Do people really 'forgive themselves'?

I hear it a lot when I admit to making a mistake. I am told to "forgive yourself and move on", but I'm wondering if they're speaking the truth or whether it's just something that people say.

How on earth do you forgive yourself and move on? It's a totally odd idea to me.

Or do you think it's just a saying? Or that people are somehow fooling themselves when they say that this is how they handle their own mistakes?

To me, it's just one more layer of guilt to add onto the ever-increasing-'guilt-rubber-band'-ball...

I think it's like telling people to "love themselves"...sk much easier said than done.

I personally will never forgive myself for the things I've done, and I think it's unfair to expect me to when other people won't.

Hi,
In one of Shakespeare's plays there is sentence: "Things past remedy should be past care"
If you make a mistake, put it right if it is possible, if not forget about it!
In my occupation there is a saying: "if you don't make a mistake, you don't make anything!"
In this world nothing is perfect. Move on and forget about the mistake or bottle it up and you end up a nervous wreck.

When we have done something wrong, and to me the only kind of "wrongs" that matter are the ones that have hurt another person in some way, we can't take it back but I think we can forgive ourselves. Just because we made a mistake does not mean we are a bad person if it was truly a mistake verses intentionally trying to harm another. Most of the mistakes I have made in my life were done against my true instincts--I was trying to please someone else, following a cultural norm, stupid office policies, that kind of thing. Constantly feeling bad about something you have done (unless you are still doing it) is a symptom of depression. We all make mistakes. Tell the person you are sorry once, twice, maybe three times then stop apologizing--just do nice things for them after that. Don't feel like if you made that mistake, you have ruined their whole life--we are not totally responsible for other people's happiness and success. That is up to each individual person. I totally believe in "free will" even when a person is harming themself (but they have no right to harm others). I know this advice is easier said then done but this type of thinking really has helped me overcome my depression. Good luck with all that you are going through. I know you are in pure agony sometimes.....

Instead of telling myself to give myself forgiveness I give myself the freedom to make a mistake.

I used to dwell on things for many years and regret even tiny instances where Ive hurt someone. One such case, a full 10 years later, I messaged a friend of mine and said, "Hey, I said something really hurtful to you 10 years ago and didn't realize it was as hurtful as it was at the time
I've regretted it all this time, just accept this apology regardless if you remember it or not" This friend took this apology really well, and since I did that, I don't regret trivial things as much anymore. At least not in an intense way. So for specifically forgiving yourself? Just remember that in most cases that the other party in whatever you regret likely forgives you so it's not necessary to spend time dwelling on it.

Making a mistake is not the end of world.. everybody does. So don't beat yourself about it - it can happen and it will happen often. It's just another part of life

I sincerely think you for all of your replies.

I think maybe this is a difficult thing to explain and to put into words (both the problem and the suggestions)....

It seems that whatever I try (I tell myself I'm only human...I have, a couple of times, reached out to who it was and apologized, also)....I just don't really believe me.

I have decided that a lot of my problems (like, MOST) stem from having a poor self-esteem. Maybe deep down I think I need some kind of punishment for the things I have done in the past in order to be a better person?

Rationally, I KNOW I'm only human and I make mistakes....but having that knowledge, even if I repeat it as a daily mantra, honestly doesn't lessen the guilt. And, truthfully, my "guilt" is simply a wrong word or deed done occasionally, or an ill thought about someone (and usually in way-past).

I wonder if we're born this way or if it's a case of a poor upbringing. I wonder if it was a huge mistake to be taught to have such a strong moral compass? Doesn't that lead to very black and white thinking?

Does the knowledge and acknowledgement of a thing really matter? If it does, how do you let it change how you feel? I'm so envious of people who can simply let it go...

You know you bring up a really good point. I mean it's really easy for an outsider looking in to say "just forgive yourself, and move on" like you said originally, but it's YOU that has to feel comfortable with it. I think you are right it does come from poor self-esteem or maybe the way we were brought up (our parent's making us feel bad when we were young).

But it's ultimately YOUR choice. And for me, the best healer is time, (another cliché saying) but it is so true. When you focus less on what you've done and on other things, the "big thing" that you made "bigger" that you can't forgive yourself for ultimately becomes "smaller" Does that make sense?

It's a hard thing to cope with, I know I struggle a lot with it too, but what I do is I refocus, change the subject, force myself to engage in things I like (music, writing, painting, or just going out and getting some air), and eventually forgiving myself becomes really easy to do. I hope I helped some and you understood some of my rantings, but I do sincerely hope you feel better and get the power you need within yourself to make the changes you want.

Well… i believe it can be possible over time and depending on the person and what they are forgiving themselves for…

This probably has to do with the need to feel bad about oneself, than forgiving yourself. As long as you want to find things to feel bad about yourself, then it is hard to forgive oneself. Therapy can help you understand the need to feel bad about yourself.

I have often done many things to try to prove myself worthy of the attention, acceptance and/or affection of others, and being condemning of myself in seeming agreement with others has at times been part of that.

The first thing I have had to learn here is that guilt is never an emotion. The emotion I feel when guilty of a wrong-doing might be remorse, shame or whatever else, but "a sense of guilt", so to speak, is a suspicion I might be guilty of something factual in need of resolution. So then, who am I to presume to "forgive myself" where I have harmed someone else? And while referring back to the above: Who am I to be condemning myself for a mistake I have made whether the harm affected someone else or only myself? Bottom line for me: Stop "playing God" and condemning myself in the first place, then learn from my mistakes while seeking forgiveness from others where I have harmed others.

The more gray our moral thinking becomes, the less we are able to truly deal with any of this. When each man or woman "plays God" in his or her own life, the accumulations of bumps swept under the social rug where we all walk ultimately begin tripping everyone.

I would hate to piss off God by attempting imitation

(and thank you for correcting my misuse of the word "guilt")

I had not meant to correct as much as to offer clarification, and the part about God, at least in my own case, is about no longer presuming to be the judge, jury and executioner I believe I was never intended to be. Once I stopped doing that, I no longer had to drive myself bug-nutty trying to feel forgiven by myself and then other things also began making sense.

Something I don't broadcast often on this site, is that I used to be a real piece. When I say that, I mean I routinely committed petty crime and a couple felonies. I will never go into what they were, nor will I discuss why I was doing it in the first place (at least not in the foreseeable future). Either way, people got hurt because of what I did, on several occasions. Something a friend told me, not long after I quit doing the things I was doing, was that I needed to find some way to forgive what I had done. Otherwise, all of the 'sorry's' I could give would mean nothing. I couldn't forgive who I was at that time. I wasn't worth forgiveness, not by a long shot. Well, it sent me on a journey to figure out how the hell I could ever forgive what I had done and who I had become. The fact is, I couldn't forgive that person and had no intention to do so. I came to the conclusion that in order to be worth forgiveness, I had to change the parts of me I deemed unworthy. That's exactly what I started doing and have been doing it since. Every day I work to make myself a better person, I forgive myself that much more. It's not something you can force, it's something that (for me) came with time and positive change.

Anyway, there's my elongated answer for you. I hope your own journey provides a bit of self-worth. Just know that, yes, it is possible; but it is also difficult and worth it in the end to put forth the effort.