Sad Stuff

Some emotional wounds are deep and I'm not sure if they will ever heal. I grew over time to feel like it was not really safe to show weakness, even around loved ones and "friends". Some of the most critical people I've ever dealt with are those related to me. It was always my fault. No one took the time to even try to look at things from my perspective. I made excuses for them, but nobody ever made excuses for me. I've been held more than accountable for every freaking mistake. Before I could even make a mistake, I was corrected. Never caught a freaking break. No matter how supportive I have been, there have been so many times I was left to fight alone. They leaned, there was a shoulder to cry on...I leaned, and I fell to the floor. There was no support available to stop me from falling. Never had that understanding and care reciprocated. It is a pretty painful realization. I don't think my heart could ever be whole again. I want to believe in the possibility, but past events revolve around my mind at times...words people have said, words they didn't say, things they've done, and things they didn't do. It's to the point where I don't know how to really let people care when they make it clear they truly want to help. Maybe I believe I'm not deserving of genuine care at this point because of all the neglect and betrayal I have faced. Extreeeemely high probability.

No one has to respond. Just me letting some thoughts and feelings out while immersed in thoughts and feelings. Good God this basically typed itself.

It can be hard to trust others to help us when so many in our past have done such an unfortunately good job of letting us down, hard, when we needed them most. I can relate to that. Maybe you find it hard to trust others because you don't feel like you have the energy to potentially fall to the floor again if they let you down again.

I feel for you,used to be the same;then I started to read and
reeducate self,so I strongly recommend you get hold of a
book by Nathaniel Branden,called: "The Six Pillars Of Self-
Esteem". You MUST do things like this or YOU will be the one who is betraying yourself. Also look for books on Self-
Assertiveness (this will help to cope with family), or/and
sever contact with those who are particularly toxic. I have
2brothers+one sister I have cut all ties with because of
their talk and betrayal and insanity. Keep telling self,"I am
worth it,I am worth it". When I look back,I see how little I
knew about other people and their behavior,so I was very
confused,no self-esteem,no self-respect.What I thought
was weakness,was in fact,lack of knowledge of how to deal
with the world. If you have any further questions,or need
more info,do not hesitate to message me.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

Feel free to vent here. We'll listen.