Instead of...

I have a lot of unhealthy coping strategies to cope with negative emotions, and i DO like them, they keep me sane but they are not always available or feasable or i do not always want to act on them, so i thought id start this thread to help me cope by writing instead of acting on them... And going CRAZY.

No answers needed, but any comment, suggestion or just passing by saying you read will be greatly appreciated so that i wont feel completely alone in my struggles...
Thanks.

∆∆∆
Right now id want to eat tons of junk food and maybe drink some vodka too because i feel trapped where i dont want to be (at work) and i'm having violent flashes where i self harm and kill myself and cant stand the thought of not being able to go straight home after work and do another hour of work somewhere else and especially LIVE tomorrow too and having to wait too long before talking with my good T (i decided the pace but because of not being able to afford it, not because i feel well on my own without him and i miss him SO much and we left lots of things unspoken and i MISS HIM SO MUCH that i feel like crying)...

~ Hopefully i wont eat or drink...

PS. Sorry for all these posts these days

Keeping your hands and mouth busy might help. What about a squishy ball? What about lollipops.

I'll be honest, the relationship with your therapist sounds a tad bit unhealthy

If you want to, you can create coping strategies that are healthier, even if you choose only to use them at work. I had a job that made me soooo emotionally disregulated that I spent most of my time writing in a journal about how much I hated it. That helped calm me down while I was there. I also drank heavily (mostly vodka) during that time. I'd trade one unhealthy comfort for another back then - if I stopped smoking I'd drink more. If I tried to stop drinking I'd binge-eat fast food. If I stopped all those things I go to the mall to stop myself from smoking/eating/drinking and end up spending way too much money. I also used to keep a push-pin at my desk to poke myself since I couldn't cut at work. None of that stuff is really something you can do most places though.

I don't know if you've ever tried DBT but the distress tolerance and emotional regulation tools have worked for me Distress Tolerance I stopped smoking and drinking when I started running because I could really tell a difference in how fast/far I could run when I didn't drink the day before. I just got really in tune with my body and I could notice the fatigue even after just a couple glasses of wine. I also changed jobs and moved across the country. Not the easiest or best solution but that's what worked for me because if you're miserable at your job no amount of distress tolerance is really going to help. Right now I'm trying to give up sugar, I eat too much chocolate when I'm stressed/down. It can be done, it's just tough but it is worth it.

How about a little junk food and maybe an ice tea?

Thanks Rcat, nice suggestion.
i did get to not eat until i got home (about 3 hrs after the post), then binged

i see my T 3-4 times a year after 7 years of weekly sessions. my reaction doesnt feel unhealthy to me, even though i dont like it, but maybe it is, i dont know.... i just wish i could see him more often.... especially now since i feel im losing control over just about anything.

now im beating myself up for this stupid thread. i thought it was a good idea but maybe its not. i guess i just needed some kind of proof that what is going on inside of me daily is real. not sure anymore this can help or not.

i dont want to get up and go to work tomorrow. i already see myself drinking before going or while there..... i guess its just too much stress. i was feeling better this morning after a weekend of resting. just thoughts....

Thanks DBTDiva,
your words are really comforting.

i like writing. i think its the only healthy thing (except being with my cats) that really helps me. so thats why i thought about starting a thread like this...

now im afraid this too will become unhleathy seen how much i've been writing these days....

im not looking for attention even though knowing someone cares helps. and i dont even want to get obsessed about writing here instead of living my life.... its like i dont have balance. i feel bad, ashamed and guilty for all these posts i've written these days.... im sorry, i wouldnt want to write this much but it helps.... is this wrong and unhealthy too?

now i'll just go to sleep, trying not to OD on meds and trying to survive tomorrow...

ps. need to add like in the other post, just to be thorough.... for myself mostly: I know i have posted a lot these days but i really was confused, scared, torn and disperate and lonely. I hope its not too much... Im just trying to feel i exist, my pain exists and trying to survive without going crazy... because i feel CRAZY, or getting there...

I feel you, there were times when my cats were the only reason I didn't end it. I think posting is only unhealthy if it takes up too much of your time/life.

instead of going to work and drink before getting in there i could....
instead of going to work and drink while im there i could....
instead of going to work and SH i could....
do what?
call in sick? it would only make things worse.
i have no idea on what i could do to help me go through the day...
all i can think of is bad solutions

instead of going to work and drinking before getting in there I could... stop for coffee
instead of going to work and drinking while I'm there I could.. grab a lollipop
instead of going to work and self-harming I could... scratch the 'itch'
instead of calling in sick I could... make an activity prediction chart (PM me)
instead of binging on food I could... make a behavioural chain analysis (PM me)

You could decide on a reward (not food). List your positive expectations of a reasonable goal and reward yourself for accomplishing them.

Thanks, i really couldnt think of anything else to face the day. i focused on other ways to get the same effects of alcohol, on SH and death...

then at work i tried to focus on the people i work with and it went better. also, knowing i could come online here at any time, helped.

after work i saw my "other new T" (from MHS). it went so-so. firstly it was overwhelming but i didnt feel i could say it (i dont want to say certain things), then i realized i COULD say i was stressed and she said she could intervene and "prescribe me" a week off from 1 of my 3 "jobs". i felt instant relief. then for the first time i felt like i could tell her a little more about me and even though it was not about the "big" issues, it was good enough to get me calmer.

once at home though i binged again without even thinking about it. it just "happened".

now i feel kind of back in control. i hate this roller coaster. but so thankful i'll have a week off from job1... its dinner time now and i cant wait to go to bed.

i hope soon i wont feel the need to write here so often anymore. meanwhile, please put up with me. well, you can always ignore me anyway. i just hope i dont bother anyone by posting even if only for myself anyway.
best to all