I won't be

I feel so angry right now. I regret my decisions so badly that I want to cry, but what is the benefit of doing that now after I made my stupid decision!! This experience has taught me to never think of anyone else before myself. People want to use me only for their goals, and I won't be a means for that.

(((Mr. Stranger)))),

I am sorry you are experiencing this negative environment right now. Do your best to acknowledge things about your parents that you now most definitely see are toxic. But whatever you do, don't turn this anger inward and blame yourself. This is what your parents taught you to do, so now that you are seeing that it's important that you take steps to correct it where you don't turn your anger inward. This kind of toxic situation is a challenge, believe me I hear you. It's hard because what you are witnessing is how toxic people literally have no idea just how toxic their behavior patterns really are and how if affects others.

I feel for you because I have some very toxic family challenges going on myself and honestly, I am often at a loss as to what to do about it and I tend to self blame and then I see how I was unknowingly taught to do just that and how far back that goes, so you are really not alone with this challenge.

I know this is hard, but, you have to learn to distance yourself from this toxic behavior that your father/mother are trying to get you involved in. You did not know any better when you were a child, but now that you are an adult you can make a choice to not participate, and when you get angry and then turn that anger inward, you are allowing yourself to participate. I know this is a challenge because I struggle with it myself. However, if you sit and really think about it, look at all the different people who come to this site struggling in so many different ways because of how they got sucked into participating in some kind of "toxic" family/work/relationship/social situation.

Now, it's also important that you don't take on a complete idea where you decide to not think of anyone else besides yourself because that is exactly how your father and mother are. I know a lot of people are like that too. It's difficult to develop a balance when it comes to interacting with other human beings. If it wasn't this forum would not be so busy. You are actually more a "part of" then you realize. So don't beat yourself up for just being human.

Parents are supposed to help us figure out how to navigate our way through life, but more often than not they fail in so many ways. Your father and mother are practicing what "they" were taught and they really believe how they raised you was right. This has been a problem in human nature as a hole. I mean, look at all the toxic crap that is going on globally. Actually because of all our technology that we now have, we are a lot more exposed to that reality. Human beings develop customs and social structures as a way to help make life predictable and safe, to get a societal group all on the same page. That is how human beings are designed, its what has always been a part of existentialism. So what you are witnessing in your parents is what they were taught to believe in whatever culture they were born and raised in. The more isolated a culture is, the more that culture will practice the same customs that get handed down from one generation to the next. And if that structure is threatened? There is always anger and fighting too. Even within the same culture there is divide and arguments too. Yeah, even in one's own family unit too. It's not your fault human beings are so challenging believe me.

Thank you. I am so angry because I had the choice not to return, but I chose to return. I expressed my concerns from my return, and my father told me something, and now he tells me of somethings else. For example, from where I was I told him I don't want to see my relatives and participate in social obligations .. etc. He told me that's OK, every one is busy nowadays and no one visits anyone. Now he is accusing me for not visiting them on Easter. And many more things like this.

I know they were taught like this, but now we live in another era. I know not all parents are like them, but they are so close minded.

He keeps accusing me of how I look, how I dress, if I talk or if I am quiet. Everything I do or say he criticizes, if not using his mouth, then by his eyes, and silence. He wants me to conform to his views of life. I cannot do this any more.

As I said, I returned mainly to get engaged, because I have the issue of social isolation abroad, but now I don't want to take this step. I just want to leave. I don't mind living and dying alone. It is nothing compared to this hell.

This experience has taught me not to put anyone else before myself, because no one really cares about me. I almost gave up my life and future to try to be close to my parents, but they don't deserve it, because they don't respect me and my choices and decisions. I didn't mean not to care about anyone, but I will be cautious not to compromise my freedom, personal decisions, and happiness for anyone else's sake. I am the only loser in this.

Yes, and this is how he always was as a person from what you have shared.

You are not the loser either, that would be only if you settled for this and allowed yourself to continue to live with someone who clearly doesn't respect you and believed the things he criticizes about you and use it to self sabotage and self criticize.

Boundaries may be helpful here.

https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/est...al-boundaries/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ect-deal-anger

Sadly, this is what it's like when you go home....

I think everyone has experienced it to varying degrees. Hang in there Mr. Stranger. This experience is solidifying YOUR needs and wants for your future.

I'm sorry, Mr. Stranger..

This is good information for you Mr. Stranger. Even though you are now in the environment that created your challenge in the first place which can most definitely be triggering as you are clearly defining in your posts/different threads. You can begin to work on practicing setting boundaries even though you are dealing with parents that never respected your boundaries.

Now that you have returned to your home environment, you can spend time on the things that are said to you that disrespect your boundaries and you can begin to recognize the toxic way your father behaves, write these things down which you have been doing here which is actually something you need to do so you can begin working on correcting how you "unknowingly" absorb these negative messages as truths. How you can recognize this is through your own self talk. For example, "it's my fault, I am a loser, I am stupid".

How could anyone feel comfortable socializing when raised the way your father raised you? It's not always "bad" when one is facing this kind of individual again and beginning to recognize a reality they may not have realized in their past. Sometimes this is a much needed clarification.

You are actually very good at articulating, you are not stupid either. Members that are responding to you can recognize this about you. You have been engaging socially, we are all real people and many of us can relate to a lot of the challenges you have shared. A lot of people can relate and share similar challenges that you have been sharing. While you think you are living on a different planet, you really aren't. It's hard being human for a lot of people, if that was not true this site would not be so busy.

Thanks all for the inputs. Yes, my father, I strongly believe, is the reason why I am not sociable. Once he told me why you don't socialize while abroad since he is not there!! He thinks I would be sociable if he is not around me. He doesn't know that he instilled in me the fears; the automatic way of thinking to avoid people and get anxious. It is all subconscious.

I cannot set proper boundaries with my father, because there is only one way of living, which is his. As long as I conform to his wishes, then I am a good child. Otherwise, I am "destroying his life"!!! He pretends that I have the choice that he respects, but he only respects the decisions I make in accordance to his ways.

I have been in clashes with my parents since I returned. They want me to follow a road they draw for me, like a sheep. I must not question it or want to follow it.

YES, and unfortunately, while you can recognize that, especially now that you are home and around him, he is not going to see "his" failures from your past and even now. Yes, it's early programming that runs in the subconscious mind and even one's emotions.

Now, while you are recognizing this, as I mentioned, it's good to jot these statements he makes down so that you can work on helping yourself "not" say the same things to yourself. Just because your fathers says things doesn't mean they are true. Also, it doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to emotionally engage in it either.
That takes time to "slowly" distance from, but after a while you will gain on that.

I recognize all of that and I don't forget what he says to me (I remember things he said to me 15 years ago like it was yesterday). He is very harsh and have no empathy or sympathy to anyone's feelings under the cover that he "wants me to be happy"!!. He thinks he knows what makes me happy more than I do. That's absurd. Wake up. The problem is that he doesn't see himself and his patterns and manipulations to me, while I know all of that. First, he would pretend to respect you and give you space for a short while. Then he begins talking harsh to you on the hope of changing you (he gets to talk me like that "because he is my father" according to him!!! backward). Then, finally, he would use emotional manipulation like crying and saying that he is hurt and destroyed because of me... etc. I didn't budge to any of his techniques recently. Now, I don't talk my parents, I mean not even a word. It is sad, but I cannot pretend that everything is OK. We all will be fine when we begin respecting each others and accepting each others. I am flawed. Not sociable. Awkward. ... etc. I cannot change that. It is not like I like it, but I cannot do anything about it. I definitely won't change because my father thinks I am a shame to him or because he criticizes my personality.