[StarBlue]

My life has really been one of the most traumatic, from the womb to this day where there are residue patterns of not feeling worthy, feeling panicky, feeling underserving and a whole lot of depression and disconnection.

Dr. Lawrence Heller was the first one who said that those suffering from developmental trauma actually are not fully present in this world, having one foot in and one foot out.

I've been through the gamut of therapies and nothing has touched on the original traumas. I know what I need and that is a shining light. Someone who possesses so much inner spark that it's contagious. I've been around so much suffering and so much powevery and deprivation that I can only now try with the polar opposite of that.

Someone with humor to respark my own humor. Someone with a deep connection to the Creator to respark that in my and reconnect back to my soul which I've apparently put in chains, somewhere in a dungeon way way back and since all I can do is self-medicate the pain of that inner self suffering away.

I am very sad, depressed actually because I've spent so many years in isolation. I don't want any pity at all because this condition does not respond to pity or even sympathy. Only resources right now. Maybe compassion but I need a direction on how to undo the damage and forge a life forward and upward that doesn't contain within it deprivation or restriction but expansiveness, allowing and healing.

I need healing. I need help.

[Skeezyks]

Hello StarBlue: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

CBT? It deals greatly with self-worth and shame. It was also helpful for beating back the PTSD.

But there is one thing you spoke about that hit home for me. the Creative connection. I lost that connection for these past 5 years and everyone of them was emotionally hell. My connection is the earth. I lost her, or my sense of her at least. I put my foot down and asked - no demanded - that I go on holiday in order to reconnect with her. It is a month away but already the joy I feel is overwhelming.

What can you do to find that 'spark' as you call it? Is it really that unattainable?

[helplessandhopeful]

StarBlue - I am sorry you are hurting and feeling disconnected. Things that have happened will never be undone but they can be healed.
Your writing is amazing - you have a very unique way of expressing yourself - a positive that may restart that creative spark! Buy yourself a special notebook that you can use as a journal and get a nice pen that you love. Write it out - you have a gift.

And please, keep posting. I loved what I read.

[StarBlue]

Hi,

I have it and lose it - I'm on very shaky ground emotionally - my body is also taking a huge hit from all of the stress and anxiety - it's literally shutting down. My digestive system in particular. I feel so helpless right now because I've been going around in circles for so many years trying to find help, going to so many healers and modalities and have really tried everything. Nothing has worked. It's basically been what I've learned here and there from a video or a book or something someone said somewhere that I took and ran with - or hobbled with. But I keep on losing power. Losing the momentum.

I have moments where my heart is bursting right open with grief. I sing and I was making jewelry till a few weeks ago - then TSHTF with my cat who got very sick and I just lost it. I can't grieve any more. I've over 40 and every single moment of my life (!) has been in grief mode. I want to be happy and I want to create. I want to feel something other than grief and sadness and not be in this depression. This is genetic I know - not going into that now - but suffice to say I'm also doing this kind of healing (wanting to) for my entire collective - the family of origin. So much dysfunction - it's unbearable.

I was born - fact - I am allive - fact - I survived - fact. I am treading water and am having a hard time staying afloat and not sinking.

And the tears are totally frozen.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

CBT? It deals greatly with self-worth and shame. It was also helpful for beating back the PTSD.

But there is one thing you spoke about that hit home for me. the Creative connection. I lost that connection for these past 5 years and everyone of them was emotionally hell. My connection is the earth. I lost her, or my sense of her at least. I put my foot down and asked - no demanded - that I go on holiday in order to reconnect with her. It is a month away but already the joy I feel is overwhelming.

What can you do to find that 'spark' as you call it? Is it really that unattainable?

[StarBlue]

OH God bless you. Thanks for your kind words. I write a lot and won prizes for my writing too. But I've always written from the pain and it comes from a place that's so dark and pathetic. You know, I have 10 notebooks, I start them and then I lose the momentum. Then they get scribbled in and become entry books for shopping lists and doodles.
I think it all has to do with not having or being able to keep with a goal. Tried getting coaches - that didn't work either. I lose heart, I turn away, I disconnect from everyone before they disconnect from me. I was a tortured child and there was severe stuff going on at the time - if I can heal that, I might be able to break through. I really do feel bad and have been living as a recluse for so many years.

Glad this place exists. I am grateful and thank you again.

Originally Posted by helplessandhopeful

StarBlue - I am sorry you are hurting and feeling disconnected. Things that have happened will never be undone but they can be healed.
Your writing is amazing - you have a very unique way of expressing yourself - a positive that may restart that creative spark! Buy yourself a special notebook that you can use as a journal and get a nice pen that you love. Write it out - you have a gift.

And please, keep posting. I loved what I read.