How can one cope with the fear of death?

I understand that fear of dying is a part of human nature, an instinct we can't deny, but how can one stop being afraid all the time when there is no immediate danger? Lately I've been thinking of death all the time and it's getting unbearable, especially at night when I can't fall asleep. Also I think about my parents dying all the time. I don't want to lose them. Is it what getting older feels like, constantly getting closer to the oblivion? And the worst thing is that I can't really talk to anyone without getting them upset. I feel so lonely

This is caused by common anxiety with a hint of depression. If this is causing you a serious lack of sleep, seek some counseling.

Hello Hans Olo
I guess feeling afraid of death is normal and everybody feels like that from time to time- but it sounds like you are very occupied with this topic at the moment. I wonder what the reason might be. Are you or someone you know suffering from a lethal illness? Or have you lost someone? Another reason I could make out for you thinking about death is that your worldview/spiritual believes etc have changed or that you are doubting them?
For me in personal, I remember when I was about twelve and realised for the first time in my life on an emotional level that I am definitely going to die some day. And everytime my mind remembered me of this fact, I got really afraid and couldn't comfort myself (this was after I had decided that I was an atheist, I was brought up Christian).
At the end, I accepted for myself that death is a frightening thing and that I have to accept this fear. But also, from today's view, I'd say: Even though I can't change the fact that I'm afraid, I realise to a certain extent that my fear is irrational: Death means "nothing", you don't feel pain or sth, you just stop to exist. We should be rather afraid about feeling (emotional) pain in our lives, or about getting old and regretting things we missed to do than being afraid of death.
With other words, there is a time to be afraid of death, and it's normal and unevitable that you think about it sometimes, but one should also learn to let loose of this feeling and shift one's attention focus to the things that really matter in life: The pleasures and problems you are having right now.
At least that's what I think. Maybe it sounds kind of pathetic.
Anyway, I hope I could help in that you don't feel so alone with this topic anymore.

For me I think the only way to overcome the fear of death is to live your life and respect and love others' in their lives.

Hans,

32 years ago my father died of his first and only heart attack at the age of 58. Exactly 1 year later, to the day, I had my first panic attack. I felt that I was having a heart attack and that death was imminent. And I was afraid. Of death. Of dying.

The year between dad's death and my attack, I went through very much what you describe: an inability to stop thinking about death. I started hallucinating for the first time – any open expanse of grass became a burial ground and I would watch as smoky shapes would rise from the ground and ascend out of sight. Everything escalated and then came the panic attack and now my anxiety levels seem to increase week by week or even day by day and I'm still afraid of death.

Well, it's not death that really frightens me now. More specifically it's 'ceasing to be.' That's a state of non-being that I can't grasp. I have always been. How is it possible that I will no longer be? It's a type of death, I know, but a 'normal' physical death seems kind of orchestrated by society (even if it begins by being blown apart by a suicide bomber and ends with a small service with no remains) and it's really not even possible to mourn another's self or being.

So when I'm having these days-long panic attacks now, they seem to be deeper or more completely destructive than the old 'fear of death' attacks. But all of them, as varied as they are, have death/oblivion (forgot about that one, something that I can dwell on for weeks – after I die, how long will it be until I am completely forgotten?) as an end.

My mom died when I was young and I was 25(?) when my dad died so I never had the 'opportunity' to fear for my parents death. Mom died in an auto crash so both deaths were sudden and unexpected. I can understand the reasoning in fearing for your parents deaths. This may sound very selfish but I've often wished that my dad died 3 months after being diagnosed with some non-painful yet fatal disease. We had a great relationship but I never asked him all that I would have asked had I known that he was going to check out so early.

I don't have any advice for you, really. If the thoughts become overwhelming or cause sleep loss or anxiety (or hallucinations!) I would look to short-term therapy for relief.

Thirty years ago I thought that fear of death was a phase that everyone goes through... but as I've spoken of it over the years and had others call me weird, macabre, morbid, sick, etc., I've decided that only 10-20% of people have a heart-throttling fear of death. Most people either don't give it much thought, are able to rather easily accept death as a part of life, have a comforting belief in some type of afterlife, offer a combination of reasons or "other." Until recently, I was in the combo column but my two selections were fear of death AND belief in afterlife.

Now I think that I'm really running in the nihilism lane; does it matter and why bother worrying? No, my life hasn't mattered in any big way and, as death is inevitable and 'you' die when your body dies there's no reason to worry.

I'm beyond sleepy. I doubt that this makes any sense. Sorry.

"a heart-throttling fear of death"...I completely get you, ciderguy. All of it.

I should not have read this thread...the imminent anxiety warning bells were ringing loud and clear.
But I want to assure the OP that he is not alone. It's a struggle that I have. I can only deal with it by avoidance of what I know will start the waterfall of realizations. It's so, so difficult. I wish I had a better response for you. Hopefully, the depression (and all of it's baggage) will ease.

A fear of dying is natural. I think I had my first experience of that fear when my dad's father died, also of a heart attack, when I was actually about 7. Three years later, my mom's dad died of lung cancer after a 9 month struggle. I realized both times that death was an inevitable part of life, and nothing you can do will change that... it's actually a mildly comforting idea in a very twisted way - it might be THE end, per say, but at least you know it's going to happen eventually. It doesn't come as a surprise that you WILL one day die, move on from this life.

I've had 3 near-death experiences in my short life to date - a house fire that I was caught in at the age of 13, which I only escaped by jumping out a second floor window, was the first. Barely a year later, I was in a high-speed car accident on the interstate that killed one of my best friends beside me and permanently disabled his mom, I escaped with broken ribs and a cracked collarbone. And not long after I turned 16, I was the victim in a home invasion while I was home alone. I shot the intruder. He barely lived. He's languishing in prison now, I claimed self defense and was not in trouble legally. It's honestly a wonder I don't have PTSD from these events.

My point is, I've come so close to dying several times now in life that it's become a very moot point to worry overly much about it, in my instance. Not that you have probably experienced any of that, nor do I wish it on anyone, but it still brings about the same point. It's a fact of life, and it's OKAY to be scared of it. I was scared absolutely shitless in each of those situations. I accepted that each one might be the end for me on this earth. And now, ironically enough, I'm heading into a career path in the FBI where I'll risk my life every day I'm in the field.

I think it's just a matter of acceptance, not "coping", per say. You're just struggling to accept that death is a part of the human experience. Which is perfectly alright until the point it becomes crippling to your daily life.

I hope that maybe my story, my advice, and the stories/advice of others here has maybe helped you even a small amount. Keep pushing on my friend, it'll fall into place and perspective for you with time.

Thanks for the support. I've guessed before that the only way to combat fear of dying are various distractions, a life as somebody may say. Brandon9 and ciderguy, I am so sorry to hear your misfortunes. Hope you can find peace within. Similarly to ciderguy, I'm afraid not of death per se, but of ceasing to be, a state of being or non-being that follows it. My mind cannot understand it and it totally breaks my mind if I dwell on it. But it's rather seldom occasion. But my parents on the other hand, I'm afraid for them all the time. Just can't look at how much older and weaker they have become.
Because of this fear reading anything philosophical or religious depresses me significantly, so I try to avoid it a. I've visited a therapist and he said this fear won't concern me after I find a girlfriend, marry her and have kids. Do you think this is a sound advice? How often do you think it is normal to think about death? Also therapist advised to remember pleasant moments from the path when the fear takes hold, maybe it'll help somebody.

That's it, exactly. It's impossible to comprehend not-being. Not so much a fear of death (although I've never been one to slow down for - or actually stop my car so that I could amble over to see - a traffic accident) but what I called, at 12 or 13, "the mirror effect." I would look into my bathroom mirror and stare directly into my reflected eyes and wonder how I could possibly not be.

Since my battle with being started early, ceased for about 12-13 years, began again at my dad's death and hasn't let up since, I can't confirm your therapist's comment. There were one, maybe two, years where I wasn't overwhelmingly depressed at the unspeakable thought of ceasing to exist but even when I was married and had a child, I wouldn't say that took me far away from my fear – maybe I just had less time to think? I don't know.

My grandfather owned a funeral home in a very small Texas town (large enough to be the county seat, though) and I spent my summers from 6 y.o to 12 y.o. with my grandparents. That meant at least 4 hours per day at the funeral home. So I would say that I'm very comfortable with the 'physical' side of death. And when I was in high school my course load kept getting more and more involved with theology and philosophy (I attended a high school seminary) and, in one way or another, both subjects had a lot to say about death.

So I would say that for the first 17 years of my life I couldn't help but think about death. When you're watching a body that's been cut to pieces having the blood drained out, it's difficult to think of daisies sprouting from the chest cavity. I've never been able to just flip a switch from morose to happy by thinking happy thoughts. Some people seem to be able to do so with little effort, and that baffles me. Something that I don't 'get'. I've had people tell me that I "must let go" and others tell me that I "must put all (my) energy into" achieving that sort of engaging and delightful thinking, or lack of thinking.

Three, four or maybe five times, I've been told that I've 3-6 or 6-12 months to live. I just had a note pop up on my Apple Watch and it seems that exactly 13 years ago I did something to ease my (then) surely imminent death. My last drawn-out period had to have passed 3-4 days ago?

I have a therapist appt and have to go out for my van. I'm always scared to go outside, and much more so riding the van on the highway. I'll come back after my appt.

I appreciate your well-wishes. I have made peace with myself, at this point - I'm not scared of fires, I help my friends family as much as I possibly can since that accident, and I never have felt guilty about shooting that bastard that came into my house, but I think THAT was a defining moment in my life for sure. I realized I'm not scared to do what I have to do to survive in this world, dramatic as it may sound. I never wish that decision on anyone though, it weighs on you like nothing else ever will. Even if the guy lives.

If I may ask, are you religious? Do you believe in a God, or an afterlife of any sort? I admit I may be totally wrong in assuming this, but I get the vibe that you may be athiest. Again, I may be wrong. I bring this up because I haven't really encountered many religious people with this fear of "ceasing to exist", as you put it. Please don't mistake me for pushing religion - I am not overly religious myself, I don't attend church and I admit to having some doubt about God and etc - but I feel as if maybe that, if applicable, could be an underlying cause for your fear, subconsciously or some such way. Or I could be entirely wrong. If so I apologize.

As for your therapist... I would say it might help distract you, as ciderguy pointed out, if you had a relationship or family, but he's also probably shooting a bit of **** too by saying that. That's just my opinion though.

I was born in an atheist family, but later in my life I had become more religious. I was even baptized, but recently I've realized that I have no faith left. I have no idea whether God exists, but I just can't continue visiting church while my belief withers away. I don't want to be a hypocrite, whose belief is only in his words, not his heart. It was a painful realization and it still hurts. I feel lost. Now any theological or philosophical discussion triggers my existential dread.

As for the therapist, I too didn't believe him. He apparently has a kid(possibly a very young one) and maybe he ment that my problems can't compare to his. During the whole time together my therapist mostly emphasized on importance of getting a sexual partner and social interaction. When I said that having kids for me is a very long if feasible perspective and that I haven't thought about kids at all, he replied that I can't postpone it because of biological reasons. I feel like he doesn't understand me and thinks that sex and marriage will "heal all of my wounds". I actually consider leaving him, but I don't know where to go. Now that I think, maybe his message was about filling your life with lots of distractions, such as girlfriend, friends, family, kids, etc?.

Anyways, I wish everybody good luck and enjoy your life.