[BlueCrustacean]

Basically I hate all of humanity more than words can describe right now. It is BECAUSE of other humans that I'm afraid to do anything, and I'd rather just remain curled up in a ball sleeping in my bed for the rest of my life. People are only out there to hurt you, criticize you, make fun of you and make your life a living hell. They don't try to understand you, and they never will. They almost pride themselves on never even trying to understand you.

I used to be a happy child, full of life and hope and creativity, but weird. That weirdness got me a lot of suffering and misery. I have no friends, and I've never had a boyfriend. I'm afraid I never will. All the guys I'm attracted to are never attracted to me- they just ignore me or look visibly disgusted by me. It's eating away at me, day by day, and I wonder if I'll always be alone. It is only when I see OTHER people in love that I start to feel worthless, knowing that no one will ever love me back. I will never get to experience a kiss, or sex, or commitment. Not even so much as simple understanding.

People say that humans are social creatures, yet look at me. I hate people. I just want to be alone. I don't like other people telling me what to do, how to be, what to look like, how to think, etc. I would be more inclined to try to be social if other people were more respectful and accepting- if people actually cared about me... but they don't. I hate being alone, and yet I hate being made fun of. I hate being judged.

Sometimes I either wish I could kill myself OR kill everybody else on the planet. Usually both, when I feel like this.

PS, I've been missing my pills for a couple days, so that may explain my insanity right now. Not that it changes much about my feelings of permanent loneliness and alienation. Plants and animals are good. People are not.

[CANDC]

Hi Blue. Sorry you are off your pills. Staying on the medication the doctor prescribed is one way to stay more stable emotionally.

If you have these strong feelings, please consider forming a safety plan. There are ways to cope with these kinds of stress, like self care and having a safety plan in case you find yourself in a crisis of confidence. Here is more on a safety plan that includes numbers for crisis lines that serve your area.
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central

For depression this intense, I would highly recommend a therapist and or psychiatrist, but if that is not possible, I would like to recommend a resource here at Psych Central that you can send in a question, and get a reply from the therapist as their time allows. Here is the link for that. Ask the Therapist

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com
Depression support chat is Thursday at 9PM EST but need 5 posts to enter forum.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[StillIntending]

Hey Blue. I'm here pretty much just to back up everything CANDC is saying, and also to add that I am really sorry you're feeling so much hurt right now. I feel like I can kind of empathize with you, because precious few people in my life really try to understand me, either. John Green says to "imagine people complexly," and while I try my utmost to always do that, I find that hardly anyone else ever even tries. It makes me really angry at humanity sometimes too, and other times just really really sad. But anyway. I'm lifting up a quick prayer for you right now, and I wanted you to know that I think I do understand a lot of what you're saying. It's both infuriating and heartbreaking.

[BlueCrustacean]

Thanks. I wish I could at least chat with someone around here in real time, like Facebook messaging, Skype text chat, etc, so that I can get immediate responses. The worst part is just waiting for someone to get back with me.

[StillIntending]

There are the chat rooms which are a lot like that. It's not really a pm system like Facebook Messanger because it's an open group text basically. But there are almost always people to talk to over there, and they have a lot of weekly chats for specific things, too. I know the anxiety chats are on Wednesday evenings and the depression chats are on Thursday evenings, but you'd have to go look at the calendar for the other ones, because those are the only two I know for sure.

[BlueCrustacean]

I don't know, I don't like the idea of only being able to do it on certain days, like an event. Apparently I still harbor a GREAT deal of intense resentment and anger from my childhood, because I was almost always made fun of, abandoned and alone in school. It never got better as I got older. Well, most of the outright bullying died off, but the walls and the alienation are still there. I don't trust anybody to treat me any better if I be myself and open up to them, in real life. There are so many catty, judgmental people in the world, and all it takes is one weird word or two to send them into a judging silence.

Just stopping by to let you know you're really not alone with feelings like that.
"Outside" is an awful place, I'm not entirely sure why so many people still choose to try so hard to fit in, I guess it's different for everyone anyway.

[StillIntending]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

I don't know, I don't like the idea of only being able to do it on certain days, like an event. Apparently I still harbor a GREAT deal of intense resentment and anger from my childhood, because I was almost always made fun of, abandoned and alone in school. It never got better as I got older. Well, most of the outright bullying died off, but the walls and the alienation are still there. I don't trust anybody to treat me any better if I be myself and open up to them, in real life. There are so many catty, judgmental people in the world, and all it takes is one weird word or two to send them into a judging silence.

I'm sure you know most of the advice I'm able to give you. "Don't let the past affect your future," "give new people a chance," etc. I get that telling you to do those things is basically pointless. Maybe if I had a step by step plan for it it would be easier, but just like telling someone with depression to "just get over it," telling something with anxiety to "just give people a chance" is well intentioned perhaps, but meaningless at best, and directly harmful at worst.
Learning how to cope with the pain of the past and learning how to move on from it are both incredibly difficult things to do. At times you may not even feel like you want to. And honestly? Not everyone is worthy of seeing who you truly are. I put on a mask every time I step outside. Every time I lift my covers in the morning, honestly, since not even my family knows "the real me" at this point.
In my life there has been one person who came along almost out of the blue and changed things for me. With him, I am completely myself, and he is my emotional stability. I know I couldn't be continuing to function if he hadn't come into my life.
I don't really know what my point here has been since I've pretty much invalidated all of my own advice to you. I wish I knew how to help you. I don't. Which is a good segue back into what CANDC said about professionals.
The PC community is here to support you in whatever you decide to do moving forward.

[Krow]

Only a fool would believe that every human is sociable. Humanity sickens me the same, but it is the individual I cherish. Someone who might be untainted by the group think. You know, some people just wish for solitude, and what pisses them off more than all else in the world is when someone attempts to shatter that peace.

Humanity is easily judgmental, but there is more to the picture than simply that. You have every single right to despise humanity, for humanity is what has enslaved you and has enslaved us all.

[EDMLover]

I completely understand how you feel. I honestly feel hatred towards humanity at times too. You're definitely not alone in your feelings.

[Serzen]

It's good to take all the ***** out. I hope you're feeling better.