There - I said it. I am jealous of a good friend of mine.

For a long time in adulthood I didn't experience jealousy, I have been content with my lot and although my life has had ups and downs I didn't really covet what others had. When I heard others express jealous thoughts it was quite bewildering to me.

Except recently I have had this creeping feeling, and it may or may not be coincidental that this is about someone I had felt was one of my closest friends. In fact my husband was actually not too happy about this friendship because this friend is a man - although I don't feel romantically attracted to this friend. I am wondering if the conflict with my husband is playing into my response here - and I'm wondering if my own jealousy of my friend is an unconscious attempt by me to sabotage the friendship. As usual I'm thinking a lot, possibly overthinking.

So, my friend over the last few years has had a few very nice holidays away - and although he is in his mid years and independent his father has bank rolled these trips. I'm not sure if my friend would have been able to go or not if his dad hadn't have funded him but his dad is very well off (much more so than my parents who could never afford to do this for us even if they wished). At first I thought not too much about it but last time he mentioned another foreign trip I was aware my gut reaction (not that I let it show) was "Oh daddy's paying again, nice for some". I was aware of my reaction but I supressed it, it isn't a nice reaction I know that. I should be pleased for my friend.

The other thing I had a not-so-nice response to was that recently my friend began volunteering for the same organisation I do (for last 5 years), because it was a new scheme and he was one of he few male volunteers they did a lot of publicity and they seem to have it on a repeat loop. At first I did feel pleased for him but he popped up in my facebook feed yesterday and I did think "Here we go again, like there's only one volunteer worth writing about". Again, I know it's not nice but it's tied in with my jealous reaction which is basically not nice at all and very ungracious.

Here's the bottom line - he is a nice guy, he has never been unkind or anything less than a good friend to me. I just wish I could stop this gut reaction I've been having towards him, I usually feel happy for my friends good fortune and I used to feel that way for him too.

I do wonder if my subconscious is trying to derail my friendship with this man. It's almost like I'm looking for the bad in him (getting hand outs from his dad) when there isn't really any there.

Any thoughts on jealousy and how to unpick and address it within oneself?

[Trippin2.0]

The only time I was ever really jealous of a friend was when I was unhappy about my own life and circumstances.

I didn't understand or even realize it at first, but when I untangled it, I realized I was sick to death of counting my blessings big and small. No wait, small and small, while people like her just get to have it all.

I was resentful of all the loss and pain I had already endured, while her life was seemingly one party or holiday after another...

Anyway, I got over it, realized some of us just get dealt a shytti hand and I'm back to being happy for her again.

Of course, everyone can relate to being jealous of something. There are definitely things I have to guard against being jealous of--they primarily involve financial things for me.

The answer for me has been gratitude and prayer. And the fact that God loves and forgives us all equally. Plus, I try to remember that so much about our circumstances is a result of fate, not fairness. I mean, unfortunately, you didn't inherit a big trust fund from your family but fortunately (hopefully) you are not a victim of a crime or natural disaster. Sometimes anxiety is about fretting over the things we cannot control. I crashed and burned so badly in 2015 that it became apparent that I need to accept the way things are in regards to people in my life and the things I have. Sometimes I even envision that maybe there was a grand purpose to all my shortcomings and missed opportunities. Sometimes it's hard to accept what we cannot change but it is the only way to get a good night's sleep.

Hi! I think all your reactions are normal. I think people who experience things that others don't must be sensitive and considerate towards others when mentioning those things. That's why I don't like Facebook especially on holidays and social occasions. People like to brag about themselves, unfortunately.

About the volunteering, maybe it's just a short phase because he is new there, but the organizers must also be sensitive about these things. There is no warrant to recognize a male volunteer more than a female volunteer, unless maybe he contributes financially to the organization and they have to recognize him for that.

Money and trips don't buy happiness. They are nice, but not necessary, in my opinion (you may or may not agree). Your friend probably is not as happy as he appears. We always show the good side of ourselves even to friends. There is always a dark side that we hide, because no one wants to know about it.

It's not always your fault what you feel. Others take some responsibility.

I've been very jealous of my closest friends at times. Of them being prettier, having funnier personalities, being more liked, of them being able to realise dreams I had myself but had to give up due to illness..

I don't know where I got the idea that being jealous is wrong, but for a long time, I felt really ashamed of my own jealousy. I also reacted nastily to it sometimes, by trying to ruin my friends' happiness. Luckily, I have a great therapist who I feel 'normalised' jealousy for me - she said that me trying to piss on my friends' parade is like a small child seeing another child get a new toy, feeling jealous, and then going and breaking the toy when no one's looking. What the child needs in a situation like that is for an adult to recognise their jealousy, explain that it's OK to want something someone else has, but that maybe it's not possible to get it because the child's parents can't afford it or something, which obviously sucks but that's life - and that ruining good things for others isn't right or acceptable, but maybe the solution is to ask the other kid if they could play together, or if the child could borrow the toy some time.

Nowadays, I feel that jealousy is normal. It's not good or bad, right or wrong - it just is. And just like with any emotion, what matters is how you respond to it. What I've found most beneficial is to try and use my jealousy as inspiration to do better, to work harder on what I want in my own life - and sometimes, I realise I don't even really want what I'm jealous of. I might just be unhappy in general, and need to examine what it is exactly that's making me feel that way. Sometimes, it's got nothing to do with what I'm feeling jealous of, and I just think getting what someone else has would solve my problems.

I know I'd be very jealous of someone who got their holidays and travels paid for by someone else! But I don't think feeling jealous necessarily rules out feeling happy for the other person, too. I know I feel both towards my friends these days. I also realise life isn't fair, and I may have to work harder than others to achieve certain things. That's just how it is.

Thanks Trippin, yes the 'small and smaller versus endless holiday/party' is close to how I feel. I guess it's acceptance but for some reason it feels harder than it used to.

Hopingtrying I am so glad your faith gives you strength in this way. I haven't the same faith myself, it's something I thought I did have for a while but not now.

Mr. Stranger - my friend did not brag via facebook, but I follow the page of the charity we both volunteer for so the articles pop up there. They don't have many male volunteers and would like to have more - some years ago I went to a meeting where they were quite open that most volunteers are older women and they want to attract younger and male volunteers, hence the using of his photo. It's not his fault at all. I do think the organization takes for granted it's main core of older female volunteers but they are always after 'the next new thing' and very image conscious.

He just sent me and some other friends the picture of the most amazing beach with white sand along with a note about swimming there. I have not been to a warm place where you can swim like that for over 10 years and I'm not likely to anytime soon either. I got the jealous reaction again. You are right about that dark side Mr.S, this is mine.

Not.dead.yet thank you for that - you hit upon a few things that really resonate with me,

I don't know why I am separating the being happy for him with being jealous of him. When I think about it deeply I realise I am glad he has his holidays. Him not having them wouldn't mean I'd have them after all. Maybe I just don't like seeing what I can't have over and over (first holiday he had paid for didn't bother me in this way).

I don't know if I'm as happy as I once was. Material things didn't bother me at all not so long ago. Why does it bother me more now?

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

....You are right about that dark side Mr.S, this is mine.

If this is your dark side, then you are in the group of good people. Believe me

I've never found any way of combatting the similar feelings I go through. I just began to allow things to slide away. Still, I often see what new thrilling adventure she is up to. Things can just be so very unfair.

[Unrigged64072835]

I have a friend who is popular, her daughter is popular, and her husband makes a ton of money. I get jealous of her at times. But I do like my life, and we're completely different. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for all the money in the world.

Originally Posted by Fharraige

I have a friend who is popular, her daughter is popular, and her husband makes a ton of money. I get jealous of her at times. But I do like my life, and we're completely different. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for all the money in the world.

Yeah I guess it's the same for me. I'm picking and choosing the bits I am jealous of, I wouldn't swap my life for his on the whole.

Maybe this whole adults being given things by parents is a sore spot with me. My parents are caring people and I'm sure if we were in financial straits they'd help where they could but in adulthood we have to cut our cloth to our own means. I totally get that every family is different however.