I have a pain

I have an unusual anxiety hurt pain. Not anxiety actually it doesn't linger like anxiety does. It's just general hurt and grief of some form.

It's just me feeling worthless that some girl thinks other people are better than me. I don't have a complex that every girl should fall for me. No I don't want that and I'm definitely not that. I just feel like I'm very tired of being put down by other women whether they were serious or joking a lot. I'm sick of girls treating me like **** over my looks whether it's real or perceived. I just can fix some of this issue, but not all of it.

How would you feel if people called you ugly every day or that you were worthless?

How would you handle it better?

You probably say not worry what other people say, but that's not what I'm going for at all.

I don't actually I see a therapist for this, a lot because of a painful guilty feeling I have all the time. Feeling like I'm a bad person no one should love me. Always being put second to last was the worst feeling every day and still is. You know when people ask why did you take so long being single. I didn't make the choice so much really as much as I choose to the first year and a half tried to get around that was very unsuccessful every time. It only taught how to be better socially with generally anyone or being mindful of myself and others and listening to others opinions and accepting or commenting on them acknowledging them stuff like that.

I just hate it when some girl comes up to me and it's happened a lot to ask for advice about a boyfriend or some guy they like. I intentionally gotten so fed up. I literally either act disinterested if I have a crush on them or I show I don't care by either telling them and being nice giving them a short answer and not to bother me or completely ignore them. I can't stand how someone brags about someone else, I know how that feels to another girl I am not interested in. Surely most definitely didn't I just describe it. I know it's a fact of life how it is.

I'm just more angry how I can't have one person just once, but other people get all the opportunity and either screw it up or throw it away or take it to enjoy whatever. It's very much like I'm describing real connections. I'm the most disconnected person in my circle of all my friends. Partly is my choice the other part I don't know how to do it.

Both have hurt every opportunity and it's all down the tubes faster than most. People who are less skilled in whatever or better equipped than me do better. What gives?

This has been going on for many years. I've decided how much it's hurt me what I want is really putting a damper on even caring about anything with relationships with people period. Then people like on here or everywhere else who don't know jump to the conclusion of just letting it go. If I could I wouldn't bring it up now. I don't want the advice it's just feels like a big **** you. It doesn't feel like it's considerate only empty.I truly look past what most people can't, but most people don't anyways so I'm the odd one out. Because of that, my punishment people call me stupid a lot or try to mess with me. I don't get picked on and take it, I actually am very persuasive and can mess with people and I'm very good at tearing someone down as much as bringing them up.

If I dated someone for over 5 years and they are hurting my trust I will bring it back in their face so hard and I will demand my answers very quickly if I immediately get the slightest uncertainty. I won't hesitate to break off anyone I see fit to. I don't find weakness in others that choose to be either a lazy friend lover or just don't care about other people. I'll call them out even if it hurts me tell them how ****** they are because they need to hear it and if no one else tells em I will. I am the few types of people who do that and go threw with it that's why I'm good with advice, but that's not the only way I do that.

I give out trust to earn. I only give it when EARNED never in the first weeks or the first months even or the first year or 2. If someone was so set on making something last with me they better be prepared because it won't be easy and it will be hard for both of us. I'm going to work with someone else, but they have to on every level make certain I won't lose my footing. That's all I needed and want. I only wanted someone to keep me on balance. In my head it's like I never had my mom basically teach any important skill other work related and school. My parents were always distant I never felt affection much ever after my grandma was in the hospital and died horribly from alzhiemers in front of me over years.

I still needed that hero I was so desperately seeking all my life not to save me, but to just guide me to save myself. If you were wondering what I was really looking for in another person it's that. Only that.

Yes I do value looks just only in the start that's all.

Learn to love yourself. If you love yourself, you will be confident and you will just ignore on what other people will say to you. Just be yourself. You don't need to please them by passing their standard. Change your poor mindset and replace it will real and positive ones. If you were hurt before, forgive yourself. I think you should start ignoring what people will tell you. Don't let people define you.

Need someone to save yourself? That's yourself.

Honey, I hate to say this, but I agree with the previous poster.

You need to look upon yourself for the strength that is needed, to get through life. I know hoe easy it is to blame yourself, for not being strong enough, rich enough, good-looking, etc. The list only goes on and on and on! Give yourself a break ~ learn to love yourself. Flaws and all! You will be doing YOURSELF a huge favor. Take a hold of that favor, and don't let go!!

As per above. You need to work on your core beliefs about yourself. CBT is helping me with this but there are other forms of therapy too.

You say you are worthless. Do you know anyone who is worthless? Likely not. You probably wouldn't put yourself in the same category as sociopaths and that of Hitler, etc. If you were to make a scale of worthless on one end and worthwhile on the other end you may be surprised then where you think you fit in.

When it comes to dealing with the opposite sex ti takes making a connection and when you have a relationship you have to nurture it

This is my understanding. I'm doing just that if you were in my shoes doing this I don't think it would work as you say it would. It's not perfect I don't expect to be. I'm very angry how people just bottom out and expect me to be ok when I'm not. I'm so sick of people just putting me aside when I really need them. I'm sick of being told I'm ok when I'm not. I hate people like that.

I never known what that meant. Please stop asking me to do so much on something I don't know. The point is I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this. You don't get it. It's not the strength is all that good. It's gotten me nowhere just more isolated and hating myself. You aren't here to say that. I would love for everyone of you to be in my shoes and say the same thing. You wouldn't I be very positive you wouldn't say that. If it was that simple. I wouldn't be posting about it. If it was that simple over time, but it hasn't happened despite me doing my best every day. I'm really frustrated by this.

I'm sick of being disposable. My whole existence feels expendable.

I can't make connections with anyone. I am very bad at picking people who care about making anything. No one has. They all left.

No... Not at all, It won't help. I can't confidently tell you that I've thought that before too. It made me feel fake and hating myself more and made my outside situation worse. I get what you're saying, it's just not that simple.

My therapist rarely get to see them. I can't get the help I need. I'm quitting one of my jobs that's pushed me to the point of suicide before.

You can't depend on anyone. I can't depend on your answers you don't know what it's like to be that badly misinformed misunderstood and pushed away no matter what you do. You can't do it. So you try to avoid everyone and be your own person leaving everything behind making something out of nothing, but no one calls you or sees your ok. No one tries to show they are sorry for hurting you no matter how they say they are close with you, they don't.

They haven't. I don't expect people to care. It just hurts a lot.

I ****ing hate being here. I can't change people. I can't change my surroundings very fast as I would like to. It's out of my hands, because of my parents forcing their financial debt when I was 15 to now. I can't live a normal life to grow and expand. I have to survive. I don't want to do that anymore, but that's such a simple request becomes the most aggravating frustrating difficult thing I have been aiming for.
Having 1 basic friend I can be close to is so hard. I can't do it, years and years of failed burnt bridges I dont' know what to do anymore.

You can't tell me to change some attitude and it will get better based on my responses. You don't know. You don't know. simply if you were in my position saying that. I doubt it you would last a year with what I deal with.

That's my point I tell everyone they don't know. They never do. That's why I'm very lonely. I'm very hurt. No amount of therapy has helped. All I want to do is run away and not be around people anymore I'm tired of it. I don't want to work for someone to rely on myself. It isn't working I haven't given up but it isn't working.

Can anyone get that?

People here in PC doesn't give their advises just for the sake of giving. One way or another, we want to share our experiences before so that you will not go through the hurt we've been before. I don't love myself the way I am loving myself now.

Anyways, you need to accept that on earth you are living in, you cannot control how people will treat you. Each and everyone of us has given a free-will to do what we wanna do in life. And with that, you cannot change how people will treat you. If people expect you to be ok, then it will be your reaction that matters to this.

I know. I like this.

I think I've never accepted being alive ever. I never did. I never had or could understand how. I just live with what I can. I don't really know, it's the isolation of being a witness to being alive not actually alive. I don't know how to express how that feels. Like you're always on the outside of the world passes you by feeling disposable and quick to end and begin again just so fast you can't keep up. You just want the madness to end, but everything moves too fast. You can't keep up and you just give up eventually trying to make it understandable and just live with it. It may help, but not much.

The fact my best friend died and my grandma went away and my child went away the way they did. I never know how to feel, whether to feel alive or dead. I'm in between feeling like I wish I was dead or alive. I never know what I want anymore. I just commit to things now without thinking about the consequences anymore, because I'd rather make a choice and an action than being miserable stuck in inaction.

The past (about your best friend, grandma, and your child) what makes you feel what you are feeling right now, still holding you and doesn't let you to move on. There is still hurt inside of you and that needs to be addressed and healed. I don't have much words to say for now. But you need to consider the decisions you are doing because it can make your life more miserable.

I hope you'll enjoy the holidays! Merry Christmas!