[DechanDawa]

The more I try to reduce depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation the worse it gets. This morning when I woke up and again experienced suicidal ideation I wondered what would happen if I just gave in and let go and stopped trying to get rid of these emotions?

I try very hard to reduce and manage these feelings but frankly it takes up every ounce of energy.

Maybe I should just live my life and let these emotions hang around if that's what they want?

I am so tired of fighting.

[Thunder Bow]

No quick fix. Therapy can reduce this over time.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

No quick fix. Therapy can reduce this over time.

Patience. Thanks.

Therapy has never turned things around for me. I think I am going to try to just neglect my emotions. They demand too much attention. (I don't self medicate and I don't take psych drugs.)

I've experienced the same - the more I try to fight my feelings, the more intense they get. For instance, I had suicidal thoughts for the longest time. My friends, even professionals didn't want to hear it, just told me I shouldn't think like that.. But the feeling of wanting to die just wouldn't go away. It was insanely anxiety-provoking to live with! In the end, I was so desperate to get rid of it I ended up having a conversation in my head with a dead relative (probably sounds crazy, I know!) who had my back when they were alive, begging them to just hear me, just accept that I have those feelings. Once they did, my first thought after 'I want to die' was 'I want to live'! I've since had many such occasions where once I've accepted a difficult feeling, I've immediately felt the complete opposite. I think maybe those difficult feelings are about the past, totally appropriate for what was going on then, and I just needed them validated - but they're not how I feel about my life today I just needed to honour the feelings I once had about my life and couldn't feel or express back then, and then release them, let go..

Remember, feeling an emotion doesn't mean you're going to act on it. They're just feelings. If you actually started to plan how to kill yourself, that's when I'd get worried and seek help. But it doesn't sound like that's what this is about - it's OK to feel your feelings, all of them!

[DechanDawa]

[quote=not.dead.yet;5586361]I've experienced the same - the more I try to fight my feelings, the more intense they get. For instance, I had suicidal thoughts for the longest time. My friends, even professionals didn't want to hear it, just told me I shouldn't think like that.. But the feeling of wanting to die just wouldn't go away. It was insanely anxiety-provoking to live with! In the end, I was so desperate to get rid of it I ended up having a conversation in my head with a dead relative (probably sounds crazy, I know!) who had my back when they were alive, begging them to just hear me, just accept that I have those feelings. Once they did, my first thought after 'I want to die' was 'I want to live'! I've since had many such occasions where once I've accepted a difficult feeling, I've immediately felt the complete opposite. I think maybe those difficult feelings are about the past, totally appropriate for what was going on then, and I just needed them validated - but they're not how I feel about my life today I just needed to honour the feelings I once had about my life and couldn't feel or express back then, and then release them, let go..


Thank you. I agree with you that suicidal ideation or suicidal thoughts are intensely anxiety producing. When I first had them I thought I should rush off to the hospital. Crisis hotline people have told me this was not necessary, but to seek out therapy which I did. I also still call crisis hotlines for coping tips.

I feel like I am in the "management phase" of living with suicidal ideation. It feels like suicidal ideation has become "normalized."

I don't like it. It does not advance to a plan because I am too cowardly. I don't drink or do drugs and am not on medication...all things which are said to be dangerous activities for one suffering from suicidal ideation.

My theory is that this is the result of chronic unresolved stressful circumstances in my life. I am always overwhelmed with anxiety. The depression is like burn-out.

I keep trying to figure out how to get rid of the suicidal ideation. Nothing works. Nothing. I can go to sleep and have a beautiful, restful sleep and as soon as I open my eyes the suicidal ideation is there.

I don't want to die. I take good care of myself...eat well, don't smoke or drink, sleep well, exercise. Why would I do these things if I was self-destructive?

So I came up with this idea to just accept that these feelings are with me. Stories such as yours are so heartening. When you no longer needed these feelings they left you. My idea is to not try to force these feelings away anymore for the simple reason I have tried it and it doesn't work. But to not feed them, either. I do try to push them to the back burner when I can.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very informative and inspiring.

This is more of less what I've done for myself. I have a lot of so called "negative" emotions such as anger, hatred, envy, and resentment as well as a lust for power and control and I have chosen to call them my "dark side" which I regard as a part of me and I embrace that part of me.

People might say that I'm wrong and I need to attend therapy or my "toxic" emotions might consume me or whatever but I disagree. If anything, said emotions have been a valuable asset for me because they have motivated me to do more with my life and have done more to empower me than any so called "positive" emotions ever have.

As long as you don't let your so called "negative" emotions consume you, I don't see a problem with accepting them as part of you. After all, we're all human and emotions such as sadness and anger are just as much a part of the human condition as happiness and love.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

This is more of less what I've done for myself. I have a lot of so called "negative" emotions such as anger, hatred, envy, and resentment as well as a lust for power and control and I have chosen to call them my "dark side" which I regard as a part of me and I embrace that part of me.

People might say that I'm wrong and I need to attend therapy or my "toxic" emotions might consume me or whatever but I disagree. If anything, said emotions have been a valuable asset for me because they have motivated me to do more with my life and have done more to empower me than any so called "positive" emotions ever have.

As long as you don't let your so called "negative" emotions consume you, I don't see a problem with accepting them as part of you. After all, we're all human and emotions such as sadness and anger are just as much a part of the human condition as happiness and love.

Well said, I guess, as long as your toxic emotions don't harm others.

I personally feel that the anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation are like heavy woolen blankets thrown over my personality. I keep trying to shake them off.

In the past I have accepted a certain melancholia in my personality.

This is really different because these emotions feel like lethal destroyers. I obviously give them a lot of power.

I should probably add that I am someone who is emotion adverse. I don't like emotions...probably because I am a control freak...and emotions are difficult to control.

I truly think accepting them is going to be my key to freedom. I think it may lead to some kind of integration.

Also, I do want to add that my lifestyle is extremely stressed and has been for several years. So at the same time I need to work hard to restore balance and then I think all the puppies will settle down.

I think I am going to start calling my emotions puppies.

[TishaBuv]

I suffered with depression for a long time. Then it turned to anger. I tackled the problem. Now I feel like I am moving on by doing things for myself, being myself, enjoying life, having new experiences.

[Gus1234U]

i think there is a lot of wisdom being expressed here. i used to have 'OCD suicidal ideations', 24/7. it got real old. then i found a type of therapy that helps the brain re-balance itself, and almost all my OCD's disappeared. maybe what's left is best called C-PSD, cause i am just not as resilient as i once was.

the therapy i used is called Binaural Beat. it is a stereo sound that stimulates the brain to reactivate or even regrow the neural connections between the 2 halves of the brain, giving it more balance and resilience, access to 'reality checking'. i seriously enjoy not having sui ideations any more... it really was a terrible burden, but accepting that it was happening, and that i needed to turn away from focusing on it, was my form of acceptance.

i have also practiced other forms of 'radical acceptance', as taught by the buddists. in particular, one Lama Tsultrim Allione Chodron has brought out an ancient teaching of radical acceptance which she calls: "Feeding the Demon". she has been teaching this all over the world, and it is available in DVD format online. essentially, it guides one thru expressing love and acceptance for all that is troubling in ones life, body, mind and spirit. it is a Very powerful practice.

best wishes~

[Rizzar]

I have tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT has been the most helpful treatment modality I have experienced.

I am sorry this is such a heavy load. I've enjoyed this thread and the discussion that has ensued. You have a lot of people rooting for you. Please take care.

[Moment acceptance]

Originally Posted by not.dead.yet

...begging them to just hear me, just accept that I have those feelings. Once they did, my first thought after 'I want to die' was 'I want to live'! I've since had many such occasions where once I've accepted a difficult feeling, I've immediately felt the complete opposite. I think maybe those difficult feelings are about the past, totally appropriate for what was going on then, and I just needed them validated - but they're not how I feel about my life today I just needed to honour the feelings I once had about my life and couldn't feel or express back then, and then release them, let go..

I think that is a good way for me... Cause for all my life or most of my life people around me (family and friends) didn't hear or see me, they didn't validate me for who I really was and am and in a way I abandoned myself...