[black-roses]

I feel like I am at a crossroads were they're are so many choices I can make but none of them are fitting perfectly. I wanted to be a tattoo artist I was sure that was what I wanted it doesn't seem a perfect fit. been viewing everything as if I am an observer of my life but that's not enough to know everything. It seems the demand is that I take my time with my life and hopefully the universe will guide me there's no point fighting my confusion I have to wait till I have all the information. The unfortunate thing is I am not someone that waits until I know the facts I am highly emotional and I want everything to be like it is in my head. unfortunately life doesn't quite work that way it will never be exactly how I pictured it because maybe what I think I can do and end up doing could be two different things. the thing I think I can do could be my limitation stopping me from what I am r daeally capable and end up doing. There really is no point talking to anyone as I really don't have any facts on my own life so it's pretty much like a massive confusion and the others become frustrated. I am the one who now has to distance myself from others so I can actually listen to that voice in my heart without any distractions. which was the last thing I wanted to do because the last thing I wanted was to feel my emotions because I know how much they damaged me the last time. we all know how that made me confront others and jump the gun when I again interpreted it wrong. My mother tells me don't let others treat you like defend yourself that is what I have been doing but now that is wrong too. I guess the only way is to walk away from everyone and everything. and come back to it all later.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to this.. I'm sorry you're going through this

Maybe the problem is you have been thus far not accountable for your actions. Based on other posts of yours I really have the impression you have been allowed to get away until now with not being responsible for anything, anyone, and to yourself. No wonder you feel a sense of being lost amongst it all. It also would explain the power struggle you aare having with your mom. So too it explains to me your rather questionable choices.

What you need to do - before you engage in anything - is stop and ask yourself "Is this an appropriate choice?" What would you reasonably expect someone else to do? Would other people encourage or discourage what you want to do?

You need to teach yourself to be responsible - especially to yourself. Once this is accomplished you will find you don't feel so lost. It is likely at this point you will have found a sense of direction.

I admit BlackRoses that I find reading your posts somewhat cringe worthy. The common thread to all of them is the lack of self control. I do not feel this is caused by mental illness. While mental illness may aggrivate things I think irresponsibility is the root cause. I would like to see you held accountable for your choices and actions. My interpretation of the relationship you have with mom is that she is trying to do just that. What if you were to set aside even a week and back off from the struggle. At worse it will be a difficult week living under her thumb. At best, however, it may give you some insite and possibly see some improvement in things.

I have been getting more and more stern with you. Let's say it is the mother in me. I only want the best for you. Sometimes a dose of tough love is required.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Maybe the problem is you have been thus far not accountable for your actions. Based on other posts of yours I really have the impression you have been allowed to get away until now with not being responsible for anything, anyone, and to yourself. No wonder you feel a sense of being lost amongst it all. It also would explain the power struggle you aare having with your mom. So too it explains to me your rather questionable choices.

What you need to do - before you engage in anything - is stop and ask yourself "Is this an appropriate choice?" What would you reasonably expect someone else to do? Would other people encourage or discourage what you want to do?

You need to teach yourself to be responsible - especially to yourself. Once this is accomplished you will find you don't feel so lost. It is likely at this point you will have found a sense of direction.

I admit BlackRoses that I find reading your posts somewhat cringe worthy. The common thread to all of them is the lack of self control. I do not feel this is caused by mental illness. While mental illness may aggrivate things I think irresponsibility is the root cause. I would like to see you held accountable for your choices and actions. My interpretation of the relationship you have with mom is that she is trying to do just that. What if you were to set aside even a week and back off from the struggle. At worse it will be a difficult week living under her thumb. At best, however, it may give you some insite and possibly see some improvement in things.

I have been getting more and more stern with you. Let's say it is the mother in me. I only want the best for you. Sometimes a dose of tough love is required.

I have taken that step back admitting that I feel like I have been a burden and my own issues of careless have held her back from her life. I explained to her that I feel responsible for her being trapped I feel responsible for the frustration everyone feels in my family for me not taking responsibility of my actions. I am impulaive and the issue is I always let my emotions get the. better of me someone could mean the best but for me I get snappy because of my lack of self regulation in my own emotions that I need to take care of. When people say I am not mentally ill and I am just attention seeking it makes my struggle feel less valid and I feel this hurt and upset that no one has listened to my point of view. I have been used to people treating me sternly and harshly when I was in Madeira and living with my cousin and her soon to be husband I was told off everyday. I would have long lectures in the car about my lack of care for my own life after being told off everyday for every little mess I made. every time I forgot something I finally couldn't it take it and I just broke down and started crying a two year old have me a lolly to try and cheer me up and I just cried harder. it was a nice gesture after feeling like I am burden because I make everyone's life harder. I just told mum I am this way if I can't take care of myself and I cause problems and I am just a problem you need to give up on me I am not worth your suffering. it's also one of the reasons why I always tried to run away but no matter where I want I caused problems for others. people think I don't know that my irresponsibility makes them suffer I know this and I keep my suffering to myself. I never got help for myself because it was more wasted effort everyone else had to put for me to help me. All I ever wanted was for people to give up on me and I just let myself decay and die I never wanted anyone else to be part of my lack of irresponsibility and I am in pain that someone else still tries to help me. Haven't I taken enough already aren't you already tired of me why are wasting effort when I am worth any of it? So yes I pity myself but that's only because of the fact that other's still try for me when I feel I am a lost cause.

[phaset]

justafriend306, one my my favorite songs is "Don't Say Nothing" by Patti Smith. I am trying to live by its message, and now I feel I must say something.

I do not think it's appropriate to call this young women's posts "cringe worthy". It is not your place to tell her what to do, nor is it your place to lecture her on responsibility. This is not tough love. I fail to see how your criticism is supposed to help her in any way. I would like you read this post:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...ment-here.html

For the song:
https://g.co/kgs/xyZGkN

Black-roses, you ARE worth it.

Blindly patting people on the back is not necessarily the most constructive support one can provide. Rather keeping things realistic and relevant even if it seems harsh on occasion is required.

[kadie2]

I sure know that feeling of not being worth it, it's a struggle. The thing that helps me is to do any one thing that will make you proud of yourself...No matter how small. Then build on that achievement. Those little things add up. Having other people say that I'm worth it is nice, but what really helps is realizing within myself that I am worth it.
One of the little things that helped was setting a little goal anything will do...the smaller the better, and then putting a sticker on my calendar showing myself I did it. I have tons of stickers....depending on how I feel about what I did...smiley faces, frowns, flowers, little sayings like: "good job" or "doing better"
I hope you get to feeling better about yourself because you deserve it.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by kadie2

I sure know that feeling of not being worth it, it's a struggle. The thing that helps me is to do any one thing that will make you proud of yourself...No matter how small. Then build on that achievement. Those little things add up. Having other people say that I'm worth it is nice, but what really helps is realizing within myself that I am worth it.
One of the little things that helped was setting a little goal anything will do...the smaller the better, and then putting a sticker on my calendar showing myself I did it. I have tons of stickers....depending on how I feel about what I did...smiley faces, frowns, flowers, little sayings like: "good job" or "doing better"
I hope you get to feeling better about yourself because you deserve it.

I think the reason why I was so displeased at males and the like because I knew I wasn't the one establishing the boundaries I was letting them run me all because I was afraid of the backlash and the negativity. When I explained to Jack that I felt uncomfortable by the closeness I thought I would need to explain myself I didn't feel the need to jusify anything. I realized I deserve to be treated like a princess and to have respect from guys. Sometimes being confident is telling people how they should be treating you setting the standards on how they will treat you before it's too late.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by black-roses

All I ever wanted was for people to give up on me and I just let myself decay and die I never wanted anyone else to be part of my lack of irresponsibility.

So why have you wanted this more than to LEARN HOW to become a mature responsible adult?

Did you think that responsibility just magically happens without being taught or without any work on your part?

Honestly many people in your position haven't LEARNED HOW to use their WISE MIND. It's a combination of learning HOW to be aware of the REALITY around you, not what you imagine it to be. With that comes being aware & using your logical mind (we all have one) & being aware & combining your emotional mind with your logical thinking. Wise mind is the intersection of your logical & your emotional thinking. Putting them together as if you have two circles side by side that intersect in a small area where they overlap. It's the decisions we make that give us a peaceful feeling that we know it's right, making both out logic & emotions satisfied. Better known as "common sense".

There may be something going on in your environment that is causing your emotional mind to be so active as it is where our fight or flight responses come from & when there is what we feel a threatening situation, it overrides our ability to make the logical mind active. Some work (therapy) needs to be done to help you with being mindful, thinking of only one thing at a time about whatnisngoing on in your life (FOCUS) so that your mind can start to function more normally. Many of these things kids in a stable family with parents who are more functional are taught as kids along with skills to handle emotions & regulate them & to learn how to handle distressing things that happen in our life but it seems these days that parents are either so dysfunctional that they don't have the skills themselves to teach their kids or they are somwrappedmup in their own problems they don't have time.

If we learn these skills as a child, we practice them naturally as we grow & the neural pathways that form in our brain are in place to function in a healthy way & we mature in ways so that we can handle what life throws us. If we dont learn these skills as a kid, we make shift the way we respond to things & don't usually develop neural pathways in our brain so that we can react in a mature way as we grow but we end up continuing to react as we did as a child because that is what our brain learned to do.

The good thing is that neural pathways can be reprogrammed as we know from stroke victims & people who have had traumatic brain injuries (TBI). It takes learning new skills & practicing them over & over again until they become as natural behavior as the other actions we learned as a child.

The KEY to successfully doing this is DESIRE & WILLINGNESS to put in the amount of effort, time, & practice that this takes & it also takes finding a good therapist who is capable of teaching you the skills you are lacking. It seems like your mom is trying tondo this at this point but the already advisarial relationship you have with her doesn't make for a good learning environment.n usually better coming from someone outside the family at this point in your life.

Hope some of this makes sense to you.

There is some reason for your immaturity emotionally & intellectual (lack of desire to learn). Some times this comes from a mental illness condition that has been over looked or misunderstood or misdiagnosed, sometimes it just comes from the environment you are living in & have learned from. However there are conditions that people can have that cause them to never be able to emotionally mature. I was married to a man like that for 33 years & it finally got to be too much for me to tolerate. Our T said that for some reason my H was never capable of emotionally maturing past a teenage level. I have since learned why after much research on my own & understand what I had been dealing with all those years but it's important to get a proper DX if that is the case because it's important to understand why & it's important for those close around you to know also so they can provide the necessary support without putting expectations on you that can't be reached. At this point in time it doesn't seem like its really known why you are struggling like this , whether it's just lack of being taught as you were growing up or whether you have a disability that causes you to be unable to learn these skills. Therapy & a good assessment by a pdoc might provide the insight needed

The fact that your problems follow you to everywhere you go indicates that it's NOT JUST the environment you are living in that is causing the problem but it could have been where you learned the dysfunctional skills you are now using which are following you everywhere you go..

EVERYONE DESERVES THE HELP THEY NEED to grow & mature or to find out the real reasons why it isn't happening.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by eskielover

So why have you wanted this more than to LEARN HOW to become a mature responsible adult?

Did you think that responsibility just magically happens without being taught or without any work on your part?

Honestly many people in your position haven't LEARNED HOW to use their WISE MIND. It's a combination of learning HOW to be aware of the REALITY around you, not what you imagine it to be. With that comes being aware & using your logical mind (we all have one) & being aware & combining your emotional mind with your logical thinking. Wise mind is the intersection of your logical & your emotional thinking. Putting them together as if you have two circles side by side that intersect in a small area where they overlap. It's the decisions we make that give us a peaceful feeling that we know it's right, making both out logic & emotions satisfied. Better known as "common sense".

There may be something going on in your environment that is causing your emotional mind to be so active as it is where our fight or flight responses come from & when there is what we feel a threatening situation, it overrides our ability to make the logical mind active. Some work (therapy) needs to be done to help you with being mindful, thinking of only one thing at a time about whatnisngoing on in your life (FOCUS) so that your mind can start to function more normally. Many of these things kids in a stable family with parents who are more functional are taught as kids along with skills to handle emotions & regulate them & to learn how to handle distressing things that happen in our life but it seems these days that parents are either so dysfunctional that they don't have the skills themselves to teach their kids or they are somwrappedmup in their own problems they don't have time.

If we learn these skills as a child, we practice them naturally as we grow & the neural pathways that form in our brain are in place to function in a healthy way & we mature in ways so that we can handle what life throws us. If we dont learn these skills as a kid, we make shift the way we respond to things & don't usually develop neural pathways in our brain so that we can react in a mature way as we grow but we end up continuing to react as we did as a child because that is what our brain learned to do.

The good thing is that neural pathways can be reprogrammed as we know from stroke victims & people who have had traumatic brain injuries (TBI). It takes learning new skills & practicing them over & over again until they become as natural behavior as the other actions we learned as a child.

The KEY to successfully doing this is DESIRE & WILLINGNESS to put in the amount of effort, time, & practice that this takes & it also takes finding a good therapist who is capable of teaching you the skills you are lacking. It seems like your mom is trying tondo this at this point but the already advisarial relationship you have with her doesn't make for a good learning environment.n usually better coming from someone outside the family at this point in your life.

Hope some of this makes sense to you.

There is some reason for your immaturity emotionally & intellectual (lack of desire to learn). Some times this comes from a mental illness condition that has been over looked or misunderstood or misdiagnosed, sometimes it just comes from the environment you are living in & have learned from. However there are conditions that people can have that cause them to never be able to emotionally mature. I was married to a man like that for 33 years & it finally got to be too much for me to tolerate. Our T said that for some reason my H was never capable of emotionally maturing past a teenage level. I have since learned why after much research on my own & understand what I had been dealing with all those years but it's important to get a proper DX if that is the case because it's important to understand why & it's important for those close around you to know also so they can provide the necessary support without putting expectations on you that can't be reached. At this point in time it doesn't seem like its really known why you are struggling like this , whether it's just lack of being taught as you were growing up or whether you have a disability that causes you to be unable to learn these skills. Therapy & a good assessment by a pdoc might provide the insight needed

The fact that your problems follow you to everywhere you go indicates that it's NOT JUST the environment you are living in that is causing the problem but it could have been where you learned the dysfunctional skills you are now using which are following you everywhere you go..

EVERYONE DESERVES THE HELP THEY NEED to grow & mature or to find out the real reasons why it isn't happening.

I absolutely agree with everything you've said and I feel like a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is not the most accurate diagnosis while borderline May be a maturity disorder I feel my problem is so much more than that. I have become so used to be unstable that for me I don't notice it but unless I am on my medication taking it properly I just can't stop getting over emotional and just pass all the emotions so fast and just get to anger. It makes sense if I am adhd that I would have a problem with controlling my emotions however what didn't help was only teaching me a few skills like mindfulness I need so much more then that. I literally feel like I need to be mentored to do the same normal things others do maybe I am just unmotivated and all these behaviours are just a manifestation of my motivation. I need reasonable goals and I need someone that can help me with my goals like a mentor.

[eskielover]

I oftened wondered why my husband with a high IQ needed his hand held with everything he did. He needed to be taught but didn't learn simple things that were obvious to others. I held his hand walking him through getting out of the bad debt we got into. As soon as he had to be TOTALLY responsible when I got sick, he FAILED completely at handling the home finances.

Another example of always needing to be taught was when we were taking an interior design class & having to make a color wheel using just primary colors. Everyone was struggling to get the colors right....he said he couldn't do the project because no one had ever taught him how to use a paint brush . I now understand after leaving him & working through what in the world was going on all those years....realized it is something that often goes along with ADD & explained ALL the issues I had been dealing with.

A formal DX would have been good for him so he would understand himself better. I'm sure this is the case with you also....also can help define WHY the limitations are there & can be worked on within your abilities.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I oftened wondered why my husband with a high IQ needed his hand held with everything he did. He needed to be taught but didn't learn simple things that were obvious to others. I held his hand walking him through getting out of the bad debt we got into. As soon as he had to be TOTALLY responsible when I got sick, he FAILED completely at handling the home finances.

Another example of always needing to be taught was when we were taking an interior design class & having to make a color wheel using just primary colors. Everyone was struggling to get the colors right....he said he couldn't do the project because no one had ever taught him how to use a paint brush . I now understand after leaving him & working through what in the world was going on all those years....realized it is something that often goes along with ADD & explained ALL the issues I had been dealing with.

A formal DX would have been good for him so he would understand himself better. I'm sure this is the case with you also....also can help define WHY the limitations are there & can be worked on within your abilities.

Today, I went to my psychiatrist appointment and I told him everything about my memory how everywhere I went I was told off for forgetting. I told him for once I was the one reminding my mother about my appointments not the other way around. I told him about my fears of being dominated in any relationship. He recommended to me interpersonal counselling he said this will deal with the skills I am lacking. I am so glad I asked him I have finally found the answers I have been looking for what I feel has been my whole life. I told him I am more assertive than before and that my mother is still not used to it as she's used to seeing me let others dominate me.

[eskielover]

Your mother probably still sees you making poor choices while you are attempting to be more assertive. Remember, with being independent also comes the need to know how to make wise decisions that won't end up destroying your future life. It takes maturity but also the ability to use your logical mind....something you haven't learned how to do yet either. That is just as important as being more assertive.

When parents see us making really bad desisions for ourselves (even poor choices in friends boy or girl, or make poor behavior choices) parents tend to to want to protect & are less likely to want to let go.

If you show good judgments along with assertiveness then parents realize you are growing up & becoming able to be responsible for yourself & are a lot more willing to let go

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Your mother probably still sees you making poor choices while you are attempting to be more assertive. Remember, with being independent also comes the need to know how to make wise decisions that won't end up destroying your future life. It takes maturity but also the ability to use your logical mind....something you haven't learned how to do yet either. That is just as important as being more assertive.

When parents see us making really bad desisions for ourselves (even poor choices in friends boy or girl, or make poor behavior choices) parents tend to to want to protect & are less likely to want to let go.

If you show good judgments along with assertiveness then parents realize you are growing up & becoming able to be responsible for yourself & are a lot more willing to let go

I find it all so comical that she can ask me about my finances but today she went to an op shop and bought so much clothes it had to be carried in a massive duffle bag. I looked at her quizzically as she has so much clothes her wardrobe is over flowing and there's like a massive pile of garments mainly hers at side... I feel she's a tad hypocritical..

[eskielover]

Yes, but her hypocritical doesn't mean that you can't do better & use that as an example of bad choices that you don't have to follow. Sometimes we learn good from the same person we learn traits we don't want to be like. It's ALWAYS a learning opportunity

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Yes, but her hypocritical doesn't mean that you can't do better & use that as an example of bad choices that you don't have to follow. Sometimes we learn good from the same person we learn traits we don't want to be like. It's ALWAYS a learning opportunity

It's very true I never realized until today that I had so many qualities like my mother. I guess it now makes sense why our situation got like this...