I'm not sociable (I think it stems from the fact, besides other factors, that I was yelled at, criticized, and even beaten up when I was a small kid. I was convinced that I wasn't good to talk or do anything), so I failed to socialize successfully and thus have isolated myself eventually. I also suffer from concentration and anxiety issues, so, I cannot read and focus on something else and I lose interest very quickly. Not being sociable or successful or interested in anything at all diminishes my self-esteem and makes me feel depressed and worthless. With low self-esteem and depression I have no intention or energy really to socialize or try anything else, which puts me in an endless vicious cycle. I need to break this cycle. It's a self-discovery journey, I guess. It's been a painful and fruitless journey, though. Most of the time I'm surviving. Sometimes I wish to vanish. But rarely, if ever, I have thoughts of change and to better myself. I think I'm better at projecting the past than imaging a different future!!

[bearguardian]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I'm not sociable (I think it stems from the fact, besides other factors, that I was yelled at, criticized, and even beaten up when I was a small kid. I was convinced that I wasn't good to talk or do anything), so I failed to socialize successfully and thus have isolated myself eventually. I also suffer from concentration and anxiety issues, so, I cannot read and focus on something else and I lose interest very quickly. Not being sociable or successful or interested in anything at all diminishes my self-esteem and makes me feel depressed and worthless. With low self-esteem and depression I have no intention or energy really to socialize or try anything else, which puts me in an endless vicious cycle. I need to break this cycle. It's a self-discovery journey, I guess. It's been a painful and fruitless journey, though. Most of the time I'm surviving. Sometimes I wish to vanish. But rarely, if ever, I have thoughts of change and to better myself. I think I'm better at projecting the past than imaging a different future!!

Maybe for STARTers stop giving yourself value by some external standards if thats a part of your problem (Im also working on this). Its not all about what you achieve and do you get recognized. You yourself know best what kind of person you are (the greatest battles and fruits are within).

Its weird how Im offering advices and really offering them to my damaged self. It will probably be worth repeating them all to the end of my life, for the shadowy ones never really sleep, never die. (That is not dead which can eternal lie, yet with stranger aeons even death may die. -Lovecraft)

I think that, sometimes, imagining the future isn't so good for us...

From reading what you have written (which I know is different than real life...but it's what I have), I can tell that your social skills are rather good. And that's not just said to compliment. It's simple observation (you have eyes and read what others on this forum, and any forum, say; how they speak of themselves and others, how they communicate, etc.)

I no longer have the impetus to go "out there" as I also have depression and lack self-esteem. I may look into volunteering at something though, and you might want to explore that avenue, too. People don't volunteer because they have to or because they need the paycheck. They do it because they have empathy and a love for whatever they're volunteering for. Those are the kinds of people that I want to be around.

Meetups and stuff, I'm not ready for. I don't need the humiliation of being around those who are superior to me.

Perhaps you can relate to what I'm saying...

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate a lot to your thoughts... it sucks.

You have my empathy. Be strong

[Skeezyks]

The Skeezyks offers his best wishes for success with imagining... & creating... a different future, Mr. Stranger!

[Lolina]

Mr Stranger, I have had a similar childhood and as you can see in my other post even as an adults I experienced difficulties with bullying, loneliness and trauma. Even though it's difficult, one thing I refuse to do is to let that define me. I experience tough times sometimes but I don't give up. Don't give up on yourself, push yourself out there, its the first steps towards your dreams. You deserve a good life. Be strong my dear.

It's good you can step back and see the circle - that is a positive step.

I don't think anyone can realistically imagine the future, that's unknowable, the past can seem safe by comparison but sometimes we've just got to push forward and see what happens.

[TishaBuv]

Humans are too smart for their own good. What other animal gets caught up in thinking about the past and the future? I assume all other animals are just thinking about the present.

[VanGore28]

You have to live for the present!
Yeah I've been called anti social in the past. Your so anti social he said and his friend interjects and says maybe she's shy. I was in fact. But also troubled, deeply so I would say.
My ex boyfriend would say I had a wicked side. But I was just reacting to his abuse. But I think even though my childhood was impoverished, if I was from an affluent family I still would have possessed this darkness in my psyche. Not that I would ever hurt someone else, just a ..how to put it......a feeling of being haunted

[it'sgrowtime]

It seems that you are indeed working to "better yourself." Your journey may feel fruitless because of the difficult feelings felt along the way, but have faith that you are wending your way towards what you desire.
It appears that you are defining your feelings, looking for root causes, deconstructing and reconstructing...all very good problem solving. It makes sense that you are anxious around people when your self esteem has taken a blow. Maybe choose a theme song to play or sing or hear in your head to influence mood and purpose? I've used "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never going to keep me down." Or, I've used a cliche a day theory, depending on my struggle. For example, I'll think to myself "a little goes a long way." A tweak in the right direction makes a big difference over time. I remember these things when I walk around to help me cope with emotions. When stuck in a cycle, I have to use little mind tricks to get out. I make deals with myself.
You are insightful, intelligent, and I assume resourceful. You do have many strengths!