Social life and depression

I didn't write to get criticism or suggestions or advice. I made that clear from the beginning. If negativity annoys you, don't read and don't reply. I don't need additional criticism right now. I'm self-criticizing myself all the time that I wish at this moment that I just die, or to get cancer and have a certain path to death. I'm beyond self-correcting right now. I'm in the self-sabotaging state. I'm losing all the interests I once had; I work out no more, I read no more, and I eat healthy no more. I'm completely hopeless and drained from energy, that no one would like to be around me. I'm in the direction of losing everything; my job, my health, ... everything. How I see it is that I will end up homeless if I survived. Don't tell me see a therapist or a pdoc because I won't.

I just went out, and among all this vitality in the city in the nice weather, and the laughing and the noise of talking I heard, I was about to cry in public.

Wandering Soul, sending you gentle hugs - this is how it feels for you now, it can get better, maybe you won't want to read this now but many of us have been in a dark place and come through.

It sounds like it is hard to find anything to engage with others about. Only you can have interests and hobbies and thus meet others that might be interested in those things too.

My therapist taught me an important concept when she commented how animated and interested/ing I got when talking about history and what I was working on with it (mostly genealogy now). You become a magnet when you are interested in something so find something that interests you and other people will be interested in you and talking to them won't be as difficult and will be pleasurable as they will be interested in what interests you so both sides will be engaged and engaging and things will "spiral up" instead of down.

Hello wandering soul again
From what you write in here you definitely seem to have social anxiety. Going out and feeling even more sad about all the laughter and good weather and stuff- I know this so well.
I think someone has made the suggestion to agree more on persons- I wouldn't do that. Back then earlier, I was a person that would always say her oppinion, but due to social anxiety, I felt that me saying my opinion so much may be socially inappropriate- so I changed my habit. And you know what happened? People loath me even more than before, but what's worse, I loath myself for having betrayed myself.
Is it that you don't want to see a doc due to anxiety or do you lack hope it'll be useful?
I'm afraid to do phone calls so I couldn't even get an appointment.
As far as I understood, you do seem to have problems initiating conversations- that would be a sign of social anxiety (which I have as well).
Another thing would be are you afraid of intimacy in relatiobships as well? Which would be the case if your anxiety would increase the more close you get to a person, e. g. at the first meetup, you had no problem talking to that person, but the second and third conversation made you even more anxious then before....
That could be a sign you have a Personality Disorder.
And I know non-professional diagnosing can be tricky... but I think we're all human beings capable of using our minds properly- and it can be a great relief to find out there is a "name" for what one is experiencing...
And, the last thing, I think it's perfectly fine to vent. You don't always have to give a "reason" to talk about what's bothering you- sometimes one just feels the desire to share one's thoughts and know that they a heard. At least that's my oppinion.

My interest was reading about science mainly. When I find someone who knows about science, I will be delighted, and will be engaged. The other day me and another guy were talking about some topics in science, and we disagreed, a lot, but we were friendly and happy to present our different views, contrary to what people said here that I need not to disagree and made me sound as if I am a hostile person. Of course opening such topics needs some smooth transitions from simpler talks and introductions, and before that to approach someone and initiate a conversation, which is my main problem. I think I have the capacity to talk about different topics and engage in topics I'm not familiar with. The other day someone was talking to me about how he is interested in far-eastern spirituality, which I found it's something different as I'm a science person, yet we talked about it. But nothing goes beyond these talks.

People don't want you to disagree with them, that's why they tell you not to disagree with people. I do disagree with people, but it's not a random disagreeing and stubbornness and aggressiveness. I present why I disagree in a friendly way if the other side keeps it friendly.

You described something similar to my situation: I don't approach people and initiate talks because I'm afraid of being judged, but I end up probably being judged any way of being so isolated and anxious. Yesterday I went to that meetup, and this time I didn't find someone I can talk to early on, so I just sat alone on a table checking my phone, and then I left very early, because I was sitting there alone amidst all the people who were talking to each others. You can imagine how that feels like.

I don't want to see a doctor because I see no point in doing so. I did before, and my experience was horrible, and I felt worse.

About intimacy, forget about it. Approaching people in general is frightening, but approaching girls for me is beyond that. In the back of my head, I always say why would a girl be interested in me, given that there are all those good looking and interesting guys, who make them laugh? Early on these meetings, I talked to a girl a little and she excused herself in a rude way, in my opinion, just to go to talk to the next guy. I don't handle rejection very well (even though I wasn't intending anything beyond a friendly talk), and this incident probably is the one which triggered in me the withdrawal process in those meetings, as most groups have girls in them.

Again, why knowing the name of the symptoms is important?

I appreciate your input. Thanks

Yes, this is the same way with me you're right.
I feel the same way about romantic relationships... I've given up on that anyway.
Hmm.... for me it was important because... sometimes when I feel very lonely I will type "AvPD forums" into Google and just read the threads...(mostly on Psychforums, as they are very active) and it's consoling in a way that there are so much other people feeling like me.... and finding and connecting to these people is just possible for me because I know there is a "name" for it... Also, I read some scientific stuff about my condition, and it enabled me to have an insight on myself and comprehend myself in a way that I would have never reached just through ruminating about myself on my own...
But I see. If you're not interested in finding a label, then that's your decision. And not everyone is so much interested in psychology stuff. If I had a physical disease, I don't think I could choke myself into reading any scientific work about it, simply because I'm not especially interested in medicine, even if I knew it would be beneficial to get informed. So. Yuh.