I don't know what to do right now. I don't know if this is in the right part of the forum.

I've been trying to get help for my emotional issues, but they're stirring up old wounds and although I've been suicidal from a young age, no one will ever find out except you all here. It's not a cry for help type of suicide, it's a escape plan type of one. I know if things get too much to handle, I can fall back on it.

A lot of people call it selfish, but I think it's far from it. Everyone only has their life to call their own, and I think everyone has their own right to take it if they want.

No one's ever loved me, and I'm finding that no one EVER will. I'm completely unlovable.

My parents didn't love me. My sisters wouldn't love me if I didn't kill myself trying to act like a different person in front of them.

I have no friends. Haven't made any for years. Well I did make a friendship with an older woman who eventually became controlling, so cut that off. One thing I fear more than anything else is people who are not me controlling my life.

I've been so positive despite what I know is the truth. I've always remained as positive as I could.

I keep kicking myself in the teeth and no one cares. I keep trying to fit in and no one cares. I don't even want them to care anymore. I just keep doing the motions of trying to fit in and have long forgotten why I even do it.

My husband doesn't love me, my family doesn't love, heck, even my dog doesn't love me.

The only one who loves me is my cat, and I'd do anything for him. Thankfully he has other people he loves too that will take care of him.

I'm not going to call a suicide support line. I never have, never will. I don't even know why I'm typing here. Oh wait, yes I do, I just want to hear something that'll change my mind. I HATE the idea of suicide. I'm scared to death of dying. But it's the only choice. My life won't get better. I'll only get more downtrodden to the point that I'll forget about my emergency plan. Or won't be able to do it.

I don't really enjoy the things I do enjoy. It makes no sense, but I'll be smiling and doing something I love but still will be thinking about how I'll die. I really don't want to. I wish there was another way.

I'm only ruining other's lives. No one has benefited from me. My parents ignored me growing up, or used me to take their anger out on before going back to enjoying the day with my siblings. I've always felt like an outsider. I was always rejected by my peers, even my adult peers. People stare at me like there's something wrong with me. Some people just simply walk away when I try to talk to them, giving me one last look of dislike.

Even if there was a reason why, I'm tired of trying. Tired of trying to get help. No one will ever diagnose me and give me medication because they don't care enough about me. I've tried getting help for my physical problems but the doctors don't care enough either and blame it on emotional problems.

I'm always stuck at the bottom of humanity. My life and years just fly by. Maybe I should just wait it out until I'm old and pass away from natural causes, but I'm worried by than my love for life will be so low that I'll leave the world a woman who hates everyone and everything. I don't want to live long enough for that to happen.

I've really tried, so, so, SO hard to get help. But people overlook me. I'm not important enough. I'm not cool enough. I'm boring. I'm stupid.

There's nothing in the future for me if I don't have anyone at my side. And NO, I don't want anyone by my side. It's a laughably terrible conundrum. I want what I don't want.

I can have money, but money doesn't make me happy. Nothing I could buy could fill this hole in my heart.

Helping others to give myself purpose? I'm too tired to anymore. Too aware that people will always need help. Why help at a dog's shelter if millions of dogs are being put down each year? What real value do I have?

Plus, that's beside the fact that I'm too emotionally unstable to help anyone. I would hurt a dog during my impatience. Yes, I'm that terrible of a person. I never hurt my animals and show them lots of love but I know I don't care enough to help other animals. Or other people. I can't help other people because my love for them has diminished. Dogs can bite and are selfish, and people are the same.

So, I'm not lovable, don't love anyone, and am doomed. Oh well.

Hey, thanks for reading this. Sorry if I brought your day down a little bit.

My husband finally found out how I was feeling and comforted me back to normal. Feeling better now, no longer suicidal. I'm scared that this will happen again. I felt this bad for a long time before someone found out. What if I can't stop myself from feeling suicidal? What to do? I'm just scared. I don't talk to people offline when I feel this way, I only do on the up-bound when someone notices I'm unhappy.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so glad you don't feel as suicidal now. I understand your fears. Do you see a therapist?

Thanks, MickeyCheeky . I have a therapist, but it's so hard to talk to them. I'm seeing them again this week. I'll do my best to tell them what happened. I trust my therapist enough to talk, but it's still difficult. I think I'm terrified of them making it worse. I'm very sensitive, and people often accidentally hurt my feelings. I'm worried opening up so much will backfire and the therapist will make light of my problems or even make me feel like I'm crazy.

I'm sure I'm overthinking it. I'll hope for the best.

[Bill3]

I am so glad that you got back to normal!

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

Thanks, MickeyCheeky . I have a therapist, but it's so hard to talk to them. I'm seeing them again this week. I'll do my best to tell them what happened. I trust my therapist enough to talk, but it's still difficult. I think I'm terrified of them making it worse. I'm very sensitive, and people often accidentally hurt my feelings. I'm worried opening up so much will backfire and the therapist will make light of my problems or even make me feel like I'm crazy.

I'm sure I'm overthinking it. I'll hope for the best.

Yesterday I had my first therapy session since November. I was very concerned about going back. Wasn't sure she could help me. Wasn't sure that she could handle trauma related therapy. I had questioned whether or not it was worth it. It went really good and she validated my thoughts, listened to me, confirmed my self-diagnosis of CPTSD, and really helped me come up with a plan forward.

I hope you find the same with your therapist. If you have an ongoing trusting relationship with him/her, I think it will be fine. Opening up is hard, at least that's what I've found. Once I did though, I felt better.

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

Thanks, MickeyCheeky . I have a therapist, but it's so hard to talk to them. I'm seeing them again this week. I'll do my best to tell them what happened. I trust my therapist enough to talk, but it's still difficult. I think I'm terrified of them making it worse. I'm very sensitive, and people often accidentally hurt my feelings. I'm worried opening up so much will backfire and the therapist will make light of my problems or even make me feel like I'm crazy.

I'm sure I'm overthinking it. I'll hope for the best.

I cried reading your post. I don't relate to everything, but the underlying tone of it all rings familiar for me. I'm glad you are feeling better. I really do think I understand your pains and frustrations....we have many similarities in how we feel and see things. I'm sorry you are burdened with such dark and dangerous thoughts. I understand your fears about them and I surely relate to just waiting around to die cause that has been my life for several years now. My doctors are finally taking my health issues seriously and not taking the easy road and blaming my mental illness for them. Keep pushing your doctors to do the same. You deserve help with all this, it's too much to be expected to conquer alone. I'm glad you have your husband to support you through this. Write me anytime if you'd like to chat. I get sick and don't always come on daily but it shouldn't take long for me to reply. And you don't have to sugar coat anything with me or put a positive spin on anything unless you need to.....I can handle and relate to the raw truth. I'm wishing you body wide healing and contentment.

Thanks so much, ElsaMars. Your support really lifted my spirits right now. I hope you feel validated as well and I know how awful this is to go through. You're a trooper to have gone through this for so long.

I'd love to talk and also hear from you sometime. My depression causes me to distance myself from everyone. Sometimes I just feel like hiding and won't respond for a long time, so just a heads up.

I feel a lot better, but I can see in the back of my mind those thoughts flickering still. I know they're still there if I feel better, so all I can do is learn to fend them off while I'm on a break from them. I mostly feel that if I felt that way all the time, then life really wouldn't be worth living, but I suppose the truth is that I don't feel that way all the time. Like right now, I don't feel like dying, and I have some things to look forward to.