[deeprest2]

A year ago I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me through facebook photos and he already had a girlfriend. He didn't apologise or try to contact me. But he did lie about me to her and said I was chasing after him and knew he had a girlfriend. I know this because a few weeks later she contacted me and told me to stop bothering him (even though I hadnt tried to talk to him since I found out). I was so ****ed at the time I didn't tell her the truth, I just said she didn't know what was going on. I had moved countries to be with him because he wanted me to. A few months ago he ****ed up and contacted me again and when I wrote him back his girlfriend saw it. They had a fight and we did speak over the phone the next day, for like 10 minutes. He apologised but he still hadn't told her the truth, he said he lied to her and blamed it on me again. Then he asked me for a favor, if I would message his phone so he could tell me to ***** off so he could show this to his girlfriend. I did it. Because I really didn't care what she thought of me and I felt he had just made a mistake. Honestly I dont even know if he showed it to her, but if he did, she fell for it because they are happy together and moving on with their lives, probably have forgotten about me. But here I am still dealing with the consequences of his selfish actions. Its eating me up inside, the unfairness and disrespect I feel, Ive become a bad person because this has changed my whole perspective of love, people and the world. Nothing seems positive anymore. And I would rather die than go on like this. I keep thinking I want him to tell the truth and clear my name. I swear I dont want them to break up over it. I just want the respect I deserve. I still have all facebook msgs and watsapp msgs that would completely prove my innocence but I don't know if the truth is going to help me anyway so I don't want to cause drama for no reason. Please tell me what to do. I need advice, not just the typical 'oh hes no good forget about him' because I've tried, and I'm getting worse. My friends and family are worried about me but I cant talk to them because I dont trust anyone anymore. I know love isnt perfect and he wants to be with her and he's not a bad guy, he just did this ****ed up ***** to me. Maybe I'm just depressed, I don't know, like i said I don't know if it would even help me if he told the truth, why do I even care so much? I just don't understand, I thought I would be doing ok by now. Has anyone been through something like this? It's all so unfair. i wish someone would put me out of my misery :'''(

[Jan1212]

Oh :-( I feel like you do... I am going thru a divorce I feel betrayed. Accused. I just want the truth so I can get some closure. I feel like he doesn't exist anymore. He is not the guy you met or imagined to be... I am in mourning. Feeling like I've lost something so precious. I too lost some trust in people... But I am hoping it's a stage: but when is this going to end? I want to be happy again. Am I ever going to learn to be happy while single?

Thanks for writing this, tho I don't have advice. I quit my therapy :-(

[Jan1212]

Also, I realized I got preoccupied with the loss and stopped eating, lacked sleep, didn't like to. Go out alone . I feel better when I'm round other people, my situation is my coworkers. I keep busy-or rather-try to forget by being a workaholic. Don't know if I'm avoiding facing my fears or doing the right thing. I got a day off days ago, and I'm back into this depressive state I can't get out of , I need a genuine hug

[divine1966]

Sending you hugs. If it was s year ago forget about him. He sounds like a loser. Not worth your time or pain

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[deeprest2]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

Also, I realized I got preoccupied with the loss and stopped eating, lacked sleep, didn't like to. Go out alone . I feel better when I'm round other people, my situation is my coworkers. I keep busy-or rather-try to forget by being a workaholic. Don't know if I'm avoiding facing my fears or doing the right thing. I got a day off days ago, and I'm back into this depressive state I can't get out of , I need a genuine hug

I have been like this too. Other times in the past when I was sad, I actually liked being around other ppl, bcuz it was a great distraction but now I cant handle being around other ppl. I often feel 'trapped' in conversations like I wouold rather not be having them. I dont want to do therapy either. Ive done it years ago and just dont believe in it. My best friend saw probably one of the top psychologists in LA, for maybe 5 years? Probably paid him a million dollars and she still wasnt OK. She went on medication and a year later, shes doing much better. I dont know about therapy... Its good to vent but in the long term I dont like it. Im sorry you are also going through this Is it that you dont know the truth or were you accused of being the villain while being innocent?

[deeprest2]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sending you hugs. If it was s year ago forget about him. He sounds like a loser. Not worth your time or pain

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you. I just dont know why I dont see him as a loser. I really thought he was a great guy. And since I havent found anyone else, not even able to date in this mental state, Im stuck on him and these things he did to me. But I know we cant be together, I just really miss what we HAD and how I used to be

I understand your need for closure. I haven't experienced the same, but I have felt betrayed and cheated out of the love I thought I deserved (parental love).. From dealing with my hurt, both on my own and in therapy, I've learned that we build our sense of self, our identity, in relation to other people. And it can go horribly wrong if the people you're dealing with are dishonest, or mean, or selfish, incapable or unwilling to see you as you truly are and project that image back to you.

What I see happening here is your ex calling you a liar when, in fact, he is. He's also spreading the lie to other people - his current girlfriend, at least. I find his behaviour disgusting! Seriously. I feel for both you and his girlfriend. Does he really think the world works like that - he wants something and thinks it's OK to lie in order to have it, making those closest to him (whom he might even claim to love) live a lie as well. Disgusting!

I think you need to find someone to talk to whom you can trust. Don't label everyone a cheat just because he is. He'll probably never agree to clear your name as it might mean their relationship will suffer, or that he'll lose her. He said sorry for hurting you, but what are his apologies worth since he keeps hurting you by continuing to lie!

You need to find someone who does NOT want to see you hurt. Who'll just listen and let you grieve your loss while helping you be happy again. As for wanting to clear your name, other people can tell you he's the liar. Don't waste your time trying the get the least likely person - him - to admit to it.

[deeprest2]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

I understand your need for closure. I haven't experienced the same, but I have felt betrayed and cheated out of the love I thought I deserved (parental love).. From dealing with my hurt, both on my own and in therapy, I've learned that we build our sense of self, our identity, in relation to other people. And it can go horribly wrong if the people you're dealing with are dishonest, or mean, or selfish, incapable or unwilling to see you as you truly are and project that image back to you.

What I see happening here is your ex calling you a liar when, in fact, he is. He's also spreading the lie to other people - his current girlfriend, at least. I find his behaviour disgusting! Seriously. I feel for both you and his girlfriend. Does he really think the world works like that - he wants something and thinks it's OK to lie in order to have it, making those closest to him (whom he might even claim to love) live a lie as well. Disgusting!

I think you need to find someone to talk to whom you can trust. Don't label everyone a cheat just because he is. He'll probably never agree to clear your name as it might mean their relationship will suffer, or that he'll lose her. He said sorry for hurting you, but what are his apologies worth since he keeps hurting you by continuing to lie!

You need to find someone who does NOT want to see you hurt. Who'll just listen and let you grieve your loss while helping you be happy again. As for wanting to clear your name, other people can tell you he's the liar. Don't waste your time trying the get the least likely person - him - to admit to it.

Thank u soo much for your reply Ill read it over and over again, it really resonates and gives me some things to think about

[deeprest2]

You help me to see that hes being manipulative, whether he has bad intentions or not. I get so angry that ppl act like that and still get what they want and live with all the glory. That alone has changed my perspective of the world, I cant stand how bad this place is, especially to those that try to do good by others and get stomped on. and Ive thought many times that karma must not exist and therefore I can act worse than that and take what I want. But I really want these thoughts to stop bcuz thats not who I thought I was

You're so welcome I'm glad I could help!

I so understand how you feel. It really p*sses me off, too, that some people can just act in whichever way they please and get away with it. Sometimes, I've thought about starting to behave like that as well, but I just can't do it! I can't be an a-hole - I feel so miserable afterwards if I try..

What I have done is become more careful about who I choose to devote my time to. Expecting people to treat me as well as I've treated them means nothing - people treat you exactly how they want to treat you, no matter what you do. I do believe in giving people second, and even third, fourth, etc. chances if it seems they want to change and do better. But some people are just so messed up, and unwilling to change, that there's just nothing you can do to make them behave better. There's just no way. Then, I think it's better to walk away. Better for you. Save yourself! Find people who deserve your time and energy.