***Venting***
***Trigger Warning***

I think most people don't understand how and what I feel about others and life in general. I simply cannot connect with people. I see all social interactions as pointless and there is no inner motivation for me to engage in them. I don't want to talk to any one, and I don't want anyone to talk to me. None. But I feel I have to fake interest to get what I want in this life which is hypocrisy. I don't like the idea of manipulating people, although it seems fine with others. I feel raging anger toward people. I actually feel some sort of hatred toward them and view them as hypocrites and self-centered. I just don't want anything to do with any of them. I feel so overwhelmed with any interaction, and I have no patience. Today I'm angry very much and I have had a bad headache since early morning and no medication is working because I keep having these self-talks which keeps me in the loop of being angry. I feel like I'm trapped in my body (and in life), because I cannot avoid people while in this body, although I want to. I don't have the freedom to do so if I want to live, which obviously I do want. I feel I have no other option, which makes me raging in anger and going insane. Being a hermit seems the only genuine way of life for me, which is to be dead in life. To be away from people as far as possible. I wish I didn't exist over this horrible existence.

[Gojamadar]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

***Venting***
***Trigger Warning***

I think most people don't understand how and what I feel about others and life in general. I simply cannot connect with people. I see all social interactions as pointless and there is no inner motivation for me to engage in them. I don't want to talk to any one, and I don't want anyone to talk to me. None. But I feel I have to fake interest to get what I want in this life which is hypocrisy. I don't like the idea of manipulating people, although it seems fine with others. I feel raging anger toward people. I actually feel some sort of hatred toward them and view them as hypocrites and self-centered. I just don't want anything to do with any of them. I feel so overwhelmed with any interaction, and I have no patience. Today I'm angry very much and I have had a bad headache since early morning and no medication is working because I keep having these self-talks which keeps me in the loop of being angry. I feel like I'm trapped in my body (and in life), because I cannot avoid people while in this body, although I want to. I don't have the freedom to do so if I want to live, which obviously I do want. I feel I have no other option, which makes me raging in anger and going insane. Being a hermit seems the only genuine way of life for me, which is to be dead in life. To be away from people as far as possible. I wish I didn't exist over this horrible existence.

Hi,
Have you ever considerd how you could help someone less fortunate than yourself?
Look at the crowded streets of any city in England. You'll see people left behing Gods back!

Originally Posted by Gojamadar

Hi,
Have you ever considerd how you could help someone less fortunate than yourself?
Look at the crowded streets of any city in England. You'll see people left behing Gods back!

Hi!

I hope you are doing well today.

You have a valid point. I am, as most of us here are, luckier than some people out there. But what is this supposeed to mean to us? To stop wanting to be happy? To stop feeling pain? To stop writing? To stop venting? If that is the case, then your 2 lines should be enough to solve everyone's issues here, because why on Earth someone who is healthy, have a job, have food and water feels depressed and stay on the couch or bed all day long? No one can understand this unless he/she knows what it means to be depressed. I was very angry most of the day, and I didn't have anybody around me to talk to, so I posted here to vent. I didn't expect anyone to respond, but if anyone did I expected it to be supportive, at least understating. At the end of the day, this is a mental health board, and people come here to post about their issues.

I'm of no use even in these volunteering groups. Probably I would do more harm than good. I'm just no good around people. I cannot communicate with them. Luckily there are many sociable but genuine volunteers out there. I said genuine because unfortunately, even volunteering has become a fashion in our societies, especially in the west. Something to add on your resumé. Something to brag about between people.

I do try to help others in my own ways, not necessary in an organized way, and I feel their misfortune, but does this have to invalidate me and how I feel? We all struggle in our own ways in this life. In every step we make we struggle. The struggle is eternal. Life is a chain of struggles. It's a struggle to get food, to get a job, to have friends, to find a match, to be healthy, ... etc, and once you attained something you missed before, you will face a struggle in other areas.

[TiredPilgrim]

I wish I had an easy answer for you. Anger can be difficult to manage; if you let it out, it hurts others, and if you keep it in, it hurts you.

I can sort of understand a disconnect with people, though. I've spent most of my life feeling like an alien wearing a human suit and trying to understand the humans around him. I have a hard time feeling connected to my own body, much less the people around me.

And I know people mean well by the practice of 'politeness', but to me politeness is just lies and manipulation. The only real respect to me is honesty and action.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on. I hope you find a way to get a handle on this.

Originally Posted by TiredPilgrim

...I have a hard time feeling connected to my own body, much less the people around me.
...

Yesterday, while I was brushing my teeth, I felt my body and hand were moving, but it wan't me. I felt as if I left my body, or as if the time has been suspended for my mind. I was very angry, and I think I dissociate or whatever the term is (depersonilization, derealization ...) when I feel that way. I experience similar experience when I get very anxious or very depressed.

Yes life is a chain of struggles, my experience anyway.

I read your thread and saw 'Vent' so did not respond initially, but I came back to check how you were today.

I don't know too much about the sensation you describe but I have read that some find it helpful to have something tactile to ground them when this happens. Some recommended things include a sharp flavour, chewing a piece of ginger or chilli, or rubbing a piece of fabric that is soothing to you, taking in the sensations of the texture.

I don't mean to patronise you, but I myself find touching fabric can be soothing and calming.

PS - Regarding volunteering, I understand you may not be in a position to consider this right now, and I personally believe it's advisable to be in a state of reasonable wellness before beginning to volunteer. I don't want to force something upon you that you are not ready for, however I did want to add something here. I will put it below in trigger warning in case you do not care to read it right now:

Possible trigger:

Volunteering need not be people oriented or sociable. There are many different opportunities out there for different people with different skills. It is not always about helping those less fortunate. I don't know where you are based but in the UK at least there are opportunities to do many different types of work. You write you like the outdoors, The National Trust has gardening and maintenance opportunities, not a whole load of people contact.

If you don't read it today then maybe another day you may want to. It's just a few ideas to float about. Take care.

Thank you. I feel better today

Although I write "venting", I appreciate any response like yours that is not judgmental and written carefully. However, if I don't take any suggestion, it must not be taken personally. I don't feel like doing anything these days to be honest. I tried in the past, but now I just cannot. I feel pain and bad sensation in my stomach and in my knees whenever I think of doing something. I think it's primarily because of fear of failing (again). Anxiety makes me think the worst. Which is silly to an outsider, because being isolated is not a success. That's why I feel stuck. I think in my case, accidental change might be the answer if that makes any sense.

For the dissociation, I experience it for a brief time (for seconds). I bought some beers yesterday to make me relax (I didn't drink for almost 18 months before that). I was very intense the whole day and I had to find something to ease my feelings. In the summer I would usually take the bike and go out and bike vigorously and sometimes in a risky manner like speeding on a steep downhill to let this negative energy out. But in the winter I don't go out often, especially now it's snowing and freezing all over again after I thought it's almost over

For volunteering, I guess you are right. If I stayed where I am until the summer, I might try again to reach out, and try things differently.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this way I completely understand your fear of failing, as well as your sense of isolation.. those are terrible

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

Thank you. I feel better today

Although I write "venting", I appreciate any response like yours that is not judgmental and written carefully. However, if I don't take any suggestion, it must not be taken personally. I don't feel like doing anything these days to be honest. I tried in the past, but now I just cannot. I feel pain and bad sensation in my stomach and in my knees whenever I think of doing something. I think it's primarily because of fear of failing (again). Anxiety makes me think the worst. Which is silly to an outsider, because being isolated is not a success. That's why I feel stuck. I think in my case, accidental change might be the answer if that makes any sense.

For the dissociation, I experience it for a brief time (for seconds). I bought some beers yesterday to make me relax (I didn't drink for almost 18 months before that). I was very intense the whole day and I had to find something to ease my feelings. In the summer I would usually take the bike and go out and bike vigorously and sometimes in a risky manner like speeding on a steep downhill to let this negative energy out. But in the winter I don't go out often, especially now it's snowing and freezing all over again after I thought it's almost over

For volunteering, I guess you are right. If I stayed where I am until the summer, I might try again to reach out, and try things differently.

I think it's wonderful you go biking, it sounds fun and exciting. I actually just got a new bike (have not biked since I was a kid) and went out today on it, I was very unsure and wobbly - it might have made you smile if you saw me. I must have had 'new learner rider' written all over me!

I didn't care though, the important thing is I'm trying something new and what I have learned it that new experiences help me grow in confidence, worth the discomfort/awkwardness to begin with.

Free-wheeling downhill is awesome!

Good for you. Yes, biking is fun. It's the only thing I enjoy actually. I wasn't confident when I first bought the bike (I also didn't bike since childhood), but I got used to it quickly. Going fast a downhill is liberating. I feel like flying with the wind against my face. But I'm always afraid to lose the breaks, which hasn't happened luckily. Enjoy it and good luck!!