I have a emotion that I both feel bad about and I don't: being mean. When I say that I don't mean that I am catty or say bad things about people. To me that is being evil. But I am just not willing to do things that others will.

For example. A coworker's son was somehow hurt very badly. He is on a ventilator and, if he survives, he will likely need assistance for the rest of his life. I was shocked to hear it. But then this happened.... she started a "go fund me" page for her expenses... and I found out that he is in this shape because he was drunk driving. All the notices that we received made no mention of how it happened. Of course..

Everyone is walking around donating to this go fund me page and shocked and horrified trying to support this woman who has the time to start a go fund me campaign.... there were also requests to donate leave to her.

Not me.

In fact it is everything I can do not to say how disgusting I find the whole thing. If MY loved one was in that shape I would NEVER be asking people to contribute to a fund. I would be curled up in a ball. The thought would never occur to me and I sure would never feel it was proper to ask people to do that.

Plus, the kid did it to himself. He was irresponsible and she was a bad mother for not driving this into his head and now somehow, I have to wring my hands and support her?

NO WAY.

It isn't about the money. I actually gave some to this little infant on there who has a genetic disease.

But this is the kind of reaction I have and everyone else seems to think I am mean or cold hearted. I feel that way too but I also feel like I am not. I can't really understand everyone else.

I won't say anything to offend but I will say that I am in the group that will never understand you. Try to remember that no one is perfect and I hardly believe that the poor boy you are speaking of intended to hurt himself. Sounds like it was a tragic accident.

Originally Posted by RaisingKay

I won't say anything to offend but I will say that I am in the group that will never understand you. Try to remember that no one is perfect and I hardly believe that the poor boy you are speaking of intended to hurt himself. Sounds like it was a tragic accident.

See I don't understand how this is a tragedy. He had a choice as to whether to drink -- he did -- he had a choice if he was going to drive he did. Completely foreseeable that he could get into an accident. Lucky he didn't hurt anyone else.

Tragedy to me is when no one does anything wrong and it all goes to heck anyway.

I don't know if he intended to hurt himself but he sure threw caution to the wind and I don't see why he or his family should he rewarded for that.

Whereas there are so many people who will do anything to live, such as the aforementioned little boy who has a genetic disease that could kill him, that need assistance.

[Hobbit House]

People should be held responsible for their actions. I don't agree with the whole go fund me thing... however I do agree that.he does need a little understanding.. Anyone can make a mistake.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, everyone has his own way to view things.. I don't completely agree with you, but I think that makes you mean. You've expressed your reasoning quite well.

[Sunflower123]

Not giving to the go fund me I understand. As Mickey said ...everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you gave good reasons for your point of view. I would say it appears that you have a low level of empathy. Would you agree with that? Best wishes.

[Wunderland]

If I had a son who was in a traumatic accident resulting in a permanent disability, I'd be devastated, no matter how he got into the accident in the first place.

This mother seems to be doing whatever she can to care for her son's expenses. It seems like she is in dire straits. If I started a fund for my child, I'd never forget the people who donated a sum of money out of kindness.

It sounds like you have a low level of empathy.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I have a emotion that I both feel bad about and I don't: being mean. When I say that I don't mean that I am catty or say bad things about people. To me that is being evil. But I am just not willing to do things that others will.

For example. A coworker's son was somehow hurt very badly. He is on a ventilator and, if he survives, he will likely need assistance for the rest of his life. I was shocked to hear it. But then this happened.... she started a "go fund me" page for her expenses... and I found out that he is in this shape because he was drunk driving. All the notices that we received made no mention of how it happened. Of course..

Everyone is walking around donating to this go fund me page and shocked and horrified trying to support this woman who has the time to start a go fund me campaign.... there were also requests to donate leave to her.

Not me.

In fact it is everything I can do not to say how disgusting I find the whole thing. If MY loved one was in that shape I would NEVER be asking people to contribute to a fund. I would be curled up in a ball. The thought would never occur to me and I sure would never feel it was proper to ask people to do that.

Plus, the kid did it to himself. He was irresponsible and she was a bad mother for not driving this into his head and now somehow, I have to wring my hands and support her?

NO WAY.

It isn't about the money. I actually gave some to this little infant on there who has a genetic disease.

But this is the kind of reaction I have and everyone else seems to think I am mean or cold hearted. I feel that way too but I also feel like I am not. I can't really understand everyone else.

I agree with you and I don't think you're a bad person.

Drunk drivers or anybody who needlessly threaten the lives and well beings of others are unworthy of empathy and deserve to suffer as far as I'm concerned.

The son of your coworker's made his bed and he needs to live with the consequences of his stupidity. I wouldn't donate a penny to somebody who was hurt off of his own stupidity even if I was a millionaire because there are plenty of people who are dying from legitimate issues that they didn't choose to have (drunk driving is a choice) who would get my help before some imbecile drunk driver.

There is nothing wrong with your way of thinking. If anything, it's rational which is something that I respect.

[leejosepho]

It is disgusting that someone would drive drunk, it is disgusting that a mother would also suffer because of that and there is nothing at all wrong with being high-principled and discerning. But before condemning either of those people, first be certain none of the rest of us have ever done anything unwise...and also please be sure to know the man's mother is not in any way whatsoever responsible for his adult actions.

[Shadix]

Honestly, I find that most people think like you to some extent, and I can never seem to understand it because I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I find that I am overcome with empathy, even for people whom everyone sees as "deserving" of their fate. The best example of this is convicted criminals and their families. I have found that people in the mainstream are often elated to see a criminal get slapped with a long prison sentence, and they are not swayed by thoughts of how their mothers, fathers, siblings, children will suffer. Whenever I see this attitude displayed it always strikes me as cruel and heartless, and I can't see it any other way.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

See I don't understand how this is a tragedy. He had a choice as to whether to drink -- he did -- he had a choice if he was going to drive he did. Completely foreseeable that he could get into an accident. Lucky he didn't hurt anyone else.

Tragedy to me is when no one does anything wrong and it all goes to heck anyway.

I don't know if he intended to hurt himself but he sure threw caution to the wind and I don't see why he or his family should he rewarded for that.

Whereas there are so many people who will do anything to live, such as the aforementioned little boy who has a genetic disease that could kill him, that need assistance.

Whoa! That post is cold as ice. I suspect you are totally unfamiliar with addiction and have no empathy for an addict. Yet, you are here on PC looking for some kind of support for yourself, no? Perhaps you have no children and don't understand a mother's love? You've never over indulged in anything in your life?

You think a family with a severely injured child is going to benefit? Have you ever seen a doctor bill? A hospital bill? Insurance doesn't cover everything if they are lucky enough to have insurance. That family is going through great pain. I doubt they are going to feel rewarded in the end.

You must be very fortunate in life to have skirted hardship. To never have witnessed a loved one suffer from an addiction, from illness, from poverty.

I imagine there are plenty of people on "go fund me" and there are hundreds of worthy charities. We all get to select who we donate to, if any. It is your right not to give for whatever reason. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. In fact, I'd say if you are close to these people, then you might want to keep negative thoughts to yourself. A family suffering through what you describe is more than paying a price for a bad decision.

Originally Posted by RaisingKay

Whoa! That post is cold as ice. I suspect you are totally unfamiliar with addiction and have no empathy for an addict. Yet, you are here on PC looking for some kind of support for yourself, no? Perhaps you have no children and don't understand a mother's love? You've never over indulged in anything in your life?

Not trying to fight with you or anybody else here but I need to make a point.

I've known plenty of addicts including a relative that's in his 50s and has been an alcoholic most of his life.

With that being said, resorting to drunk driving requires more than simply being an alcoholic; it requires somebody to completely lack common sense.

Telling people that they should have empathy for a drunk driver that got themselves injured in a car wreck that was caused by their own stupidity is like saying that we should have empathy for rapists and child abusers because they have mental health issues too and need help.

There is a line you do not cross no matter what and if you cross that line, than you have lost the right for people's empathy as far as I'm concerned.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Not trying to fight with you or anybody else here but I need to make a point.

I've known plenty of addicts including a relative that's in his 50s and has been an alcoholic most of his life.

With that being said, resorting to drunk driving requires more than simply being an alcoholic; it requires somebody to completely lack common sense.

Telling people that they should have empathy for a drunk driver that got themselves injured in a car wreck that was caused by their own stupidity is like saying that we should have empathy for rapists and child abusers because they have mental health issues too and need help.

There is a line you do not cross no matter what and if you cross that line, than you have lost the right for people's empathy as far as I'm concerned.

First of all, my post was directed to Emily Fox, not you. You have taken my post personally. But since you have addressed me, I will direct this to you. I suspect, of course I could be wrong, that you have been around alcoholics but do not really "know" them. The word "simply" and alcoholic do not go together. There is nothing simple about it. An alcoholic, and I'm going to extend this comment to functioning alcoholics as well, has no concept of common sense. That is not even a choice. If you knew an alcoholic, as you say you do, you would know that.

I'm not telling you who to have empathy for but don't tell me either.

Originally Posted by RaisingKay

First of all, my post was directed to Emily Fox, not you. You have taken my post personally. But since you have addressed me, I will direct this to you. I suspect, of course I could be wrong, that you have been around alcoholics but do not really "know" them. The word "simply" and alcoholic do not go together. There is nothing simple about it. An alcoholic, and I'm going to extend this comment to functioning alcoholics as well, has no concept of common sense. That is not even a choice. If you knew an alcoholic, as you say you do, you would know that.

I'm not telling you who to have empathy for but don't tell me either.

I know but I felt like I had to speak up since I left a reply agreeing with her and I felt obligated to defend her because she has supported me in multiple threads.

I find it rather amusing though that you are saying that alcoholics lack common sense on a thread on a support forum which any alcoholic could click on and read which directly contradicts your claim about the OP being in the wrong because you are doing the same thing more or less.

We all make our choices in life and our choices often have consequences behind them. If somebody does something foolish and endangers innocent people in the process, I have absolutely zero empathy for them once karma comes back to bite them in the butt.

I sympathize with alcoholics. I neither sympathize nor empathize with drunk drivers.

[CF17]

Originally Posted by RaisingKay

Whoa! That post is cold as ice. I suspect you are totally unfamiliar with addiction and have no empathy for an addict. Yet, you are here on PC looking for some kind of support for yourself, no? Perhaps you have no children and don't understand a mother's love? You've never over indulged in anything in your life?

You think a family with a severely injured child is going to benefit? Have you ever seen a doctor bill? A hospital bill? Insurance doesn't cover everything if they are lucky enough to have insurance. That family is going through great pain. I doubt they are going to feel rewarded in the end.

You must be very fortunate in life to have skirted hardship. To never have witnessed a loved one suffer from an addiction, from illness, from poverty.

I imagine there are plenty of people on "go fund me" and there are hundreds of worthy charities. We all get to select who we donate to, if any. It is your right not to give for whatever reason. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. In fact, I'd say if you are close to these people, then you might want to keep negative thoughts to yourself. A family suffering through what you describe is more than paying a price for a bad decision.

I was about to write the same thing. You couldn't have said it better. I would add that compassion is a feeling shared by evolved human beings only.

Drunk driving is a huge problem, and we have to fight hard, educating people about it. However, alcoholism is an extremely painful addiction. They need as much help as we do. Every case is a different case, so the author of this post doesn't provide the details of the accident and how was the guy's situation at that moment. One thing I know for sure, you can not blame the parents. We are responsible for our own actions, we were born alone and will die alone; I've seen so many people with good education that did so many horrible things and some, who were abandoned, neglected, or mistreated by their parents that turned out to be decent folks, so that's not an excuse.

Regardless of the motives, if you can't be selfless and have sympathy for someone who is in a terrible condition, you have to get yourself evaluated immediately. We have no right to judge anyone.

[Turtle_Rider]

I'm half agree and half disagree. I'm agree about lack of empathy towards the son. It's his fault, he made it himself. But disagree with mother part. I don't see it's her fault. Parents should watch over their children, but it does not mean that they always responsible with their children actions.

I don't see you're mean. Your reason still acceptable. I would still donate through, not because for the son, but for the mom. And only if the son learn his lessons.

Originally Posted by RaisingKay

Whoa! That post is cold as ice. You think a family with a severely injured child is going to benefit? Have you ever seen a doctor bill? A hospital bill? Insurance doesn't cover everything if they are lucky enough to have insurance. That family is going through great pain. I doubt they are going to feel rewarded in the end.

It is you who has taken a lot of facts that are not in evidence. The "child" is over 20 and your assuming there is an addiction. There is no evidence of that. He made a mistake and was punished but I don't see why I or anyone should be making that punishment less severe.

I do think perhaps I lack empathy but isn't it possible everyone else has become TOOO empathic? Plus where is empathy for people who are more deserving... such as I mentioned that there was another fund set up for a little baby that, through no fault of his own, has a genetic disease that could kill him at 5. I mean that is where my empathy goes and I did give to that.

I love when people say I have been "lucky" enough to avoid hardship. No I have methodically insured that I avoid hardship by avoiding situations that could expose me to risk. When I have had bad things happen to me... there was no go fund me page for me. Even though insurance does not cover all expenses for me and my family. Zero empathy for me.

But I don't particularly want to get off on that subject... in the end... I just have more "mean" instincts. Or I don't feel like I am ruled by my emotions. I do have some empathy but usually with all the things that *need* my empathy it has to be reserved for those who are most deserving - not who is just standing next to me.

[shakespeare47]

I hope my parents would be as caring and helpful, if I did something stupid and hurt myself badly.

On the other hand, you can't exactly force yourself to feel something you don't feel. I don't think you're being mean. The only thing you didn't do is donate money (and you explained why). There's no shame in that.

Originally Posted by CF17

We have no right to judge anyone.

Why don't we? I have never understood this. We can judge, we are in fact forced to when we sit in a group of 12 on a jury. I have every right to judge. And no one has never pointed me to anything that casts doubt on that. But also, assuming that it is not nice to Judge... as a social convention.. when someone actively solicits my money, leave time, and support.. do I not then have some right to judge before giving? Why do they have a right to cause a problem with full abandon and then I am just compelled to help them?

It sounds like this was has been a difficult crisis for this family. I cannot imagine the stress and anguish if one of my own sons was severely injured and hospitalized following an accident. The suddenness of the crisis, the uncertainty of the outcome, the stress of the unexpected financial burdens not just from the bills but probably loss of income due to missing work to be by their side. It is a great deal to deal with. Add the additional paradox that their accident was a result of their own mistake, and it just multiplies.

People make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes have very serious consequences. They don't intend for their actions to result in those consequences, but sometimes they do.

What if this was a person who got drunk at a party and then was assaulted? Would they be deserving of empathy then? Or, would the same apply? "They chose to drink and attend the party, so it's their fault and I have no sympathy for their situation."

What is if was a woman who had sex and ended up pregnant because in the heat of the moment, they didn't use birth control? Now her life is forever changed due to the error of those minutes in her life. Would she be deserving of empathy? Or, would the same apply? "She chose not to keep her legs crossed and she didn't use protection, so it's her fault and I have no sympathy for the situation."

What if this was a person who made a suicide attempt? Would they be deserving of empathy then? Or, would the same apply? "They chose to try to kill themselves when there were resources available to them, so it's their fault their bills are stacking up and I have no sympathy for their situation."

People make errors in their life. Unless this was someone who had a repeated history of drinking and driving, which you haven't indicated, it sounds like this was a young adult who went out to have fun, and made some poor decisions that resulted in really bad consequences for him and his family. I am NOT saying drinking and driving is okay. I AM saying that if this was a one-time error as is the unfortunate case so many times, I would feel badly for the situation this family has been left in. Would I contribute? I don't know, but I wouldn't feel the need to vocalize my views to others; sometimes keeping our mouths shut is the best help we can give.

I think most of us have made stupid decisions that had serious consequences, and we are grateful to those who didn't condemn us as unworthy of sympathy and second chances in life. I'm glad to hear there are people in this person's life willing to show support and forgiveness in such a difficult time; it sounds like they will need that kind of friendship and love as they move forward and through this crisis.

[CF17]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Why don't we? I have never understood this. We can judge, we are in fact forced to when we sit in a group of 12 on a jury. I have every right to judge. And no one has never pointed me to anything that casts doubt on that. But also, assuming that it is not nice to Judge... as a social convention.. when someone actively solicits my money, leave time, and support.. do I not then have some right to judge before giving? Why do they have a right to cause a problem with full abandon and then I am just compelled to help them?

First and foremost, I respect you and everyone else, don't take me wrong. If my words sounded aggressive, I apologize.

I would like to point that you are not judging a crime, like a group of 12 juries. You are judging the mother's decision to ask for help. What she can legally do at anytime; it's up to people to decide if they want to contribute or not. You even said that he paid for his mistakes, so let it be.

What I meant when I said that nobody can judge, its because nobody is perfect to do so. Everyone makes mistakes, even unconsciously. A mistake in here could perfectly be a crime somewhere else, so how can you even measure and tell a small sin from a big one? Think about it.

It's always better to wish good things to the others, regardless of what they have done. Forgiveness and compassion are beneficial for your own soul. Wish you the best.
CF17

[Master Chin]

It is normal to get angry at different times. Don't worry too much about this. I think everyone has to deal with anger at some point in their life.

Because I know everyone was so concerned... apparently this kid is healing amazingly. He is off the ventilator and though not talking yet... it is expected he will recover.

And the cynic in me thinks that this was over blown to get sympathy.

[divine1966]

Driving drunk is a horrible thing but we are talking about motherly love here. Emily do you have children? I can't imagine mother not willing to help her injured child because he drove drunk? You aren't obligated to donate of course but you don't understand what mother might feel either?