This sort of became a rant, but I'm just so angry and I haven't been able to get past my anger and since I can't seem to shut up about it in real life I think my ranting may be getting to the one person I can count on to be an ally...so maybe ranting on here will help...

I wasn't going to talk about this, but there's been a series of events recently (my whole life really, but lately what's been happening has really been the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say)

I'll just start with what happened recently:

I was on the job (I work part time/seasonal for the city while I'm a student) and following all the safety procedures but due to the idiocy/incompetency/whatever of someone in the public, I AND two people I'm responsible for are in an accident. And here's the kicker: if I had NOT been following safety protocols, there wouldn't have been an accident! It's like I'm being punished for doing the right thing. I know that happens all the time, but you usually don't get injured doing that. Had we been really unlucky, we might have even gotten killed. At least the city changed THEIR policies so I can follow safety protocols without risking injury (as much).

And then it's just the awful treatment I've received at my university. They make sure doctoral students who aren't TA's don't get 24 access to facilities (which is standard at other schools), don't get access to special libraries that some of us NEED FOR OUR STUDY/RESEARCH. These are materials we're going to be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. Not to mention, that you can just about only get a TA your first year and after that, it doesn't matter what you do. If you have one, you keep it for 3 years no matter what (unless you defer) and if you don't get one, it doesn't matter what you do (I've presented at several peer-reviewed conferences, for example) you won't get one unless someone who's already "earned" one defers. So my family is paying full tuition for me not to get access to facilities/libraries/etc.

Not only that, but we're treated like undergrads! The way some of the classes are set up, I've ended up being taught by my peers. It would be fine if they treated me like a peer, but some of them don't. Why should they? The school doesn't treat us a peers!

The straw that broke the camel's back however, was a professor playing favorites who picked a sophomore over me for something (I'm not sure if I want to go into detail or not) when I was clearly more qualified. I'm not saying that because I'm much older/have more experience/have three more degrees than him, but because I legitimately proved in front of witnesses that I was more qualified. In fact there were three of us more qualified than him. I put in a lot of work to become more qualified in an area that isn't particularly a specialty of mine.

And the kicker is the professor had already chosen everyone before the beginning of the year so I was just wasting my time in a way!

I'm just so sick of being treated like I'm worth nothing! No wonder I struggle so much with low self-esteem. So what am I supposed to do? Just go, "Life, you're right, just because I earned something with hard work doesn't mean I actually deserve it! I don't deserve it because I'm too much of a loser and too unpopular to deserve anything! How dare I try to take anything away from the golden children! Didn't I know they were born to the right people? Didn't I know they were born the right sex?! (Sexism is unfortunately still rampant in my field...)"

And the whole "wrong sex" thing...that's another thing that plagues me constantly. Like having the "wrong" personality for my given sex. I've probably had some sort of gender dysphoria my whole life, but I'm also not transgender, so it never really gets resolved.

It's all just the tip of the iceberg, but I'm too tired to continue.

I sometimes feel the same, that I'm qualified more than many people, yet I'm stuck with a job that doesn't pay well and I don't enjoy, while others have better jobs and lives. The only reason I can think of is that because they are more sociable and have a wider network of people. I'm not sure if the same thing might apply to you. People tend to underestimate people who aren't very sociable, and overestimate the sociable.

You're probably right. Although, I'm not sure if that's entirely universal. My boyfriend is very sociable and yet he gets treated more or less the same as me often. I've been trying to be more social but I have a hard time trusting people (I usually get used or abused by people who pretend to be my friends in order for me to do their homework etc.) or being even remotely comfortable with discussing most things that involve my opinion. I wasn't safely able to have an opinion when I was younger and I have to trust someone quite a bit to feel like I can have an opinion. A lot of times I don't even develop an opinion (especially in politics) because there doesn't feel like much of a point. I can't handle people who disagree aggressively anyway.

So I'm sure I just seem aloof and unempathetic. I know everyone comments how quiet I am. I try to join conversations, get buried by everyone else talking over me so I just listen.

Another note on being/seeming unempathetic...I still struggle getting my emotional needs met and so I have trouble meeting other people's emotional needs. I can do better than I used to, but still...it's difficult. And you can't make friends unless you can meet other people's emotional needs and I can't do that for multiple people. I'm still going to end up needier than most people which creates imbalances in relationships (which happened in old friendships).

Hey, just wanted to say that you're not alone when it comes to a few of the things you mentioned. I've been struggling with becoming a good friend prospect to others as well. Sometimes I just want to give up, but I know I can't. I'm still too self-absorbed, and when I try to hide it, it shows through other ways.

I related to the comment on gender not matching personality. The way I act reminds most of a guy. I don't think too much on what others want emotionally, although I do care if they're visibly upset. I don't quite consider emotional wants as "needs," and I'm very laid-back and see dressing pretty as too pointless to ever do. I now do occasionally, however, solely for my boyfriend. Although I went through a stage where I found dresses pretty, and I suppose I still do, I still feel it's pointless to wear one. I only "dress up" for interviews. And, I have a strong belief in proving myself by worth and showing that I'm invaluable by my skills. And... I think gossip is boring. So, yeah, I see myself as a girl, but others might be confused about my gender identity.

It took some strength for me to develop opinions after growing up with parents who made fun of me more than not. They didn't have much respect for me in general. Over time, I've developed opinions that I put a lot of thought into first, unless they were completely abstract, like my favorite color. I used to make fun of things too much, such as songs or movies, because I didn't want to be associated with them. After unknowingly hurting feelings, though, I'm trying to curb it. Growing up with difficult parents reminds me of continuous pressure placed on an ball on the entirety of its surface. So, it will morph around weak points until it stabilizes against it, but will be hard to shape back into place, hopefully with some strengthening agent to prevent further shaping.

Just a random thought, but I'm sort of lucky in a way that I'm not trying to be an all-star, but maybe just a little successful. So, if a teacher chooses someone else less qualified than me, I'd just say "good riddance." But, in my major's field, it's a lot easier to bolster your knowledge and skill set in outside work, and I'm still an undergrad (got my AS not too long ago). It still boils my blood to see favoritism getting in the way of good workers who could make the best difference. I mean, unless someone's terrible to work with, that's how I'd hope it'd be. So, I'm real sorry.

It's interesting how I feel the opposite that you do about gender. Other people view me as a girl and I'm the one who's always been confused. That could be because the misogyny I witnessed growing up sort of drilled in the point that women are equivalent to animals. So for me to ever admit I'm a woman, I would be in effect saying that I'm an animal or maybe even subhuman. My parents also had just lost a son before I was born. I'm pretty sure it was the boy they wanted. I tried to be a son. I don't know if I succeeded, but I tried.

And I suppose I am trying to be an all-star. What do I have for self-worth other than intelligence and competency? Other than still being better than at least some men despite my apparent subhuman status.

I think I struggle with feeling sympathy or empathy because my needs weren't met and I just don't have the capacity to care about everyone else. I do have the capacity to care about the special needs children and adults that I work with at my part-time/summer jobs. I'm not sure why. Maybe because they really need it? Or when they care about me they are clearly genuine? I didn't think I had the ability to bond until I met my boyfriend. But then he actually me emotional needs and genuinely cares about me which I guess makes it easier to care about him.

And then I fear that I'm terrible to work with. I get my job done, usually better and more thorough than most. But I also have a fragile ego and have difficulty with criticism. Or at least if what I've done positively isn't pointed out as well. I've gotten better at not reacting, but more empathetic/observant people can still read the anger even if I'm just sitting there nodding and saying "ok".

I feel like overall my anger hasn't really begun to go away, I just control it better. I'm apparently very scary when I'm angry. Or so I've heard. It really didn't help that I had to threaten people just to get them to listen to me when I was younger.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I empathize with you in more ways than you know!

Anger isn't always a "bad" emotion. Go to a kickboxing class, and envision people who have done you dirty faces' in the weight bag and unleash sometime. It will do a body good!

I usually deal with anger by playing video games. You're right that something like kickboxing would be healthier. I'll have to see if they offer anything like that at my university. And also if someone would want to go with me (I hate going to these sorts of things on my own and the campus rec center sends my anxiety into overdrive. I don't think I could handle it on my own right now).

I also notice that the more stressed I get, the angrier I feel. It's not just that I have a ton of stuff to do right now, it's that a lot of it causes anxiety to even do it. Which just makes me angrier as it ends up so much harder for me than it must be for other people. If I didn't get physical symptoms from anxiety, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I don't know. I guess I just feel like I got the short end of the stick this semester at university and there's nothing I can do about. But instead of just letting it go, I'm having a hard time just accepting it.

[sadp8r]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

This sort of became a rant, but I'm just so angry and I haven't been able to get past my anger and since I can't seem to shut up about it in real life I think my ranting may be getting to the one person I can count on to be an ally...so maybe ranting on here will help...

I wasn't going to talk about this, but there's been a series of events recently (my whole life really, but lately what's been happening has really been the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say)

I'll just start with what happened recently:

I was on the job (I work part time/seasonal for the city while I'm a student) and following all the safety procedures but due to the idiocy/incompetency/whatever of someone in the public, I AND two people I'm responsible for are in an accident. And here's the kicker: if I had NOT been following safety protocols, there wouldn't have been an accident! It's like I'm being punished for doing the right thing. I know that happens all the time, but you usually don't get injured doing that. Had we been really unlucky, we might have even gotten killed. At least the city changed THEIR policies so I can follow safety protocols without risking injury (as much).

And then it's just the awful treatment I've received at my university. They make sure doctoral students who aren't TA's don't get 24 access to facilities (which is standard at other schools), don't get access to special libraries that some of us NEED FOR OUR STUDY/RESEARCH. These are materials we're going to be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. Not to mention, that you can just about only get a TA your first year and after that, it doesn't matter what you do. If you have one, you keep it for 3 years no matter what (unless you defer) and if you don't get one, it doesn't matter what you do (I've presented at several peer-reviewed conferences, for example) you won't get one unless someone who's already "earned" one defers. So my family is paying full tuition for me not to get access to facilities/libraries/etc.

Not only that, but we're treated like undergrads! The way some of the classes are set up, I've ended up being taught by my peers. It would be fine if they treated me like a peer, but some of them don't. Why should they? The school doesn't treat us a peers!

The straw that broke the camel's back however, was a professor playing favorites who picked a sophomore over me for something (I'm not sure if I want to go into detail or not) when I was clearly more qualified. I'm not saying that because I'm much older/have more experience/have three more degrees than him, but because I legitimately proved in front of witnesses that I was more qualified. In fact there were three of us more qualified than him. I put in a lot of work to become more qualified in an area that isn't particularly a specialty of mine.

And the kicker is the professor had already chosen everyone before the beginning of the year so I was just wasting my time in a way!

I'm just so sick of being treated like I'm worth nothing! No wonder I struggle so much with low self-esteem. So what am I supposed to do? Just go, "Life, you're right, just because I earned something with hard work doesn't mean I actually deserve it! I don't deserve it because I'm too much of a loser and too unpopular to deserve anything! How dare I try to take anything away from the golden children! Didn't I know they were born to the right people? Didn't I know they were born the right sex?! (Sexism is unfortunately still rampant in my field...)"

And the whole "wrong sex" thing...that's another thing that plagues me constantly. Like having the "wrong" personality for my given sex. I've probably had some sort of gender dysphoria my whole life, but I'm also not transgender, so it never really gets resolved.

It's all just the tip of the iceberg, but I'm too tired to continue.

Hi I just read your post...first you found the right place to express your anger and let it out....also i want to say You sound very Intelligent and to me it seems You are also a "fighter".....tho i cant relate when it comes to college as ive never been to college...wasnt really smart enough and also crowds made me uncomfortable and i also felt like i wouldnt "fit in"...i have dealt with anger issues and i will be honest twice it scared me for i felt like i wanted to hurt these people who hurt me and ive never felt such rage before it scared me....but my counselor suggested i take a break and go to hospital for a while....im not recommending You go to hospital...but You seem braver and stronger...i know i cant find the words to help your situation but im proud of you for sharing your feelings and i do wish the best for you...you deserve it my friend.....

Your being punished for being in an accident while following safety protocols while working for a city smells like you should have some kind of formal avenue for recourse; do you belong to a union? Can you file a complaint? Seeking justice through official channels might be a stressful headache, but your complaint has to be taken seriously, and doing anything in your defense might make you feel better. As for your frustration from your treatment in your studies, academia has a reputation for all that garbage, but is there a dean or advisor to whom you can complain, or just vent? It all sounds egregiously unfair.

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

Your being punished for being in an accident while following safety protocols while working for a city smells like you should have some kind of formal avenue for recourse; do you belong to a union? Can you file a complaint? Seeking justice through official channels might be a stressful headache, but your complaint has to be taken seriously, and doing anything in your defense might make you feel better. As for your frustration from your treatment in your studies, academia has a reputation for all that garbage, but is there a dean or advisor to whom you can complain, or just vent? It all sounds egregiously unfair.

I was just angry that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the accident (unless I ironically circumvented the safety protocols). The city is paying for all medical bills that the other person involved in the accident's insurance won't cover and workman's comp is covering future chiropractic visits since I had gotten whiplash which had aggravated neck problems I've already had. Not only that but my department has revised policy and the city has begun making the changes necessary to make the job safer for everyone. And my entire department (including supervisors and I'm pretty sure their supervisors) are pushing for change. I have since gotten a small raise and have moved on from seasonal to part-time year round work, so I think all in all the city and the department has done what is necessary to make up for what happened. And the reforms surprisingly began happening immediately. So my complaint, or rather the paperwork filed after the accident HAS been taken seriously. I wish it hadn't happened in the first place (and that's what I'm angry about), but the aftermath is a lot better (and less corrupt) than I expected.

As for the issues at my university, unfortunately they (the school as a whole, as there are still good professors there) don't seem to realize that I could technically have the last laugh in the end. I will not be donating any money to that school. When my future undergrads discuss graduate school, I will make sure to deter them from that school. It's rather foolish to treat your future colleagues at other universities in such a way that will make them not want to support your department. If they think recruitment in some areas is bad now, make enough people angry (I'm definitely not the only one) and you're almost guaranteeing the downfall of your department. It almost went under not that long ago (10-15 years ago maybe?) and could have been overshadowed by our much smaller, less funded state rival. It could happen again. Or they continue to be overshadowed by departments at other schools in our conference. We might becoming an embarrassment joining a conference with very well known departments...

Originally Posted by sadp8r

Hi I just read your post...first you found the right place to express your anger and let it out....also i want to say You sound very Intelligent and to me it seems You are also a "fighter".....tho i cant relate when it comes to college as ive never been to college...wasnt really smart enough and also crowds made me uncomfortable and i also felt like i wouldnt "fit in"...i have dealt with anger issues and i will be honest twice it scared me for i felt like i wanted to hurt these people who hurt me and ive never felt such rage before it scared me....but my counselor suggested i take a break and go to hospital for a while....im not recommending You go to hospital...but You seem braver and stronger...i know i cant find the words to help your situation but im proud of you for sharing your feelings and i do wish the best for you...you deserve it my friend.....

At one point it was considered that I should go to the hospital, but I have a little more support in real life now and now I'm not really a danger to myself and others (I don't remember when I last self-harmed. It's been a while.)

Well, I do feel a little better overall (especially after typing out the reply to Lefty), but it's not like my anger's completely disappeared. I'll definitely continue to vent in this thread if I need to.

[Maksim kanareikin]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

This sort of became a rant, but I'm just so angry and I haven't been able to get past my anger and since I can't seem to shut up about it in real life I think my ranting may be getting to the one person I can count on to be an ally...so maybe ranting on here will help...

I wasn't going to talk about this, but there's been a series of events recently (my whole life really, but lately what's been happening has really been the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say)

I'll just start with what happened recently:

I was on the job (I work part time/seasonal for the city while I'm a student) and following all the safety procedures but due to the idiocy/incompetency/whatever of someone in the public, I AND two people I'm responsible for are in an accident. And here's the kicker: if I had NOT been following safety protocols, there wouldn't have been an accident! It's like I'm being punished for doing the right thing. I know that happens all the time, but you usually don't get injured doing that. Had we been really unlucky, we might have even gotten killed. At least the city changed THEIR policies so I can follow safety protocols without risking injury (as much).

And then it's just the awful treatment I've received at my university. They make sure doctoral students who aren't TA's don't get 24 access to facilities (which is standard at other schools), don't get access to special libraries that some of us NEED FOR OUR STUDY/RESEARCH. These are materials we're going to be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. Not to mention, that you can just about only get a TA your first year and after that, it doesn't matter what you do. If you have one, you keep it for 3 years no matter what (unless you defer) and if you don't get one, it doesn't matter what you do (I've presented at several peer-reviewed conferences, for example) you won't get one unless someone who's already "earned" one defers. So my family is paying full tuition for me not to get access to facilities/libraries/etc.

Not only that, but we're treated like undergrads! The way some of the classes are set up, I've ended up being taught by my peers. It would be fine if they treated me like a peer, but some of them don't. Why should they? The school doesn't treat us a peers!

The straw that broke the camel's back however, was a professor playing favorites who picked a sophomore over me for something (I'm not sure if I want to go into detail or not) when I was clearly more qualified. I'm not saying that because I'm much older/have more experience/have three more degrees than him, but because I legitimately proved in front of witnesses that I was more qualified. In fact there were three of us more qualified than him. I put in a lot of work to become more qualified in an area that isn't particularly a specialty of mine.

And the kicker is the professor had already chosen everyone before the beginning of the year so I was just wasting my time in a way!

I'm just so sick of being treated like I'm worth nothing! No wonder I struggle so much with low self-esteem. So what am I supposed to do? Just go, "Life, you're right, just because I earned something with hard work doesn't mean I actually deserve it! I don't deserve it because I'm too much of a loser and too unpopular to deserve anything! How dare I try to take anything away from the golden children! Didn't I know they were born to the right people? Didn't I know they were born the right sex?! (Sexism is unfortunately still rampant in my field...)"

And the whole "wrong sex" thing...that's another thing that plagues me constantly. Like having the "wrong" personality for my given sex. I've probably had some sort of gender dysphoria my whole life, but I'm also not transgender, so it never really gets resolved.

It's all just the tip of the iceberg, but I'm too tired to continue.

can understand that. You need to understand that you are unique. Then everything will pass and self-esteem will rise.