[PeachCream22]

Before I proceed, I am very grateful to my uni friends, my family, my boyfriend, my old friends not from uni, and a lot of other people in my life that have helped me who I am become today.

I am also grateful to all who might or might not finish reading the relatively long text below.

There are a few aspects of my life which i have problems with.


1. Number One - Friend Zack
A friend of mine, let's call him Zack. He claims to have depression and bipolar disorder and I believe him completely. He's much happier and much better than last time. He used to sulk and take out his anger and temper of his friends and he hates everyone (he still does) due to his past heart breaks in terms of family and relationships (esp the latter). He has a heart condition and a currently a girlfriend. They're fine.

But when they're not fine, no matter where our group of friends and what they're doing, he will immediately become silent and put on this sulky face (usu. it's always a problem he claims to have about his girlfriend) and he'll treat the rest of us with indifference (shrugs, ignorance), and it has happened a lot of times. It really kills the mood and it's extremely rude. I get that he's depressed, but nowadays he seems to have crossed the fine line between depression and immaturity.

Before he got a girlfriend, he hung out with us all the time and he was fine. When he felt sad he sulked in a corner with his earphones and everyone just left him alone. Usually it was me and another female friend who talked to him and cheer him up. Now that he got a girlfriend, he doesn't hang out with us and clings to her 24/7 and when she has class he comes and finds us and we basically pressured to be with him.

Whenever I'm doing work, he would always ask what am I doing.That's fine, but every time i'm doing work, he would check on my progress every minute, pressuring me, annoying me, saying that i didn't do much today, or giving some comment. He thinks he's being straightforward and people don't "like" him because of that, honestly i think he's being a jerk. All those times I was there for him, and he takes it for granted.

2. Family problems
My mom and my elder sister. I walk on eggshells every day when I'm around them. Basically in a scenario with my mom, like going for a jog.

"Do you want to go for a jog?"
"No thanks mom i'm kinda busy right now."
"Busy with what?"
"With work."
"What work? On your phone? So you're busy texting your friends?"
"Okay, fine, i'll go jogging."
"Didn't you say you were busy with work?"
"It's fine."
"Are you sure you want to go jogging?"
"MOM, it's FINE."
"Why are you so stressed? Why do you always yell?"
..

My elder sister:
"Hand me the scissors in that red box"
"Is it this box, sis?"
"No, the other one."
"This one?"
"NO ARE YOU ****ING BLIND"

My elder brother? I told him I managed to get a spot for an overseas internship program and he basically just told me "ok, but who's paying for it?"

my family. is a combination of eggshells and financial problems. i'm the one who's causing problems. I'm the problem. I matter not. I'm always the one being dramatic. I wish my mom didn't have to work so hard. My elder sister and my elder brother has been working for years and i have no idea where their money went off to. My education is a nuisance. I'm a nuisance.

Maybe this is just a trifling issue and I'm being a tad dramatic because of my horrible self-esteem.. I'm just useless. I'm a horrible person for complaining so much. I just needed to rant. I'm sorry if it's selfish.

Any advice on what to do for the above 2 scenes is appreciated. I really, really appreciate everyone here on PC, whether they read this or not.

Thank you.

[Thunder Bow]

All the above is Family Drama, where everyone is wanting attention and connection. Accusations always show the need for attention, on the part of the accuser. Everyone is feeling estranged right now, including you. This is why you feel low self esteem. The situation with your friend Zack, is an extension of this Family Drama.

Stop, go for a walk outside and check out the wonders of nature. Stop forget everything for a moment and let the sun soak into you, the smell of the fresh air fill your lungs, the exercise revitalize you, and the birds and nature minister to your weary soul. (((hugs))) tc

[PeachCream22]

Thanks for the insight and the comfort, you guys. It really means a lot to me.

I just don't know how to act around anyone anymore.

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[Bill3]

Congratulations on your acceptance to an overseas internship program!

With regard to your interactions with others, one pattern I am seeing is that you don't stick to your positions. So for example this was not helpful imho:

"Okay, fine, i'll go jogging."

I think that a more useful response would be along the lines of "Yes, Mom, I am busy with work."

Then I think three things are needed: first, stick to what you are doing, don't let others get you off your plan. Second, a way to end the conversation. "Mom, I need to get back to my work." You might need to say "Mom, I am going to my room now as I need to get this work done." And third, remain civil while insisting on sticking with your plan. Do not get upset, just calmly and firmly insist on what you need to be doing.

With regard to your sister: realize that when people yell at you it is their problem, not yours. However, I would like to ask further about one aspect of this interaction: when you said "This one?" how sure were you that that was the one? If okay, rate this 0 - 100. Zero means you had no idea which box she meant. 100 means that you were certain it was that one, but you asked anyways just to be completely sure.

With regard to Zack: Here again we see someone intervening on your plan and you allowing it to happen. At some point early in his intervention my suggestion would be to say to him "Zack, I need some time now. I need to concentrate on my work." Again, this is to be said in a civil but firm manner. There is no need to judge him as being straightforward or as being a jerk. Whatever he is, he is interfering with your work. He might become a saint but even a saint does not have the right to interfere with your work.

he comes and finds us and we basically pressured to be with him

He probably will continue to use you as his backup support until you work up the courage to put an end to it. Zack, we have to do work now.
My guess is that you have been put down for years in your family and those experiences have been a main source of your horrible self-esteem. Do you have a chance to speak with a therapist, perhaps at uni? If so, how has that been for you?

[PeachCream22]

Hello Bill3, thanks a lot for your insightful reply.

1. Thank you. I'm not perfect, and I also have horrible temper. I've no idea where it comes from, but my guess is because of family problems, and being stepped on. I have a terrible self control when it comes to temper. It's like i try to see things from everyone's point of view and they just take it for granted. Hence i get upset very easily.

2. In regards to my mom, it's not that she gets me off my plan, but also the tone in which she requests things from me. It's not her fault, the whole family treats her like that. My entire family has problems with her. And i don't like that. I love her. i really do. I just can't control it, it's hard to control it when my mom in any way slights me by her tone. Probably because it happens every single day. I'm not saying it's her fault.. i'm just saying we all have problems.

EDIT: I think....whatever i say in response to my mom....would end in the same way...whether civil or not. If i were to say "yes mom i'm busy with work" she will continue to ask the same questions. Worst case scenario, she'll walk off in a huff. Either way it doesn't seem to end well. I wish we could have a conversation where it ends well.. :'(

2. i would say 50 in regards to the box. Uhm...i've been told i have no peripheral vision. So..yeah. Anyway, my elder sister treats me like that all the time, that's why eggshells all the time. She has a bad temper too.

3. There is no therapist that i'm aware of in my school. My school kinda... well. sucks in terms of very basic facilities like that. it's still developing quite slowly. I should be grateful though. i have a school and friends.

4. My friend Zack. He's depressed. I don't wanna get on his wrong side. He makes me feel like i did smtg wrong all the time. Prolly that's why i get off track due to that. What you said, basically. Yeah.

Edit: He knows that he's pressuring me. He KNOWS I don't like it. I'm just gonna find someplace else to study in the mean time ; n; so as to avoid hurting his feelings or smtg.

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[PeachCream22]

Sometimes when i tell them (my family) to speak nicely esp my mom, she just puts on a prissy voice and say that i'm a spoiled princess for needing a soft voice.
And i explode.

I can't help it.

There are a lot of issues. it's not a big deal, i tell myself. they are just little things. you are being dramatic. i was raised to think that way, forced to conclude i am a good for nothing. Right now i hate the world. Except PC

Maybe i am depressed again.

But i digress..

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[Bill3]

It sounds like you feel responsible for their feelings.

Worst case scenario, she'll walk off in a huff.

It sounds like you would consider this to be your fault, or at a minimum that you would feel guilty and uneasy if this happened.

You want to have a civil conversation with her, but you cannot make her be civil and it is not your fault if she is not civil. unfortunately, you might have to acknowledge and accept that such conversations perhaps cannot occur right now.

I suspected as much with regard to your sister. It sounds like you are afraid of her getting upset with you, as the consequences can be severe.

There is a word for when a person feels responsible for the feelings of others: Co-dependence. Are you familiar with it? It often comes up in connection with addictions or romantic relationships, but it occurs within families as well. Here are some signs of it:

Signs of codependency include:

• Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
• Having difficulty identifying your feelings
• Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
• Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
• Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

Do You Have a Codependent Personality? | Everyday Health

I suggest that you read a bit about it.

With regard to your anger and temper, in what sorts of situations do you tend to lose control?

How accurate is the following? It sounds like you basically are willing to make yourself into a pretzel (said with all the kindness and respect and gentleness that I can muster ) to understand and support everyone else. Then you start to resent it when they don't acknowledge or appreciate your efforts. Then the resentment boils over and you explode--and everyone blames you for that.

My friend Zack. He's depressed. I don't wanna get on his wrong side.

What would happen if you got on his wrong side?

so as to avoid hurting his feelings or smtg.

Here is a guy who shows up uninvited and interferes, critiques you, and pressures you. What would happen if you hurt his feelings in telling him in a civil way to give you the space you need?

It is possible that your uni does not offer counseling services to students, but it would be worthwhile to check it out imho. Perhaps you could snoop around a bit? Is there a nurse/doctor/health services unit? They might be able to direct you towards counselors. Or if you are in the UK you could ask at an NHS.

I think it could help to sit down and speak with a counselor. I hope and expect that they will understand how family dynamics can lead to low self-esteem and depression. I hope and expect they will have ways to try to help.

I am glad that you have found PC and are using it for help, kindness, and support. You deserve these things! And people here want you to have them.

[PeachCream22]

Hmmm. I think you're right. I'm not independent anymore, and trying to be nice to everyone at the cost of my own emotions. I think i got lost somehow. I didn't know about co-dependence. Thank you for helping me identify my problem! Thank you so much!
1. I tend to lose control esp when people are rude to me. When people are rude to me, i immediately think it's my fault. Hence i get upset at myself which is reflected and i get upset at that person. I think .. that's the process.

2. I am pretzel. Yes.

3. Zack - I don't want him to have a reason to be sad. I'm apparently one of the people he's okay with having around (wow the more i reply the more i identify with co-dependence)

4. I will try snooping around. However, i wish to try my best and help myself first before asking for help. Hence PC I've never been to a therapist yet.

Thank you, Bill3. Your response has been immensely helpful.

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For me, I think what you described about your family in the original post is normal. But about your friend Zack, it's not. You need to set a boundary with him.