If you read my threads probably you will think I'm 12 years old, while in fact I'm about thrice as old. But still from the inside I'm a child who is immature and not molded (I can say it plainly here). I haven't grown up because I didn't have to. I didn't have to deal with people and life's challenges where people's personalities grow and form. This is how I was raised out of my parents' fear on us. They were ultra-protecting.

I didn't sleep last night and spent the whole night literally sobbing. I was reminded how I cannot fight my fights in this life. I don't have the strength to do so. I avoid people because I cannot connect with them properly, and they either view me as arrogant who must be crushed or as naive who must be ignored.

I feel sick in my stomach when I have to talk with people, because I feel I will be crushed and treated like trash. I have never been respected or treated like someone because I can talk and gain the respect of others. No one has ever called me to suggest to go out. All the time I initiate, and all I get rejection which makes me feel humiliated.

Some may say you don't need people, which isn't completely practical in this world. You cannot do anything without communicating with people. You cannot start a family, you cannot find a job, ... etc. I don't care about starting a family or find a job as much as gaining the respect of others or being able to talk and prove that I'm someone who is worth listening to or connecting with.

This is my 3rd thread in less than 24 hours, because I'm extremely upset and I don't know to do otherwise.

Thanks for reading

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your feelings. I'm so sorry.. Keep posting here as much as you want. We'll always be here.

[Hobbit House]

I agree... we are here to listen. I hope things get better for you.

[TishaBuv]

You don't sound immature to me and I feel a connection to you.

I felt insecure last night, was up for a while in the middle of the night and went on here, and slept with my BABY BLANKET, which I do once in a rare while now that I am in my 50's! Lol, who am I to say?

[gayleggg]

I agree, you don't sound immature at all. I think you don't give yourself enough credit. I know anxiety makes it hard to relate to others. I hope you can reach out more and not feel so bad.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think you sound "immature" either .. Please keep posting

[hopeless2015]

I don't think any of your post sound immature at all. Keep posting away, it helps to get these things off your chest! I'm sending big hugs your way!!

Thanks all for the your posts. In here I feel I'm the only one who keeps writing negative stuff as I do. I mean others are in pain, but rarely I see someone complaining that he/she is weak, crying, sobbing, want to die, saying life is suffering, and bringing children is a mistake, ... etc. Besides, I meant my post primarily in real life. Anything can throw me into despair. If someone doesn't answer my message within few hours I delete them from my contact list, if someone ignored me in any way I don't talk to them forever, .... etc. Also, people expect me at my age and my background to be proactive and initiate things, but I don't. I don't like to talk and participate.

My younger brother is very energetic and keep talking and smiling with people, and everyone likes him. It's not the same with me. No one even visits me. Last year I went home after being abroad for 3 consecutive years, and no one came and visited me, not even my extended family. As a reaction, now I don't want ever to see them or talk to them again, and see them as a bunch of devils. Actually, part of the reason I don't want to go home now is because of them. I have no place even between my own family who is supposed to support and embrace me no matter what. Of course, you would expect me to handle the situation more wisely. I cannot. I feel resentment and anger and frustration from people and from myself in putting myself in such situations. They want me to visit them and inflate their egos only. I don't do these things. Am I arrogant? I don't know. Maybe. But it hurts when I make myself small to connect with others, especially if all you experience is ignoring. The same goes with everyone else. Always my ego and pride are crushed when I try to reach out and connect with people. There is no respect whatsoever.

Recently I was talking with a professor in a conference about a potential job, and because I cannot connect properly and make small talks to gradually open the topic, I felt I was begging him for a job, although I didn't mention it at all because he ignored me before I was able to do so. I went home and cried (I'm a male in his mid 30s and cry because of talking to people) and didn't go out of my apartment for a week. Does this sound mature? It doesn't to me. I want to change it, because being ignored and not respected is the worst in the world, but also I cannot change it. I keep myself in the loop.

I don't think you give yourself enough credit Mr. Stranger (thats my attempt at cheering you up, lol, I understand if it didn't work, but I think it's true. Go easy on yourself, too) You are a valuable person in this community. I'm sorry that these are things you have experienced. Being upset is very valid and very ok. I think different people experience ****** experiences differently. It brings me solace to know that at least I'm not the only one, you know? I'm very sorry you are hurting. I know you've recognized before that you are experiencing depression. When things happen with people on the outside as well, such as family or teachers...it's doubly hard. All any of us wants is to feel loved and worthy. Any who, you're always appreciated here. I saw this article a few days ago and thought of you. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe it won't. But I'll just put it here: https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/0...oy-confession/

(((Mr Stranger))) I agree with everyone who has posted - you always come across very well in your writings, not at all immature and it takes great bravery to admit vulnerabilities.

You post as often as you need to - this is the purpose of PC.

[*Laurie*]

Hi! Whenever I've read your posts I've thought, "Wow. That guy sounds really wise, with a lot of life experience." That is truly what I've thought. I was surprised to see this post...you are so hard on yourself, I think.

Originally Posted by starrysky

I don't think you give yourself enough credit Mr. Stranger (thats my attempt at cheering you up, lol, I understand if it didn't work, but I think it's true. Go easy on yourself, too) You are a valuable person in this community. I'm sorry that these are things you have experienced. Being upset is very valid and very ok. I think different people experience ****** experiences differently. It brings me solace to know that at least I'm not the only one, you know? I'm very sorry you are hurting. I know you've recognized before that you are experiencing depression. When things happen with people on the outside as well, such as family or teachers...it's doubly hard. All any of us wants is to feel loved and worthy. Any who, you're always appreciated here. I saw this article a few days ago and thought of you. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe it won't. But I'll just put it here: https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/0...oy-confession/

Hi starrysky! Thanks for your post and for the link. I skimmed through the article, and although I didn't read it carefully because I cannot focus very well and English is not my first language, and although I heard that Leo Tolstoy is a great writer, I think he formulated the truth accurately at first, but then he denied it for the sake of keep living.

Also, it seems that he wasn't aware of the "Origin of Species", Charles Darwin's book on natural selection, the mechanism of which evolution and diversification of life have taken place, because he claimed that he didn't find the answer in science. According to natural selection, any trait that enhances the surviving rate is selected and passed down. Obviously, a tendency to kill oneself is bound for eliminating the human race and realizing its own extinction, while clinging on life and fear of death makes it survive. Life is just an animal instinct. But he was right when he said we exist because we exist, but with the wrong explanation in my opinion. We exist because we exist, because we cling on life and fear death, and this is something genetic and instinctive.

Of course, as humans who have brains that were designed precisely to find a cause for each effect (a moving tree means a tiger), religion was invented to give the life a meaning. Undoubtedly, and here I concur with Tolstoy, religious people live more happily than nonreligious people, and this has been proven statistically, but the reality is that they are delusional the most (no offense. Most people are delusional, even nonreligious ones). Ironically, to live in this life you don't have to be rational, this is because rationality is a by-product of something else. Our brains weren't evolved to do philosophy and math and to contemplate on life itself. The brain is merely a surviving-enhancing organism.

Just wanted to point out this, and reading the article, I think Rose was right. I do have existential crisis/depression according to the article. But the instinct of life in me is still strong, and I'm sure I will be "intoxicated with life" (very descriptive) as the majority are at some point, when my current situation changes.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

(((Mr Stranger))) I agree with everyone who has posted - you always come across very well in your writings, not at all immature and it takes great bravery to admit vulnerabilities.

You post as often as you need to - this is the purpose of PC.

Thanks for the continuous support. I appreciate it. PC is a good place by having people like you.

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Hi! Whenever I've read your posts I've thought, "Wow. That guy sounds really wise, with a lot of life experience." That is truly what I've thought. I was surprised to see this post...you are so hard on yourself, I think.

I didn't know that I can mask my truth like this!! But really, I'm different in person. I'm sure you will do as many did if you meet me in person: you will be impressed at first, and quickly will run away. Thanks for your post, though