Guilt

*** Venting ***

Today the feel of guilt is overwhelming. I slept in the afternoon, and when I woke up, some thoughts attacked me from no where and without a warning. Now I feel guilty about being far away from my parents. I especially feel guilty of all the times I fought with my father and made him sad/mad. I feel guilty because no one of my brothers live in the same town or close to them. They are alone. I'm not happy or successful where I am to argue that I'm having at least a better life. From the outside, life is easier. I had (can have) a job. It's easier to have access to health care. It's easier to have access to public transportation and go around the city. It's easier to deal with officials. It's safe ... etc. I guess many would envy me to be in my place, but despite all of that I'm not happy and being in a foreign country is very difficult especially I'm not sociable. I feel so isolated and as a stranger. I'm very conscious of myself when I walk around, and especially when I talk because I have an accent and struggle to communicate sometimes. I cannot help but feel that way. I don't know if blaming them is right or not because they were controlling and critical, and I think they instilled in me the fear of not talking and doing things and encourage us to be outgoing, but I know they did their best for us. To have the things they haven't. My father was raised poor. Maybe that's why he was/is so motivated not to go back where he was once, although in the process he did some damage. But sometimes I wonder if that damage could've been avoided or it was inevitable.

Hello Mr. Stranger: Personally, I think we're all... well... at least most of us... are left with questions about things that occurred during our upbringing. I know I certainly have a list... quite a long list. My parents are long since gone now though & I was an only child. So I'll never get any answers.

I left my parents behind many years ago. I didn't plan it that way. But I didn't do anything to try to change the situation either. In many ways I wasn't unhappy things worked out that way. I feel a certain amount of guilt over it. And even more over other stuff that occurred. The feelings associated with all of that guilt wash over me daily... sometimes hourly. I simply strive to accept things as they are.

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön has written: "criticism without compassion can be just mean." So perhaps what is important is to strive to acknowledge that some of what your parents (& my parents) did was wrong, perhaps hurtful... but to look upon it with compassion understanding that they, like we, are human & we all make mistakes... even in the midst of doing what we think is the right thing at the time.

Yes, right, they are humans and make mistakes. Sometimes I can think this way, others I just cannot. It hurts when the people who suppose to be supportive and loving not doing so in a way we understand. I guess the point I was trying to make is that I'm not happy where I am (partially because of my upbringing; of being unsociable) but I have an easier life. I want to go home and be close to my parents after being out of home for 18 years and I feel guilty about it, but at the same time I'm afraid I won't be happy there because I think they are still difficult to deal with. Then I won't be happy and will have a more difficult and chaotic life. I love them and understand everything they did for me, but they have never made my inner life easy. If I knew I would be happy home, I would go tomorrow without any hesitation. Money, jobs, health care, and freedom can make life easier for sure, but they cannot buy happiness. I would choose happiness and peace of mind over anything else, but I'm not sure if I will ever have these!! Thanks Mr. Skeezyks.

From what you write it sounds like moving back near your parents might not be a good idea, that it may trigger more reactions from you. I think that's okay, you may feel happier if you support them from a distance. Work out what feels comfortable communication, phone calls, letters, emails - and stick with that.

I'm sorry you feel this way If you ask me, though, I think you did the right thing by moving away from your parents.. but I understand it's tough Wish you good luck for your life

Actually, they don't need my support. I'm just not sure if I'm making the right decision. Sometimes I put myself in their shoes and think, if I brought a child on this Earth and raised him/her, then maybe I would expect him or her to be at least close to see him/her, and to help me when I get older. I'm not sure how parents exactly feel about their children, but I think they think differently than us, the children. They think of us all the time, while we think of ... us and our future. It's a one way. The feelings aren't mutual naturally. It's they way it is. I call them every other day, and have a Skype with them once a week. But still sometimes I feel guilty. I saw them briefly just twice in the last 7 years. I think I have a better chance where I am now once I break my social isolation, so, I'm afraid of making a decision to go back home for the wrong reasons: to be close to my parents, and because I'm not currently happy where I am. Thanks for your response

Every other day calls and once a week Skype sounds like fairly close contact to me (given the geography involved).

I think how parents think about their grown children varies from person to person, and maybe culture also plays into that. My own son is a young adult and we want to see him on his own feet most of all, I guess I do hope he will keep part of our lives but I don't expect it.