[DechanDawa]

In the past month I have been putting all my efforts into climbing out of the deep hole of depression I had been in for 2 years. I even made a post yesterday that I would take suicidal ideation off the table.

Today I lost my new job without any warning. I burst out crying and told the HR person that I am going to be homeless.

I came home because I didn't have a shift anymore. I took a hot bath.

I can't go back to that depressed state. I can't go back to staying in bed and isolating.

The job was getting me out of the hole and now I feel like they kicked me back down.

I can't go back to depression and social isolation and suicidal ideation.

Of course I thought of getting a bottle of wine and drinking the whole thing tonight. But I won't buy alcohol or drink it. Will probably go to bed early and get up early. Maybe go to church in the morning.

I am going to keep my vow of not entertaining suicidal ideation. If I have to I will call crisis lines every night.

I vow to get out of bed every single morning and get dressed like I am going to work and continue a job search for a new job where I will be appreciated.

I will probably take a break from Psych Central.

[unaluna]

Have you checked the ads at your university? They may give preference to one of their own. There may be temp work available there also. Thats what i did when i was looking.

Oh Dechan, I'm so sorry.

I see you trying really hard. I see you with healthy intentions and goals. I believe in you.

Was wondering why you said you might take a break from PC? I may have missed something.

[Skeezyks]

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Oh Dechan, I'm so sorry.

I see you trying really hard. I see you with healthy intentions and goals. I believe in you.

Was wondering why you said you might take a break from PC? I may have missed something.

I just don't want to burden the good people on Psych Central...

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Have you checked the ads at your university? They may give preference to one of their own. There may be temp work available there also. Thats what i did when i was looking.

I have worked there before and maybe will try again. I also got another lead sort of related to that I will follow up on this week. Thanks. Good suggestions.

You are never a burden Dechan - never!

That is your depression talking, depression tells us lies.

Post as often as you need to - that is why we are here.

[JustJace2u]

I wish I had some words of wisdom. It is hard to go through such times but just try to think positive that something better will come along. Sending lots of love and hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

I hope you'll stay here, lots of people care about you here And I hope you'll find a new job as well. I hope you won't take it the wrong way, but I don't think that your happiness should depend on the job you do -although it's very important to like what you're doing, you should also find other things fyou are grateful for in your life. Perhaps a new hobby?

But anyway, I wish you good luck. Sending you positive thoughts

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I hope you'll stay here, lots of people care about you here And I hope you'll find a new job as well. I hope you won't take it the wrong way, but I don't think that your happiness should depend on the job you do -although it's very important to like what you're doing, you should also find other things fyou are grateful for in your life. Perhaps a new hobby?

But anyway, I wish you good luck. Sending you positive thoughts

Thank you. I have been training for a half marathon.

I don't see the job as a source of happiness but rather as a source of income so that I can survive. For reasons I can't go into it is difficult for me to find a job and so losing one is very difficult. I am in a dangerous place financially.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

You are never a burden Dechan - never!

That is your depression talking, depression tells us lies.

Post as often as you need to - that is why we are here.

I'm with Prefabsprout. You aren't a burden and post as often as you need.

[DechanDawa]

I called the administrator who hired me. She knew nothing about my being terminated and told me to come in and talk to the manager tomorrow. She said she would hold onto my termination papers. At the very least I don't think they should fire me four days after I was injured having never arranged for me to see a medical professional. As well, they had me work overtime twice last week and why would they do that if I was such a bad employee?

Good for you! That's awesome. I don't know the story at all of why you were fired and what happened, but it sounds like you have some concerns and confusion about it so good for you for speaking with the admin!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Good for you! That's awesome. I don't know the story at all of why you were fired and what happened, but it sounds like you have some concerns and confusion about it so good for you for speaking with the admin!

Yeah, well I don't know at all why I was terminated either. I got to thinking about it this morning. I felt the interview I had was unfair. Maybe nothing will come of it but it maybe would be empowering if I don't just slink away all confused? I am really also trying to do what is best for my mental health. So much of being depressed involves not being heard.

That is an interesting response from the administrator - I have everything crossed for you.

I agree, it would indeed be odd to ask someone to work overtime if their performance was not up to scratch.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

That is an interesting response from the administrator - I have everything crossed for you.

I agree, it would indeed be odd to ask someone to work overtime if their performance was not up to scratch.

The assistant facility manager called me. She said they didn't offer me another department because none were available. Then she seemed to correct herself because she said it didn't matter because I didn't pass probation. I said I felt the performance evaluation was unfair and based on untruths and I want to contest it. No one can stop me from going to higher administration. She also called to tell me that they had preferred health providers for my injury. I said, "Why are you telling me this now when you have terminated me?" I assume she doesn't want them to be sued because they terminated me while I had an untreated injury.

Also, some corporate people came in and filmed us working last week in the department. No one asked our permission. Later another employee told me the company was filming and gathering evidence because a former employee was sueing the department. But they wouldn't tell me anymore than that.

[DechanDawa]

There is a point to this thread. The point is I am trying to move forward -- out of and away from suicidal ideation.

I will probably spend a few days wrapping up this job experience. I doubt if they will rehire me but I also don't think they should get away with unfair business practices and it is obvious they are pretty sloppy. There is a sense that the managers are just trying to cover their butts. The work world may have changed since I started out. I don't remember so much duplicity and manipulation. It causes paranoia which is certainly not good for my mental health.

I am putting my mental health first. That is the point of this thread.

So many people are struggling to get out of stay out of the deep dark pit of depression, despair, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.

I can't go back to that. I would rather die out in the jungle fighting wild creatures than curled up in a ball in the back of the cave just waiting for death.

[eyesclosed]

Great attitude you are very strong willed and You shouldn't leave all of us hanging like this you have great advise for others too. If you really need help financially I would be willing to give you a gift. I know you won't accept it ask I dare you.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

Great attitude you are very strong willed and You shouldn't leave all of us hanging like this you have great advise for others too. If you really need help financially I would be willing to give you a gift. I know you won't accept it ask I dare you.

Haha. Like you have money to throw at old damsels in distress.

I went to my place of business this evening to say goodbye and congrats to a coworker who got permanently hired. I also talked to an assistant manager who was "surprised" I got fired. I started crying as I have been crying for two days. He hugged me and called me a gentle lady.

But when I left the place I thought , "Snakes." Because I don't believe the assistant manager was truly surprised I got fired. I feel like all the managers agreed to let me go. And as I told the assistant manager it is foul play to not at least give an employee fair warning they are falling under the ax. It's sneaky to smile upfront while you know someone is drowning. Snakes.

Eyesclosed, I think your post on another thread was right. I think this place did have "moles" and as well people ratted on one another left and right.

I am going to try to find a a new job at a smaller place of business. Meanwhile I am going to try to get this old place of business to pay for a doctor's visit to get my smashed finger looked at.

Now about the only thing I have going for me is training for a half marathon.

I will also start looking for another job tomorrow.

If I become homeless so be it. In fact I feel like panhandling right now in front of the place that fired me. I even thought of a sign. It would say, "Remember me? I was the person who gave you great service at ----------- but now they fired me. While I look for a new job donations accepted." Haha. I imagine standing out there. A lot of people recognize me because I wear a unique hat which people like. So I imagine being out there in my hat with my sign. I am sure it would cause a commotion until they chased me away.

Mainly I DO NOT WANT TO climb back in bed as I was there for 18 months. My muscles are now energized and on fire and I want them to stay that way.

Thanks, eyesclosed, you are sweet.

I have been pretty self-absorbed the past couple of weeks, so I didn't know what happened...

Sounds like something fishy to me, but you know that yourself...

What I want to say is that I remember how you struggled with this job in the beginning, but you toughed it out and put one foot in front of the other so you could get over that anxiety...

I remember being really proud of you then. It's a huge thing to be able to do, especially when you're dealing with depression. I'm not sure I could have done it and I'm sure there are loads of people who feel the same.
The important thing is that you now know that you are able to get through the phone calls, the interview, the hiring process and the training of a new job.

I know it sucks right now, but you have proven to yourself that you are capable.

Hugs...

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I have been pretty self-absorbed the past couple of weeks, so I didn't know what happened...

Sounds like something fishy to me, but you know that yourself...

What I want to say is that I remember how you struggled with this job in the beginning, but you toughed it out and put one foot in front of the other so you could get over that anxiety...

I remember being really proud of you then. It's a huge thing to be able to do, especially when you're dealing with depression. I'm not sure I could have done it and I'm sure there are loads of people who feel the same.
The important thing is that you now know that you are able to get through the phone calls, the interview, the hiring process and the training of a new job.

I know it sucks right now, but you have proven to yourself that you are capable.

Hugs...

Thanks you for this uplifting message. I have been following your threads and hope you find yourself in a better place, too. In the meantime it is good we can come here to Psych Central and get support.

[DechanDawa]

I have been isolated at home for three days doing much of nothing. I consciously took sucidal ideation off the table so am preventing my thoughts from going in that direction. But I am depressed about having to go out there and apply for a new job. I really don't know how I did it with this job as I was suicidally depressed when I applied and started training. Of course I didn't talk about my personal struggle at work. I made sure I was always on time and dressed correctly because I know these are signs of not being well. I struggled so hard it was like getting out of bed to go climb a mountain. Now it seems like it was for nothing. I am giving myself one more day of grieving and moping but I will set up a personal schedule to start tomorrow. Without some kind of structure I am doomed.

Structure is good Dechan, I'm proud of you.

You did so well in getting this job and you can do it again. This will pass.

What about if we hold you to that? I don't know if you have been over to the 'goals' section, but I'll be checking for progress from you over there.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

What about if we hold you to that? I don't know if you have been over to the 'goals' section, but I'll be checking for progress from you over there.

What do you mean? The goal to not go back to suicidal ideation? Or the goal to put structure into my life?

Right now I am feeling really depressed and like what's the use? But I am trying to not let these feelings escalate.

I think I put something in the goals section a few days ago but I forget exactly what. I will have to visit there myself...