No more

I don't want to do this anymore... I don't want to work at my job anymore, I don't want to live anymore... I will never be able to love myself, I will always hate everything about myself. I can love others, but I will never love myself. I would kill myself except that would be merciful. Staying alive and suffering in sheer angony is what I deserve. I can't sleep at night, I have headaches, I am dizzy and worn out all the time. I am also all alone. I have no one. I want to be with my family but I can't be, because I can't afford to fly out there, and it is not a good setting for me to go and live there. Help help help help help help help me please

This is probably imprinted in your psyche from childhood,
thus: When we are very young and we don't get the loving we
should have got,we blame ourselves. Our parents are like Gods
to us,and we need them to survive,so it is unthinkable for the
child to blame them,it needs them for life itself; so it does the only thing it can see to do . . . it blames itself rather than see the
parents as lacking in any way. Problem is,that lie is stored in its
subconscious,and so even years later,it is STILL blaming self.
In short,it 'carries the can' for the parents inadequacy and failure
to love. This is NOT an opinion,this is fact. Start relationship
with child-self, and apologize for not knowing this. IT IS VERY
IMPORTANT YOU DO THIS FOR BOTH SAKES. DO NOT
THINK IT SILLY,IT IS VALID HEALING THERAPY!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

great advice BlueDove!!!!!

Yes BlueDove very good advice, thank you :-)

I tried to do some "inner child" therapy work and I don't know if it worked or not but it sure was emotionally powerful. I had to find a time and place where I could relax and focus uninterrupted, and then I was supposed to imagine myself as my now-adult self, going back in time and walking in on a situation where I was being abused, stand up to the abuser and defeat them, and then rescue and console my child-self and say very important things to her. I did the exercise as instructed and in earnest, and it honestly stunned me how much it made me cry.

That must've been a very powerful experience CopperStar, and also very scary. I think you are very brave to have done that. I want to be brave too, you have really inspired me :-)

I hope one day you can learn to love yourself. Deep down inside you, is a loving person and a person who also needs to be loved.

Read Augusten Burrough's self help book This Is How. It literally explains how to do all the things you've described in this post.

I might also recommend something we are usually not very
good at,compassion. Here is wonderful book on subject:
"Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff. She has website,just put her
name in search box. I wish you courage and compassion, not
forgetting love for dear self.
May Godforce Be With You,
BLUEDOVE

I hope so too :-/