Safe but Lost.

Good morning. My name is Nimitri and I have been part of this community since yesterday and I have this torrent of feelings I can't put a name to or control.

For context: I'm 28 year old, third son of a single mother (Doctor) and I suffered from deep Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. I'm with therapy and medication for the last 3 years when I had a monumental mental breakdown in my university and realized I got several issues that had been damaging my life.

So right now I managed to finish my Bachelor Degree in Psychology (yeah, it's weird for me), my ultimate goal that took me 10 years and I was happy. I wasn't ecstatic, like I thought I would be, it was more like "He, good" which was so bizarre because it was what I had been fighting tooth and nail and had defined me since I can remember.

But anyway, I had another, small crisis because my mother is the only person I can count to and she got sick. Very sick. She is fine know but it hit me that she is 62 years old and could die and I got nobody and what I am going to do.

But after a week and talking it to my psychiatrist I finally realized they were illogical fears and I have begun to stop being so anxious and afraid.

Then I got a revelation yesterday in my bed.

My mom had spend over 680,000 pesos in my university life. It was mind blowing. I had similar thoughts when I had my mental breakdown (500,000 then) because I lived in an apartment (2 bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, place to wash and were some familis lived quite good beneath me) that costed 2800 to 3200 (a normal pension cost from 2200 to 2600 for a room, which means I was extremely lucky to find them) and gave me 3000 monthly for 8 years for my personal costs. Put forth clothes, medicine (last 3 years) laptops (3 so far), telephone and internet connection and I was living the high life.

Then 3 years ago I moved to another apartment that belonged to a friend of my mom because I needed to move to another city to finish for a semester an extremly important class. It cost 15,000 to remodel alon with her friend and I got 2 bedrooms (mine with two beds, a closet, librero), another for visits (almost never used) a living room of 6 meters x 2 (crossed by the stairs), with a refrigerator... ok, I have forgotten the refrigerator and washing machine my mom got for me, anyway...

I was miserly, I was stressed and alone and depressed. I never painted my apartment and passed in the computer either working in my subjects or simply surfing from when I got up until I go to sleep, around 12 to 16 hours.

The Issue: I'm the 1% of the 1% of University students. I was living the dream and wasted it and while I had managed to find some peace (it was not my time, I enjoy different things, the situation was so dangerous, because my mixed classes I could not make lasting friends, I was damaged etc.) I can't believe I have costed my mom 680,000 just for study. 900,000 (Honestly It could be more because there must be things I'm not putting or forgot how many visits to my therapist or extra charges because I'm a **** with finances I got to my credit card).

Maybe is because american television, but I was an adult at 18, supposedly able to mantain myself and I costed my mom with my long, long, long time with my Bachelor Degree, my therapists, my medicine (Nearly a 1000 the first half year o was a year?) my visits for my Keratoconus (Guess how many times I had used my contact in this five years? No more than 10, because I was afraid and hurt you asshole), taking me to dinner, giving me gift, paying for my computer and so on.

680,000 (Normal Minimum wage: 60.00 hour and best paying job for me-mom; 25-26,000 monthly) for papers which I cannot find a job (sure I got only two months, but all ask me years of experience or need diplomados and know a posgrade that would cost over 100,000 dollars if I don't found an scholarship).

So why the **** I did it If I can't seem to use it? My god, if I was american the loan itself would take me most of my life to pay (Quick note: I read a notice of a pair of Archeologies with master degrees who live horrible because they still need to pay their students loans and over 15 years latter are barely 2/3 and it stayed with me until today) and I would be living like garbage and...

Then I thought: My mom did this because she loves me. Because she wanted to give me a good life, to protect me. It was not because the Bacheor Degree (My University is public and cost less than 2000 per semester) but because she could gave it to me. She is happy (according to my therapist) when she gave to all of us, because money for her has no value except of what she can do to make her family safe and happy (and this last years, so she can travel [her dream] and for our house).

I'm so thankful. By my figures, I was costing her 7500 montly, which means I am the most expensive son of the three and this disconcerted me. For so many years, one of my points of pride was that I was the son who gave her less problems ((My older brother never finished college-lied-, for years he asked for my mom to live while working, stole from her when he came back for 7 months, needed help to buy a place for work -50,000- and so on) and the other (Middle, extremely independiente and bitter because of my father, he went to Germany and America with the help of my mom, lived with me for 2 years until his emotional abuse for me and his prepotence to my mom broke the relationship for 4 years, were my mom was sad and now lives with us for 2 years, half in the apartment while I was away -also the cost of my pension must add- and 1 and half here in our family home because even with Master degrees can't find a job (how can I find a job then?) and while he pays for his extras and when he travels, my mom supports him all the way)) but taking it realistic, I cost her twice as more than the two put together and it must have been so hard watching me hurt myself, denigrate me, calling her several times a month when I was broken and crying or recieving me when I have another crisis and I needed a home.

I was not easy nor painless, so what I got that I could be proud? Nothing and I must stop feeling superior to my brothers and recriminating (in my head) their actions, for I'm not sinless.

So here I am right now, still living with her, costing her (an endodontic treament, my medicine, my papers for my degree -1800-, the TOFEL exam and my daily costs) and I'm not producing anything. I might not produce for another two years if I got the Master and even if I produce, what would I gain? Maybe 120.00 because I want to enter as an internt to get some work experience for better jobs or create something with a friend for courses in schools and and and and it's so much and so little and to many options and have to happen right now.

So my feelings: I'm safe. I got my house, my mother that it's behind me, a good life and love. I feel guilty of all I have costed her and that I can keep complaining when there are millions upon millions, mexicans and americans, whou would kill to have my level of living and be afraid because I got options; thankful, so very thankful to life and my mother for giving me so much, so so so much; afraid of still leeching my mother; disgust with my prospects of not paying her what she had done to me; happy that I can manage this feelings to not overwhelm me and still working and acting; Furious that life is so unfair with my mom, who had suffered so much and she deserves better children, better husband, a good family and a greater life; confused because I'm in a roller coster going up and down; stressed because I have to read for my Master Degree and I have so much resentment to keep studying; motivated that I can repay my mom by doing excersice, watching my diet, using my contact, trying to be happy, writing her a novel to produce something (her birthday is the 15 of October), aprehensive that I had stated this goals so many times but when I feel better I come back to the same potato couch who lives in books and manga and tv and I want to change and just plain confused.

Thank you, I think I needed to say this to somebody, to liberate myself in someway. My back hurts by the stress but I think it's a good hurt, a hurt of relief.

Thank you.

You seem accomplished in your studies. You seem successful as well, and seem to be quite intelligent. Time to stop being a spoiled brat, and live your life on your own.

Thank You for your dissertation.

Hi Nimitri, Welcome to PC

It sounds like you're life is doing better than you think it might be. Congratulations for graduating university! You have your share of challenges (depression, anxiety, your father's behavior). Clearly you deeply love your mom...that means everything to her, I'm sure.

The guilt and how you feel in regards to how much you cost your mum in terms of money is understandable but she cares about you and loves you, that's why she spent and put all that money towards you, it's all because you are her son and she loves you.

Thank you. Thank you so Dog on a Three and LauraBeth so much. I... feel better reading this and you are right (it's hard to swallow) I had accomplishments and that she loves me. The inner voice fights so much against it.

Sorry ThunderBow, it's not anything you did but I, but the part were you called me an spoiled bart hurt. Hurt a lot. So I must ask: What I had done to be an spoiled bart and should stop it immediatly?

Ok, right now I don't know how to act.

You see, my mother has been a doctor for over 30 years and have taking care of me, my brothers and our family in our time of need. She is one of the most prepared Doctors in our town (there wans't a year she didn't go to a congress or do a diploma and has like 3 or 4 Master degrees) and had been one of the steadiest hands I had ever known.

But right now she is hurting herself. She had Salmonellosis, a very strong one and not only she didn't want any doctor to see her (she is in comunication with What's app with one of her own friends from the clinic) but she had been asking and eating the very things she told me she couldn't eat, which was Milk, Cheese, Coffe and yogurt. She literally ate all of that not only two hours ago and she feel terrible. She also says she is insane of being copped in the house and is about a step into just taking the car and going out (I so hope it was a joke), for which we are going to take her to the theater tomorrow. She feels fine in the morning and think she is fine already even when she knows it takes between two and four weeks and has told us this sickness is a roller coster with your health.

My brother, bless his soul, has been acting firm and fighting her all the way. He has, if not given up, simply allowing her this last two days to, slowly, allowing her to act so she can realize that she is not well. According to him is simply because "she is a person and she must be allowed to make her own mistakes" and that it's exhausting to fight her and then taking care of her. Maybe he is right.

But I'm baffled and afraid.

Why is she acting this way? How can she be acting this way? Even now, I can't shake my absolute trust in her and how she act, even when she is sick because she had never acted in ways that were harmful to her. It's so alien that I can't even act and I let my brother direct this waltz and I'm only following.

I'm so afraid. She doesn't have even the ghost of a sympthom, but since one of our friends died because she had alzheimer (around 10 years older than my mom) it's terrifying watching her act so absurd and commit this erros. A professional who had attend us when we had salmonellosis acting this way.

I, I'm just lost.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, I hope things improve for her. Stay strong.

What I am saying, it is time to untangle yourself from that lean and support system you are caught up in. Time to step out of it on your own. To some degree your mother has spoiled you, and you are dependant on her for support, and feel you need her support to survive and make it in life.

You can help your mother more by taking care of your self, and no longer depend on her. Professional care is what she is going to need.

Oh, she is fine now. It was the medication that was messing with her, but today she could go out and it's mostly healthy again.

But you are right, in a way Thunder Bow. I have been spoiled, by having many of my problems shielded by my mom and having her as a place to take comfort when things go bad. I'm trying to be more independent (emotionally) but I have no one nearby whom I could even talk to.

But thank you for the advice. I guess I must start step by step to become my own man, both financially and mentally.

It's good that your mother is fine now, hope that continues.
Also I personally don't think you are spoiled. You just didn't realize that you were protected which in my opinion is natural for a parent to do. It's just now you realize things and perhaps it's upsetting? Anyways you are a good person with a good heart, I believe you will do your best.