Socialization as an obligation

I would choose not to socialize with people normally, but some things I cannot decide autonomously. For example, you "have" to go to the wedding of a close relative. I recently went to a wedding, and I wished I didn't go and I didn't want to. But I couldn't avoid it. You may tell me this wasn't true, but believe me it was very bad. It was obvious that I was nervous and anxious. What is worse is that others who I believe wish they have my position academically and financially have more confidence and take it more easily with people and socialize more successfully and have more respect. Will I ever overcome this terrible trait that I cannot avoid? Nothing has any worth with the lack of social skills. I cannot gain the respect of others by the sheer act of socializing.

I'm sorry this went poorly for you. Old age does have its benefits, I guess. I no longer feel obliged to do anything I don't choose to do.

Anxiety, including social anxiety isn't your "fault" any more than the number of claws / fingers you have is... not everyone is so idiotic as to judge anxiety so harshly... maybe feel sorry for those narrow minded jerks

Some people, as they "mature" become wiser and less likely to make stupid judgements.. if not, as you grow older maybe you'll choose to avoid them

I'm sorry this event didn't go well

Could benzos or something help for any future event?

PS it's possible that people weren't judging you so much, I don't know... some people suck
but some people do have empathy for the diversity of other people..

I agree with fuzzy (great post) this is a challenge you are dealing with, it's not your fault and many people would understand/empathise - many people share degrees of this same challenge.

I think feeling pressured to attend an event you don't want to ramps everything up so much more, and personally don't feel going 'in at the deep end' to such a big social event is helpful with social anxiety. It can be overwhelming.

Thanks everyone. People didn't judge me explicitly, but I know I was obviously anxious and awkward (like staring in void places to avoid looking at people), and was marginalized. I could hear their nonverbal judgments, though. My (extended) family now has some expectations from me as an "adult" (they have an image of me that suits my age and education I guess, while in fact, I am still the child who left more than a dozen years ago, if not worse).

What bothers me a lot is the fact that I am marginalized and treated as unworthy because I cannot socialize properly. I think the fact that I cannot behave normal socially makes me feel so bad about myself and it affects my self-esteem for next times I try to socialize.

I don't seem to learn from my social encounters and develop some experience and skills with time.

I'm that you have to deal with the judgments, explicit or otherwise, of others who have unrealistic expectations and lack of empathy.

I can see that is a kind of a circle - you try to push yourself to socialise, you feel uncomfortable, you are aware of your own behaviour not matching expectations (maybe your own/others), in turn you feel bad which affects your confidence.

I personally think you ought to try to balance your 'inner critic', and not feel so bad about yourself - from my perspective I can see how much effort you are putting into these situations, that is something you should be proud of. Maybe adjusting your expectations would help, for example you mentioned eye contact - maybe working on that might be a small progress you can make, rather than expecting flowing conversation at this stage. Little victories.

Be kind to yourself.

A lot of men find a hobby to get involved in so they are doing "something" they can use as an icebreaker when it comes to having discussions. It also gives them something that they can look at rather than looking at the person they are talking to.

I think it was in one of your threads that I posted a youtube video of two boy toddlers who were up all night. If you sit and really look at that video what those little boys are doing is they are interacting with each other in an activity, in that video what they kept doing is piling up pillows. That is where most socializing begins in playing like that.

One of the activities a lot of businessmen engage in is golf. This game of golf gives them something to "play" together while they slowly work on having a discussion at the same time.

For a while there was also the use of having long business lunches and "drinking", that drinking was done (and this goes way back through human history too) is engaged in to help reduce the inhibitions and social stress, by drinking alcohol. Actually, the problem with alcohol that a lot of people develop was due to their struggle when it came to relaxing so they could socialize.

When you went to that wedding, one thing you probably did not notice is that a lot of the people there probably consumed some alcohol to help them relax.

It's important that you understand that a lot of people have a degree of social anxiety.

I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I read an article recently from some dude, claiming he cured his through exposure. Obviously he didn't have social anxiety, it doesn't go away I'm sorry to tell you. You can learn to cope, but expecting you will magically like going to social events someday is too much pressure to put on yourself. You will feel like a failure when you don't meet these expectations. You don't really have to go to these events and people who care about you will understand why you don't. With practice, it does get "easier to cope" with though. Meet yourself where you are at, make goals but always remember who you are in this equation and being socially anxious does not make you less than in any form or fashion. Listen to me in this, YOU ARE NOT LESS WORTHY than your more outgoing peers.

I'm also not sure it would be realistic to expect a cure.

My own experience was improvement, I can cope better than before. Tbh big group events still intimidate me, the last one I attended was before Christmas and I stuck pretty much to the edge of the room. I plotted an early escape and got a lift with a woman who also confessed it was not her thing. I do much better in smaller groups or one to one. I accept this is me and I don't beat myself up over it.

Like OpenEyes describes I do much better around structured activities (and I'm a woman). Maybe a bike ride group might be suitable? Many of my friends are through running group.

But I agree - don't push too hard and definitely don't give in to pressure from others expectations.

Once they did an experiment, where they asked a bunch of geeks who were not so good with ladies to go to a bar and get the number of a lady they like. The outcome was that all of them got a number except one. Guess why? Because he was the only one who didn't have the courage to talk to a lady and ask for her number. I don't think he was less worthy than his colleagues, but obviously he was left behind because he didn't do a simple thing, which is to say few words and ask for a number from a lady he liked. This is also true professionally. It is not about competence only, but also about how you connect and socialize with others. I don't think not being sociable is something not important.

I obviously don't know the "geek" nor the details of the experiment nor how he came to participate in it. However, I see a possibility that it may have been more important to him not to get pressured into doing something he didn't really want to do, than to come back with a "success story" and some stranger's phone number.

He may have gone along with the experiment because he thought it would be bad form not to, but if he wasn't really looking forward to having any of those ladies in his life then "not having the courage" may have been just his gentler alternative to telling the experimenter where to get off.

Years ago I was temporarily living in a city where I knew hardly anybody. Someone had recommended one particular piano bar as a good place to meet people so I thought I'd go take a look. I walked through the door to find about fifteen people sitting with their backs to the bar watching for whoever was going to come through the door next. I think there was about 20 feet of bare floor between me and them. I found I wasn't up for making either a grand entrance or a lame one so I executed a quick U-turn in the doorway and left. "Not my kind of place," I thought, and that conclusion seemed to suit me a whole lot better than "Oops, I need to improve my stranger-in-a-bar skills."

Mr.Stranger that sounds like a stressful experiment, I think a lot of people would not thrive in that environment.

Lots of people (men and women) feel happier developing friendships with people before romantic relationships, that whole 'approach a stranger and get her number' sounds quite intimidating.

Thinking back to my young years I never once gave my number to someone I just met, although I was asked a few times - the whole prospect felt too scary to me.

I don't remember the goal of the experiment precisely, but I remember that one guy didn't succeed while all others did (I say succeed because they were testing who can get the number of a lady they liked based on some prior assumptions and statistical odds, and its relation to risk taking). The guy accepted to participate in the experiment voluntarily. So, I don't think he didn't talk and get a number intentionally. I remember this because I thought I would have done the same as this guy. I agree that they were asking strangers their numbers which might not be the best strategy to develop romantic relationships, but the idea of me mentioning this was that people who talk are noticed, while those who don't are not, regardless of who you are behind your social skills.

There is a practical cost to social anxiety. For reasons totally unrelated to this thread, I'm having a tough time managing how I feel about my social anxiety right now. That will pass, but the social anxiety seems like it's here to stay.

I've never made more than minimal progress with the anxiety itself, but I usually do pretty well with how I feel about being socially anxious. I'm nearly 60 and if I'm honest, I still wish I could be comfortable with people, but I've mostly accepted that I won't. That acceptance has helped me cope with the losses associated, and I think it's helped a little with the anxiety.

I wish I had a more positive spin on this. I do wish you well.

I'm sorry you had such a bad time. You're not alone. I have social anxiety and have been going to a bible study with 180 women and I STILL get social anxiety. Please be gentle with yourself. The fact that you went to the wedding and got through it is a victory. I found in a DBT book (can't remember which one) that gives a list of before, during and after statements to help you through the event or thing that is causing you anxiety. I'll try to dig it up. I need to be using them myself. Good luck and best wishes.

Personally, I don't care about societal norms, nor do I care about going to social events; even big ones like weddings or funerals.

If I feel like going to a social event, I go. Otherwise, I stay home where it's warm.

I guess many people still have that fear, fear to be in a crowd and to mingle with other people. I know for the fact that "no one is an island and no one stands alone" and you must simply accept that.

Socialization really is a big factor in order for an individual to grow and to be matured in some aspect of their life. I know some introverted person who tends to regain their confidence and overcome their fear of being with people through joining singing competition, engaging to sports, being active in church and joining non government agencies to help those in need. These activities will somehow develop their speaking skills and builds up their confidence as well.

Life is too short for you not to enjoy it. I'm also an introverted person before but I did not let that fear to eat my whole being. I find a way to outgrew from it with the help and support of my family.