[QueenCopper]

I have been in therapy for about 7 months now. I have realized I am having a hard time helping myself. The abuse as a child, the sexual assaults, the controlling abusive relationship has me has been hard to deal with. My therapist and have figured out that part of my problem is I am afraid to get back control of myself. I am afraid if I begin to tell people "no" or I can't they will hurt me or hate me. My therapist is really trying but I am stuck in this mindset that it is OK for me to be hurt but I cannot hurt or disappoint others. She has told me we have to deal with these things one at a time because each type of abuse is different but I honestly have a hard even talking about them. I am so embarrassed about the things that have happened and what I have done just to make others happy. I am so confused, angry, frustrated, scared, sad...Etc.

Thanks for listening to me vent!

[winter4me]

It is OK to be stuck for a time-----remember, it took a long time for you to get to the place you are in now, and it will take a long time, and small steps, trials, and self-forgiveness to move on---sounds like you have a thoughtful, supportive T. ((((((((hug))))))
Childhood abuse is especially difficult....it becomes to much a part of "you" it is hard to tease out your self from what others did/said/defined you as.
All important work takes time, and repetition. I remember being blown away (not for the last time) by attending a retrospective of a great artist---the number of sketches, painting, repetition of painting was overwhelming....I know some great poets who spent years on a single poem....it is OK to take time and to get stuck----I think this culture makes us think you can "Just Do It" and all will be well. ((((((((big hug)))))))

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this way It's good that you're acknowledging this. Hope your T will be able to help you overcome this issue

[ChronicBlue]

I sort of struggled like this when I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago, the whole idea of taking control of my life was such an abstract thought then. Six years later, it still kind of feels that way to be honest - but at least now I can recognize feelings and deal with them somehow. So I'm not entirely lost in my pain.

Before I tried to make sense out of anything, I had to deal with the hurt. Being in pain paralyzes you in a way you can't just help yourself. The moment you decide you don't want to feel that way anymore, is the moment you will try to help put yourself together - and maybe, get some control back of you life. I know it sounds kind of weird, but there is a moment in which you become exhausted of being hurt: whether it would be because you can't say no, or because everyone is being unfair to you (we can't please everyone all the time, so that usually gets us in bad situations even if we mean well) - and even if you do think you might deserve the pain, you are only human and you will get exhausted of it. Both mentally and physically, I've been there.

That has been my experience so far, it's not really a healthy point to get to, so I hope that you and your therapist get to find healthier solutions to cope with this. Do know that it can't be that bad forever though, and you are still capable of better thoughts after abuse.

Please, try to look out for yourself as you get there. Be patient with yourself.

[QueenCopper]

Thank you both! I am just not sure what is going to happen. The fact that I have been controlled so much is soooo embarrassing.

((((Hugs))))

[Thunder Bow]

My advice is to stay true to yourself, and dedicate yourself to your own healing. Keep working with your Therapist, and remember healing takes much time.

[QueenCopper]

Thank you! You guys are so encouraging. Hopefully one day...

Good gosh. I thought I had written this until I had to double check the name to make sure.

CBT has relly helped me with my self-worth; including the ability to say 'No'.

[tippitippi]

My reaction has always been that I don't get to take control. I'm not allowed. It makes me unable to stick to a diet and I try to trick myself into thinking it's disordered eating but the minute my brain realizes I'm doing something good it makes me do the opposite. Like if I act like im anorexic I can say oh see im hurting myself. Then my mind will realize im actually merely controlling my overeating and it will say no you can't do that. You don't get to control anything so you have to eat.

[tippitippi]

I feel like my mind is also saying "you are not allowed to make decisions for yourself". I remember once my sister said she decided where she wanted to go to college. My dad exploded in rage and said "you decided ? You have no right to decide anything without consulting me". That's the voice in my head.

[QueenCopper]

Originally Posted by tippitippi

I feel like my mind is also saying "you are not allowed to make decisions for yourself". I remember once my sister said she decided where she wanted to go to college. My dad exploded in rage and said "you decided ? You have no right to decide anything without consulting me". That's the voice in my head.

Exactly! I hear my cousin saying you cannot cry, or my ex telling me that I don't have a choice and then he gets his belt so he can spank me with it. I am not sure what to do.

[tippitippi]

Originally Posted by QueenCopper

Exactly! I hear my cousin saying you cannot cry, or my ex telling me that I don't have a choice and then he gets his belt so he can spank me with it. I am not sure what to do.

I feel that it is best for me to avoid triggers and people that trigger me. For a few years I cut contact with family members and my life did an amazing turnaround. It was so dramatic especially when I stopped talking to my mom. Recently my dad got cancer and I got back in touch with everyone and I'm back in that place in my head. It's exhausting and I have to back away again. The part where I've established online contact makes it harder. They use WhatsApp and I keep checking it against my better judgement.

Anyway distance -- real distance-- works for me.