Another Day In Paradise

I'm in a horrific funk mood over same conflict with h while our kids are in town for the weekend. I ruined the time that could have been wonderful. I'm popping anything I can to try to lift my mood. I can't stand to look at h. I have to be around him and act like a happy family. How am I going to pick myself up and save the day today?

I self medicated and punched the crap out of myself yesterday, staying in my room all day and night alone sulking, crying, sleeping it off.

Meanwhile, h gets to have a lovely time with the kids.

I'm sorry your day is so bad. It's a shame that you feel you have to self medicate. Maybe you could take a shower and see if that helps your mood. I know it usually helps mine.

I'm sorry to hear this.

And another 24 hours of hell ensued. I drove off this morning thinking I'd go to the ER rather than self medicating. As soon as I left, I felt better and drove to the Animal Rescue Shelter to see about us maybe adopting a dog.

My gf called and mentioned that my former bff, who I have defriended several years ago because she was so rude to me, was posting on fb about wanting to reconnect with old friends. So my gf said she'd message her and say I wanted to reconnect 'could use an old friend as I've been going through a really bad time'. The former friend messaged back saying she 'wishes me well but can't help me'.

I never did anything to her. I was a sister to her, friends since we were two, college roommates.

So that really hurt and I sure didn''t need that to add to the battle with my h.

Horrible Thanksgiving weekend, even though I made such a beautiful dinner party where everyone was great.

Unsolvable, unfixable struggle stalemate with h.

Therapist was texted and didn't reply. What good is he in a crisis?

Children were brought into it. This has to stop.

First thing Monday, I'll find myself yet another new psychiatrist and examine the meds I am on. The self medicating is playing roulette and my kidneys will probably give out.

I wish I had some advise but am sorry and know your not alone I won't even be with anyone because what do u say when your depressed.

It was another bad scene tonight. I just can't stand to be around him when we are in this cycle. I asked him to leave because I want to spend some time with the boys before they return to school. He guilted me to let him stay, reminded me how I'd love him again once we get it right. I gave up, went back in the bedroom, locking myself in, taking two more Aleve PM.

A few minutes later I hear a boom. My son had kicked in my bedroom door thinking I had OD'd. They had told h to leave and then freaked out that I had locked the door. When I didn't hear them knocking, they kicked in the door.

I yelled to them that I was on the toilet.

They overreacted. But I really did take more pills.

So now I need to replace a couple of doors; kicked in door, punched in door, and patch a fist put through a wall, and the wall where I broke the lamp this summer.

This is really a family having domestic violence.

When my h was gone, I felt much better though. I told the boys the door was not important--we are. We vowed we'd make it through this and be alright. They said I should not change my mind and take back in husband. This has to stop.

I am so sorry I couldn't control my emotions. I have to listen to my emotions. It's simple-- when I am crying, it means I am unhappy, and when I feel fine, that is good. We were together, I was crying. We are apart, I feel fine.

So now I am in my house and h is out.

The t never even texted back.

My kids will be supportive and help me be strong.

I feel like damaged goods now and ready to be unattached and uninvolved.

At least the t saw how this really was my h's issue much more than mine. He validated me and that felt good.

I appreciate my h was trying to improve, I do. It just wouldn't ever be good, and it was too maddening to keep living through.

I want the t to help me separate from h.

Your children sound wonderful. I am glad that one of your son's cared enough to kick the door down. I honestly understand why he thought you might have OD'd. I know you need many of your psych meds and pain medications to function but you are ruining your health by taking more than the doctor has prescribed. You have to be strong for your sons. It will not be easy. One of the first things you have to do is make yourself not take more pills than prescribed and to stop drinking until this whole mess is over. If you can do that, then you will be more clearheaded about taking steps to seperate from you H.

You know, I wasn't going to post because I said "I'm done with the situation, I really am", but I since you keep posting on my threads with solid advice, I'll give you one last piece in return. It's the least I can do.

You could have saved yourself all this heartache if you did what I told ya.

This one's for you, Artchic. Ten points to Gryffendor!

???

I'm afraid I don't get subtleties. They simply go right over my head. I'm sorry you're hurting though.

I'm saying you were right, and that photo is of my broken door.

I have to go order new doors today. How f'n humiliating to let anyone see holes in my doors and walls!

Hugs

The woman at the store joked and said if I wanted holes in the doors that would be extra. I told her it was a wild Thanksgiving weekend. Thousands of dollars later...

My God, I just wish I could disappear...

I'm sorry. that joke was really uncalled for

Remember that you have us. It's not much, but it's something.

I find this kind of useless and a little smug.
Tish hurts. Heck most of us do. Most of us make mistakes. It wouldn't hurt for you to simply be supportive.

Not even a blip on my radar as I am lost down the well of relationship hell.

Why can't I control my emotions in this? I'm sitting here actually contemplating asking for serious drugs again in order to stay in it. Like I want to exorcise my personality in order to be the Stepford wife, so I can stay. Like I want to be given a lobotomy. Why?

Today is Day 1 without him (even though I'll see him at the therapist's). Let me just make it to Day 2, and so on... I LIKE ME. If my emotions are out of control in this, it means I am miserably unhappy in this.

This reminds me of when my boyfriend punched a hole in a door at our old apartment...had to pay a couple hundred dollars to replace it. It certainly feels embarrassing, but ***** happens unfortunately.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal.
I think that some of us are not as strong as others here. I'm not strong. I have a difficult time with the grief of ending any sort of relationship (I can't speak about marriage, but if I can't deal with a friendship ending, then I would be dead by my own hand if my marriage did)....

I have learned, from the kind folks here, that it's okay to feel however you feel. It doesn't hurt any less to know this, it simply is a kind of solace to know that you're in no way inferior to anyone else.

Keep posting and keep trying...

Cheer up ~ As Jack Ma said "Today is hard, tomorrow is worse but the day after tomorrow is sunshine" Good luck !

How are you Tish? Are you better?

Day 4 separated again.

I'm thinking about scrubbing my floor tile grout on my hands and knees until I collapse with exhaustion.

Good thing I did that. Found the dryer vent was broken. More expensive repairs now. I'll deal with it myself. Playing house with a man who couldn't care less sucked.