A letter to my parents

Dear my father and my mother,

I'm sure you were happy when I was born, and dreamed of me growing up and making you proud. You tried your best to raise me. You made everything materialistic available to me. You thought this would make life look beautiful to me and easy. For more than a dozen years you only have talked to me through the phone for minutes each time during which I've pretended everything was fine. Probably you have assumed I'm happy and feel successful. I need to tell you this: I'm not happy, and I've never felt happy. You thought your physical and emotional punishment would make me a better and a happier person, but it didn't. It has destroyed the life and joy inside me.

Truth be told, you brought me to this life for you only not for me (I don't think people think how happy the child would be in life, but rather how happy the parents would be of the child). You wanted to feel a purpose in life by having children, a reason to live for, just like everyone else does. I'm sure you hoped for a social support circle, and hoped for some help when you get old. I guess I gave you the purpose you wanted. I will try to give you the social support and help you are hoping for, but life will have to stop at me. I'm sure you are waiting to see your grandsons and granddaughters from me, but I'm not going to have any children, because in my view it's a selfish act to have children in this miserable world, which makes me think also if I'd ever get married and settle down, because I don't want to drag anyone into my "dark" world. This will make you sad, and I'm sorry for that, but you wanted me for you, and I'm going to do just that without repeating the endless cycle of misery, not through me. I got used to be alone, and it's become part of my character to be alone. This is my density. I truly believe this is my destiny in this life. Everything happened in my life has led me here.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Stranger

(This is the letter that I will never write to you, because you will think I'm crazy as everyone else thinks of me when I speak of these things, and that I failed you.)

(((((Mr. Stranger))))

did you find that it helped in anyway to write this ? , I hope it did

I want them to know what they have done to me, but of course I cannot, because parents are always right. In my culture, even if the parents were wrong, the child would be blamed and ostracized from society and extended family for not being obedient and respectful and grateful to his/her parents. So, I keep my mouth shut and keep my pain inside me, while pretending I'm OK. It's a scar in my soul I carry wherever I go.

(((((((Mr stranger)))))))

This a letter to Yourself! It a contract with Yourself to keep feeling bad about yourself. What is the survival value to all this? Why do you always want to feel this way? Where you parents there for you when you were little? or were they a bit to distant?.

((Mr Stranger))

I cannot but think about all of this. Sometimes I create scenarios and talk to myself where I blame them for all they have done to me, and I get angry and frustrated. They were there for me to feed me and take care of me physically, but emotionally they were unavailable and actually aggressive. I was yelled and ridiculed in front of others. I was criticized all the time. I was physically beaten. My dad wished if I was dead. I cannot forget all of that. These are ingrained memories in my brain. Very vivid ones. In my mind the only way to be healed of this is to cut them off from my life completely, but then I feel guilty for thinking that way, and if I can live with the guilt of cutting them off. I'm trapped between feeling indignant and feeling guilty.

Mr stranger i can identify with this completely, you do not have to justify your feeling s i personally felt that the comment by thunder bow came across a little harsh, but that is obviously just my opinion i am sure it was meant well

When you were little, their actions and accusations had nothing to do with you personally. Little children are not responsible for their parents actions toward them. Keep working on your own healing, it takes time to heal.

I am sorry that you went through that, no child should go through that.

I think you have gotten to a point in your life where you have become more aware of how the "neglect" you faced from your parents has hurt you.

Now, with your adult mind it's time for you to understand how your parent's behavior is really more about "them" than you. Truth is a lot of parents genuinely had/have no idea how to actually "be" parents and what "nurturing" really means. That is evident when you talk about providing a roof over your head and food on the table. Sadly, a lot of parents believe their job is disciplining the child and the child is "expected" to do certain things. They don't understand what "nurturing" and making sure a child knows he/she is loved. And a big part of that is "unconditional love" too.

I don't think that letter you wrote would benefit you from what you have described of your parents if you sent it to them. They never had the ability to see whatever they did wrong, instead from what you have described they only saw what they felt "your" wrongs were.

One day I was sitting next to a man who was supposed to "teach" children how to ride. A young girl was in the ring having a lesson and she was a "real" beginner, no experience. He got snotty about it and said, see that girl she can't ride for crap. Well, if she could she would not be looking to learn, and he would not be there teaching. That man had no business teaching, just like a lot of people have no business being a parent/parents.

I don't know how old you are, but it was not all that long ago that a lot of parents had no idea, no knowledge about child development. Actually,because I am around a lot of parents and families in what I do as a business, I take time to ask certain questions and STILL I find a lot of parents who have no idea about child development.

For myself, I read every book I could get my hands on so I made sure I was doing right by my child, part of which was making sure she knew she was loved unconditionally.

(((((Mr.Stranger)))))

Thanks everyone for the comments and hugs. I appreciate that.

@Open Eyes: I didn't write the letter to send it to them. I just wanted to write what I would say to them, although I tried several times to hint it, but I was faced by denial and rage from their side. I do think many of my issues today, including my social isolation, are because of the way they raised me. I have this fear of being criticized and ridiculed all the time. I have very low self-esteem and high anxiety. I learned to keep silent all the time because I was punished when I did or spoke something.

I do believe my parents, probably out of ignorance and/or because of the way they were raised, didn't realize the emotional aspect of raising a child. My father was raised poor, and all he wanted for us is not to be poor. He cared about money and study more than anything else, including my life when he wished I was dead because I didn't measure to his expectations. My mother was just there for cooking and cleaning. I don't remember them talking to us and teaching us without the belt or without yelling at or ridiculed us. My mother was cursing us all the time. They were saying they loved us by their lips, but I (and my siblings) have never felt it. They communicated what they thought as love in a very materialistic way, which needless to say, means nothing in the absence of emotional love.

My life was easier than many people financially, and I'm grateful for that. That's why I feel guilty when I try to leave them out of my life, especially now they are getting old. But at the same time, I feel all my life has been ruined. I don't feel I'm living. I don't have friends. I live completely isolated. My peers who were less fortunate than me when younger now have families, stable and very good jobs, have cars, houses, travel all over the world, have kids, ... etc.

I realize that I need to take responsibility of my life, but I think they clipped my wings so to speak. They buried my spontaneity and freedom to form my personality/character and to explore my passions in life.