[niceguy]

hi,

I am extremely upset atm, unsure which way to turn. I want something that I know at best will be short lived (at least I believe that), and on the other hand I am tired with being stuck in a relationship that I'm unsure I should still be in, purely because I am afraid to destroy my partner.

I want to return to the person I was before the rollercoaster of emotions monopolized my life. My friends think I am crazy for even considering someone they think is an asshole. I on the other hand, can see their point. Perhaps, I have confused them so much, they don't know how else to act.

They have already accused me of being hot and cold, but this occurs only because I can never read where they are coming from or going to next. My heart is ripped in two, a sense of duty and loyalty, that apparently appears to be helping no one.

I wanted to end it on the weekend, but found myself making peace that this is my life, my choices were made long ago and now I cannot go back and rewrite history, even in moments of weakness I want to.

How do you deal with the emotion and move on, so that you are no longer torn. How should I process the guilt, make peace with my choices and return to the person who was happy with their life overall, before my heart intervened.

I cannot understand my behaviour, much less justify it and yet, I'm so worried I will make the wrong decision, I am frozen into indecision, which is causing more problems than a direct choice would cause.

[Frankbtl]

Hi niceguy,

It sounds like you're going through a real conflict of emotions, right now

Now this is a long shot..........but does it really have to be a choice between living with/accepting the relationship as it is or ending it??? Could there be some room to put some guidelines/boundaries in place in the relationship with her..........maybe sit down with her and spell out some of your expectations in making the relationship work so as you can both be happy in something more than a "short lived" relationship, while taking into consideration some of her feedback???
Like I said, a long shot if this is the person who has hurt you previously.

But if that doesn't/isn't going to work..........well the bigger picture..........why shouldn't you deserve happiness in your life??!! If this relationship is ultimately/overall going to add hurt to hurt to...........
And maybe you don't want to hurt them, but you're absolutely right with "a sense of duty and loyalty, that apparently appears to be helping no one". If that's the case you are helping both of you/being the "bigger/stronger person" in moving on. You do have a right to want more........and you might "longer term" be helping her by moving on too, freeing her to find someone in the same sense that you need to find someone right for you.
I know it might/will probably be really painful.............but I think you already know what you need, just so hard to take that step, yes??
But you have tried with the relationship, you've definitely tried, but you/anyone can only give so much of themselves. Time to think about your future now, yes??



Alison

[Thunder Bow]

Stop worrying about what others think of you. If you do, you open yourself to bullying. They made those comments because they knew they could get away with it. You do not have to buy into it.

[niceguy]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi niceguy,

It sounds like you're going through a real conflict of emotions, right now

Now this is a long shot..........but does it really have to be a choice between living with/accepting the relationship as it is or ending it??? Could there be some room to put some guidelines/boundaries in place in the relationship with her..........maybe sit down with her and spell out some of your expectations in making the relationship work so as you can both be happy in something more than a "short lived" relationship, while taking into consideration some of her feedback???
Like I said, a long shot if this is the person who has hurt you previously.

But if that doesn't/isn't going to work..........well the bigger picture..........why shouldn't you deserve happiness in your life??!! If this relationship is ultimately/overall going to add hurt to hurt to...........
And maybe you don't want to hurt them, but you're absolutely right with "a sense of duty and loyalty, that apparently appears to be helping no one". If that's the case you are helping both of you/being the "bigger/stronger person" in moving on. You do have a right to want more........and you might "longer term" be helping her by moving on too, freeing her to find someone in the same sense that you need to find someone right for you.
I know it might/will probably be really painful.............but I think you already know what you need, just so hard to take that step, yes??
But you have tried with the relationship, you've definitely tried, but you/anyone can only give so much of themselves. Time to think about your future now, yes??




Alison

Hi Ali-btl,


Look here is the thing. We have been through so many ups and downs, that at this point, I really thought the worst was behind us. As I explained, the one positive to come out of it, was that we have both seen each other at our worst and are still here. However, I think that they are terrified I am going to impact on their life, to the point I will take it over. I don't want to do that, I don't want to scream at them and become the ball and chain they dread. A direct example that they used as an analogy, was they were scared I would call them and demand something and they would comply nicely, but get off the phone and be calling the said person a *****, as apparently occurs with some guy at work and his wife.

I have no intentions of wanting to be in their pocket 24-7, nor turn into something I am not. I have my own life, my own interests and any partner has to try to understand they are coming into my life, to share it with me and Not to become the whole thing. Perhaps when I was younger I was different (ok I was), and perhaps that is the fear that they cling to. Yet, that was nearly eight years ago. If they cannot recognize I have changed, well that is a true worry.

As for the other side of the coin, I love him dearly, but I am not happy. In fact I haven't been for a very long time. I am technically on a break, but since we live together, well it gets complicated. I want to see myself in a new light, in a new direction, but I get bored, complacent and face a stalemate, so stay stuck - or so it feels. However, this person has loved me, dealt with all of my crap and seen me at my worst and can still pick up the pieces and make sure I am ok at the end of the day. They are scared to lose me and explain they will do whatever it takes, as I am the love of their life. I want to make them happy too. I don't want either hurt and certainly would not have wished to find myself in this situation. Yet, here I am again.

The short lived perse, is the strong belief I have, but how will I ever know without trying? I need to decide once and for all.....


thanks for the advice though, as usual - very insightful.

[niceguy]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Stop worrying about what others think of you. If you do, you open yourself to bullying. They made those comments because they knew they could get away with it. You do not have to buy into it.

Yes, to a degree I allow them to make those comments, but I am fully capable of thinking for myself. The problem is that they are known for being an asshole to me as far as my friends and family have heard and that will be a very hard wrap to change. I was more than willing to disregard what they have to say, based on the way that I feel for them. Yet, when one person is seen as perfect for me, treats me well and wants a future and the other one cannot make up their mind - or even appear capable of seeing what a long term relationship would be like with me, then how can they think or see things differently. I am the first person to defend anyone, esp someone I love. Yet, they are looking out for me and the said person has to be deserving of my loyalty. I wish they would just prove to me that we could have security, I don't need the title - I just need to feel secure with them and that would change everything. They have really tried of recent, but I am unsure how long until the wind changes again.

[Frankbtl]

Hi niceguy,

It's sounding like this person isn't able to be part of the type of relationship you want/need in your life. Whether that's because of their personality (some people do need a lot more space in a relationship), whether that's through personal problems/conditions, or whether that's through their experiences in relationships or something else.
And for you to change your views on the type of relationship you want/need in order to try to be happy with them.............well not sure that's possible, but if it is then it feels like you'd be giving up way too much of yourself, of your hopes, of your dreams.........for them.
I don't know if couples counselling might help you both find a point you can be comfortable with...........??? Maybe that could help in adjusting their perspectives and behaviours in a good way??? And from there maybe you might be able to accept some things about them in a way that doesn't compromise yourself or your happiness with them.
But really hard to see how the relationship can get on track without something like counselling considering the longer term pattern it's taken.
And if that's not possible, talking/non-confrontational communication, comfortable compromises with him aren't working/going to gradually work............it might be one of those situations where "Sometimes love just ain't enough".
Maybe parts of the relationship that have been/are invaluable or incredibly hard to throw away like going through hard times together, but when you relax focus on those a bit and see the "bigger picture"...........sounds like maybe the "bad" far outweighs the "good"??
And this ".........but I am not happy. In fact I haven't been for a very long time" says a lot, alongside it's not only that, is it?? You have been hurt a lot by him in the past as well haven't you??
But.........maybe if you're in a "status quo" situation right now, and all your feelings are clouding your judgements, just making things even harder for you, maybe you need some real distance from him, to help you see past things and what might be in your best interests, and longer term least painful for you????



Ali

[avlady]

I agree with Frankbtl.

[Thunder Bow]

..."I am fully capable of thinking for myself"...

Best to do your own thinking, and cut the ties.