Looking for advice after breakup

Hey all,

I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

To make a long story short... I was in a long-distance relationship with someone who I thought shared mutual feelings of love, empathy, and compassion. It turned out that she wasn't actually capable of any of these things. I saw the warning signs early on, but I ignored them and put it down to her troubled upbringing. Over the course of the relationship I went through a LOT of emotional stress. I have anxious preoccupied attachment, whilst she is fearful avoident. She would show me love and affection one day, and be completely indifferent the next. There was no consistency. Her actions and words were in complete conflict. I had days and nights of crippling anxiety trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and what I did wrong. This turned me into a very insecure and needy person. I thought with time I could teach her how to love, and assumed she was as dedicated to making the relationship work as I was. In the end, she cut me out of her life completely over something small, and did so in the most horrible way. It was clear to me that she wanted me to hurt, and she knew I would. I do suspect she has some kind of personality disorder due to her apparent inability to love/form relationships, feel empathy/truly care for other people. She also had some issues with anger, which would manifest itself whenever I would question her inconsistent behavior towards me. It sounds to me a lot like narcissism, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm left feeling the following:

- I'm sad. I lost someone who I loved dearly. What makes it worse is coming to terms with the reality that she wasn't real. When I'm alone I can't help but cry sometimes. Writing this post is difficult. I miss the good times we had, though I know it could never make up for all the bad.
- I'm confused. I never thought someone could be so heartless. I'm not sure if I can ever trust anyone again. I shared all of my deepest feelings and insecurities with her. She must know what impact this is having on me, yet doesn't seem to care.
- I feel guilty. Maybe if I had done things differently, there could have been a more positive outcome. I made some mistakes too, and I know I have things I need to work on. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.

OK so I realise this post is getting a bit long so I'll get to the question. How can I better myself in order to make sure something like this never happens again? I seem to have traits associated with codependency, but I could be wrong. I have low self-esteem. I don't feel very good about myself as a person. I don't have any close friends. When it comes to close relationships I seem to have a hard time regulating my emotions (I've only been in love like 3 times, though)... I feel like that might have something to do with the people I've been attracted to also, though. Ultimately, I'd like to get to a point where I don't place my happiness in someone else's hands and lose my self in the process. I don't want to be dependent on other people. EVER. I hope this makes sense.

I look forward to your replies

You are right on in your assessment of the situation. She is troubled. You were lucky that you were not living with her in person. Now just trust yourself and observations you make. You are tracking right on this. Being dependent will only cause more sorrow, and will strain any relationship.

I am sorry you're gong through this hazn. I hope that you receive the answers that you're looking for. I unfortunately am going through something similar. Your feelings resonate with me, only in my situation I am the "bad guy." I'm in a codependent relationship with someone who has no tangible emotion or interest in intimacy, and I have talked about separating. However, as a codependent I cave when he says he'll change... so we stay together and the cycle of emotional torment continues.

Thunder Bow is right-- be happy that you did not live together. And also be happy that this relationship is over! Your girlfriend was troubled and did not appear to be interested in growing.

Now is your time to grow! I suggest doing this by developing and strengthening your feelings about yourself. I recently started seeing a therapist for these exact reasons. Specifically, my goals in therapy are to improve my self esteem, to gain a sense of what my values and needs are, and to become more assertive. I'm working toward self-love and an identity that I build for myself; it sounds like you would be doing yourself a favor by pursuing these goals as well. Best of luck on your journey and keep your head up!

Once, a therapist told me that at the end of the relationship we often have to grieve what we wanted the relationship to be/thought the relationship could be, moreso than what it actually was. Even though she turned out to be an emotionally distant person, you wanted something from or with her and you have to grieve not getting it. You mentioned wanting to teach her to love, we can't really do that with people. You say you saw warning signs but ignored them - don't do that next time!

Why do you think she must know? Have you told her? You say she lacks empathy so she may assume you don't care any more than she does. Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and imagine how we would feel if we were them, not to defend her in any way but it may be she doesn't know what impact it's having. She may not care either way, but still. You also say earlier in the post that you assumed she was as committed to making the relationship work as you were. We are often wrong when we assume, it's better to get things spelled out.

If you had done things differently could you have changed that she likely has a PD? Could you have given her the ability to empathize? Don't beat yourself up for things you could in no way influence or control.

It does sound like you may be codependent. I recommend "Codependent No More" if you have never read it. After a lot of soul searching I realized I was chasing emotionally unavailable people with PDs in an attempt to make up for my mother being emotionally erratic and having a PD. I thought on some level if I could get them to love me it would prove I was loveable, because they were so much like my mom. Really dysfunctional stuff, but realizing that helped me move on and heal those wounds myself.

Thank you all for your replies

Thunder Bow - Yes, I believe you're right. I always try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I was already in the process of detaching emotionally from her when she ended it, otherwise I feel she could have caused me some serious long-term harm.

arbbarb - I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. I imagine it must be so much harder when you're in a physical relationship, as opposed to long-distance. I know exactly what you mean by caving in... I also find it difficult to be assertive, which I too would like to work on. I actually feel guilty when I say no, or try to be assertive which sucks. Actually, I guess I'd never have gotten myself into this mess had I been more assertive, because she would have jumped ship long ago. I'm happy to hear that you're in therapy seeking help in achieving your goals. It shows that you're self-aware and want to better yourself and your life... the people we love don't seem to have that ability, so that fact should make us appreciate it even more. I wish you all the best and hope you reach your goals. I know you will! Thank you for the advice, it's absolutely 100% applicable to me and my situation.

DBTDiva - I know, I probably couldn't have changed her. But I thought she wanted to change, at least she told me she did. So I guess I felt obliged to at least try. Though I guess I also had some selfish motives too, because I wanted to have that closeness with someone. Perhaps if I was able to put my feelings aside and see her as a friend I'd have been able to make a positive impact. I don't know, and I doubt it, but I still think about it. Yes, I should have trusted my gut instinct. I knew something wasn't quite right, but I made excuses for her. I'll hopefully never make that mistake again. Oh, she knows exactly what her leaving would do to me... I won't go into details, but she knows. Though I guess her lack of empathy means she doesn't truly understand. But I imagine she knows it's something that would hurt me a great deal. Thank you for the book recommendation, definitely going to try get hold of it. I'm happy to hear that you managed to overcome your difficulties, it's good to hear from people who have gone through trials and come out on top. I wish you all the best.

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I think that's why these message boards are such a great resource. If no one ever went through hard times and learned and grew from it, there wouldn't be a lot of hope for anyone. Luckily, that's not the case!

i am sorry for you that this happened. i hope you can learn from the others here who say to love yourself first and learn from this situation. reading the book suggested would help too, i myself want to too. good luck

DBTDiva - Yup, that's totally true! It seems like a great place to get advice/guidance. Especially for someone like myself who doesn't have any close friends.

avlady - oh yes, the fact that I feel I've learnt something from the experience makes it a little more bearable. The book has a lot of positive reviews on Amazon, so I hope you'll find it as useful as others have. I haven't purchased it just yet, but I will


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I've started reading the book, and I guess I'll update this thread with my thoughts when I'm finished

There is a book Hazn called CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie, then the 2nd book BEYOND CODEPENDENCY. Same author, I highly recommend it... Blessings. tc

oooo thank you! Will certainly take a look at it after I'm done reading this one

Hmm... I'm a bit confused right now. I'm thinking of reaching out to her just to let her know I'm here if she ever needs someone to talk to. Even if she does have a personality disorder (which I can't know for sure), she is still human and may need a friend at some point -- right? Maybe she acted out of anger and didn't mean to be so cold? Perhaps she will regret the way she ended things in the future, but will feel like she can't talk to me because of how things turned out? If she does have a conscience and the ability to feel guilt, what if this whole thing makes her worse in the long run? She had a difficult upbringing, she has grown up with a mother who is bipolar (I think she may have also mentioned her mother has NPD but I could be mistaken), and went through some difficult times growing up. I'm not saying I want things to go back to how they were, but maybe I could play some kind of positive role in her life? With appropriate boundaries, and if I can overcome my codependent behavior, maybe it could work somehow? I still feel like I have an obligation to at least let her know I'm here if she changes her mind.

Her cutting me out was as a result of something bad I did which I shouldn't have done... I was dishonest about something. I told a lie (more like a white lie, but I guess it's the same thing?). I don't believe what I did was that terrible considering the circumstances, but maybe she felt it was. I made a mistake, and I feel very guilty about it. I really don't understand how what I did justifies her reaction, but I can't read her mind. To be honest, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me... we're all human and we make mistakes, how could you drop someone like a hot potato just like that as if there's no context, or as if they never existed?

I think I feel guilty for what I did more than anything to be honest. If she wants to carry on this way fine, I can't control her, I can only control myself. But I really just don't want to carry this guilt around with me.

OK, now to be balanced, here is another interpretation... I was too smart for her. I questioned her inconsistent behavior early on in the relationship, so she had to learn to play a better game. Deep down, she knows she is incapable of loving, feeling empathy, and being attached to someone. The reality of who she is is too hard for her to live with, so she pretends to be someone else. When that person comes under attack, she gets angry, because she needs people to believe that she is a good person. Otherwise, she's left with dealing with the reality of who she really is. So, me questioning her character made her panic, and so she used my stupid mistake as an excuse to free herself of all blame. That way, she can keep her mask intact, and use my stupid mistake to put all the blame on me and move on ...hmm... which would suggest she either has a conscious, OR she was actually out to punish me.

Another possible interpretation is that I'm deluded, a terrible person, did something wrong and I got what I deserved in return.

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You are using this relationship to keep feeling bad about yourself. Best to drop it and stop feeling bad bout yourself.

I wasn't thinking straight, I think I'm OK now. Thanks

Hi Hazn,

Heartbreak is the worse pain a human being will ever feel. I was in a relationship that was very manipulative to the point where my self-esteem decreased to nothing and my insecurity grew due to his infidelity, lying, and denial of the things he did to me. Suffice it to say, when I found out the truth I had a mental breakdown.

I cried, waled, pulled my hair the moment I found out all the things he did while we were together. I collapsed to the floor and didn't move until I was helped up by a friend.

You go crazy for a long time, over-analyzing, breaking up every moment and dissecting it to understand. Your world is just dark. You think what could I have done different (which is what you're doing), you can't. You can't ever make sense of what they did, because they're damaged and don't feel which is why they do those things, they're selfish and they don't give a flying F*%k about what they did to you because they're busy doing it to someone else. the mistakes you may have made were not the dealbreaker. Because someone who wants to be with you and cares about you will work through problems, they want to seek resolution not just be pissed off all the time or fixated on their maladaptive behavior and habits.

So, just go through the emotional withdrawal. Betrayal, manipulation, all that consider it poison to your brain and heart and just let it get through your system. Cry, scream into a pillow, whatever you need to do.

If you are feeling depressed: stopped eating, sleep too much or no sleep at all, wake up early in the monring 3-4 a.m., if it's gotten to the point where it keeps you from doing every day things like eating, taking showers, getting up from bed. Try to speak with someone, friends, therapist, hang on to the people that care about you if you have them. Take medication. It sounds like I'm telling you to run towards the medication but consider that its temporary and that it will help you get back on track.

I was with this jerk for 2.5 years (2012-2014) and it took me about a good year to finally shrug my shoulders and say F him. Sure, there are ups and downs but not to the point where you're debilitated.

Stick to these forums, if you have advice for others provide it. It does help you heal. There are good people here in this forum. I go to depressionforums too.

I learned a lot recently. I learned that I identify my self worth through others, that the relationship defines who I am, that I need higher standards, that I should ALWAYS trust my gut (after all about 90% of seroti\onin is in our gut not just in our brains, that regulates mood.... hence the trust your gut term). Self-esteem is what takes a while to gain back, but once you do you're more resilient. Don't choose people that need "fixing" don't even try, stay away because what you went through will happen again. It happened to me again (2015), so I'm on round 2.

Someone that likes you for you will accept you as you are even if you're not perfect and when they go out of their way to care about you and your gut matches with your thoughts, and how they treat you then that's how you know you're with a good person.

But you need to find yourself first, because if you do find that person you don't want to just jump in because you feel cared for. It must be reciprocated. The last thing you want to do is treat them like the Ex treated you.

You know what else at the end made me feel better? That I actually feel, that after all this ***** I got put through I'm still caring, I can still love. And you know what that person who treated you won't ever have? real love, real care, they're damaged. Your life can still be good, they're walking around all messed up. They'll never be happy. It's kharma.

Hazn,

Trying to reach out, it won't help. There can be a mixture of I'm a good person let me see if I can help...maybe it will change her.... it can be another chance. Don't. I did the same thing and it made things worse. They have demons. When they hit bottom they'll have to figure out how to address them. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

If you were too good for her, that probably played into her insecurities. Maybe not, but just knowing you had more to give just shows you it was not meant to be. It hurts, you think about the good times, the small moments when the person showed you they care. But, it's what we wanted to see. It will take time, but you look back and see all the bad things.

It's all about self-preservation now. I wouldn't reach out to her. If you want closure, like answers to questions ... you may want to try but you know this person better than I do in terms of whether they will be truly honest and answer your questions. I did the same with my recent ex and he responded and tried to explain but I also saw in his explanation that he didn't care and not only had moved on but seemed happy to get rid of me. So, it made things worse. In hindsight I should have never attempted to reach closure like that. I should have just accepted that I would have unanswered questions and focused on getting better. It delayed my progress.

Thank you. Reading through your posts brings tears to my eyes, because I can relate to what you said in every way. It sucks to have to go through this, it's the worst thing ever. We interact with people expecting them to be decent human beings with the ability to love and show compassion... it turns out that's expecting too much. Now we have to go about living our lives with distrust for everyone, because they might turn out to be someone else. It's quite terrifying to be honest. At the same time, there's a lot we can do to make things better, and make it a lot harder for these people to hurt us. So we should focus on that, right? I'm really sorry for what you had to -and currently are- going through. You sound like you're a good person with a good heart, and you know it; I hope you'll never let someone take that away from you. I believe everything you said is right, and it makes a lot of sense to me.

If it's OK with you, I'd like to run something by you privately and get your opinion. I've thought about it quite a bit and it makes sense in my mind, but I'm not 100%. Let me know if that's OK with you, otherwise I'll see if I can maybe post it on this thread.

I just went through a break up and my best advice is to make an effort to look nice every day, stay active, sign up for a work out class, meditate more. I have made a massive effort to be my best self to keep from sinking down and it really works. act your way into better feeling.

Well, without going into details... I just confirmed with 100% certainty that she is actually pure evil. No conscience or empathy. It's a bit of a shock, because this was my first encounter with someone like that. Those of you who have never experienced something like this, I would recommend watching a documentary on Ted Bundy or someone similar. These kinds of people DO exist, and if your guard is down you will suffer at their hands in the most brutal of ways!!! Work on your self-esteem; build confidence; learn to love yourself; trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it probably is; DON'T place your happiness in someone else's hands; DON'T rush into anything; get to know a person well before allowing yourself to love them. You may be thinking ...oh no the person I love could never be that type of person... THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE THINKS!!! The fact is, they're evil and they know it. And they will not change. They don't want to change. You cannot change them.

Thank you all for your support <3

Absolutely!

I think for us that have become distrustful, if you find the right person, they'll understand and if they want to be with you they'll be there when you're ready. Its finding that person which sucks. Especially as you get older and live in a small town.

Hazn,

The silver lining is you found out now than later. I can't imagine how hurt you would be if it lingered. That's just sad for her, hope she finds herself and seeks help. A person like that needs to want to change for that to happen. No need to be the punching bag or crutch.

oh after this I don't think I'll be interested in any kind of close relationship. I just can't see it. But maybe that'll change as I work on my self-esteem and learn to start trusting myself more. If I trusted my gut in the first place, I'd have been fine. That and having solid boundaries.

It's weird. I thought I'd be happier knowing that the problem wasn't entirely with me. But instead I feel bad. I feel sad for her situation, but I know if I think like that I'm never going to get over this. I don't know. I still care about her, and that scares me a lot. I probably shouldn't have said she's evil in my last post. I feel bad about that. You know, when I spoke to her I wanted to just say hey... I know you have these issues, but we can work on them together as friends. But I feared that calling her out like that might cause more harm than good. You're right, this is the best outcome I could have hoped for given the circumstances.

I understand. I'm in the same place too. I just don't trust myself to be with someone and I don't trust the person. Right now, it's not worth taking the risk of falling into depression for the 3rd time. Is that how you feel?
You sound very insightful and that's a good thing. You are able to identify what you need to do in order to look out for yourself.

You shouldn't apologize, you were venting and expressing what you feel. It's part of the process. It's how she made you feel. I think that you can still care about her overall but that can be separate from the outcome of your relationship with her. I know my ex, who has addictions, was selfish and treated me like crap towards the end. But! I still want him to be ok, I'm pissed he didn't like me. But, when someone has issues like that whether addictions or emotional problems it's best to let them be. Maybe, in the future when you no longer have these feelings about her you can check to see if she's ok. But you have to make sure that if you do that and there's communication that you're strong enough, indifferent enough about her to not get pulled into her vortex.

great advice from everyone here for this person!!!heartbreak is the worst thing a person can go through and we need to help ourselves back up after one.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel! I think going through something like this can make a person feel like the world is a cruel place. But I guess as time goes by it gets easier. I guess times like these can be turned into a positive in the sense that it can motivate you to better yourself; so that when you are ready to put yourself out there again you won't make the same mistakes again.

It sucks when you care about someone so much for it not to be reciprocated, right? But you're right, there's not much we can do about it. It's completely out of our hands. We only have control over ourselves and how we try deal with the situation.