Still too obsessed with celebrity crushes

I've made a post about this subject before, a while ago. It was a different famous guy I had a HUGE crush on, but got so obsessed with his personal life and past divorce because some of his music was so intense that it triggered a lot of wounds from my parents divorcing. I couldn't stop thinking negative thoughts, about him and his past relationship woes, depression, imagined fights, etc. It actually prevented me from living my life and being productive.

After a while I started to fear that my obsessive thoughts would cause him more problems due to the power of the law of attraction. I can't decide whether or not I believe that so literally, or whether it's a bunch of crap. But then he started to appear miserable and no longer had a wedding ring on his finger, leading me to totally melt down and believe that the worst I feared actually happened; that I CAUSED his new, happy marriage to end with my obsessive negative thoughts about him.

And when I say melt down, I had regular panic attacks. Almost every single waking second of my life was severe anxiety, shortness of breath, crying, disassociation, eating problems, digesting problems, etc. The guilt of what I allegedly did to him that I couldn't stop was eating me alive. My panic was so constant that after pacing around with thoughts swirling I decided to play a YouTube guided meditation about anxiety and obsessive thoughts, with tears streaming down my cheeks, BEGGING for rest from my misery. It miraculously worked, and I was able to relax and take a nap for a while.

I was going to therapy before and after this happened, and eventually started to unravel some past traumas from my parents divorcing that may have contributed to how I think and react now. [trigger warning]
It was horribly toxic. They both fought constantly in front of us, and my mom took it very hard and pitted us against our dad. She even told me she considered hanging herself in the laundry room of our new place, a while later. The only thing that made sense for why I would feel so guilty is that somewhere deep down, I may have subconsciously believed that I CAUSED the divorce. Somehow, telling myself that I must have deep down believed that, regardless of how illogical I know it is, made me immediately feel better about those traumas.

One of the other major things to get me off that guy's obsession, though, was to dive into a NEW celebrity crush with a new guy- one much more positive and funny. That way I could stop the obsessive thoughts by replacing them with the fun and love of someone else.

This worked for a long time, and I was happy and free from my past obsessions. I even stopped going to therapy because my therapist and I mutually decided that I was doing well enough to make that step.

This new guy, though, also makes music about relationship woes and past hurts, and has a bit of a dark sense of humor sometimes. I've found myself lately getting caught up in worry about him, too. I mean INTENSE worry, about someone I don't even know, yet I think I do, to the point where it distracts me from my real life.

Today he made a social media remark/joke referring to wanting to end it all, and I broke down crying, and posted threads of concern in a couple fan groups. Then I decided I better do something, before I regret having done nothing, and actually sent him a personal message on social media. I wished him well, told him how much I loved him, that I was REALLY concerned about his recent remark, and that he's not alone and should reach out if he needs to.

A little later, comments poured in to my threads on those fan groups from other fans, saying it was clearly just a joke, he's talked about being really happy lately (even though I don't believe him that much), and that I really shouldn't take this so seriously. Filled with embarrassment (and a little relief if everybody is truly right and it's all in my head), I deleted those threads, then hurriedly deleted the direct message I sent.

I don't think my therapist and I talked enough about WHY I'm so deeply, obsessively concerned about the mental health of people I don't know in real life and have no connection with outside of a fan basis. Because I haven't stopped.

It's not enough to just say, "Oh, it's fine, it's their life. Don't worry about them. Just enjoy their work." or "They've got family and friends to care for them. It's not your job." I still can't shake the visceral worry about them.

Now my main emotion is pure embarrassment. He does seem to be happy and have higher energy today after that initial post that scared me, so maybe it was just dark humor and nothing more. I hope all these people who saw my posts don't think I'm a loser and a freak. I may have already lost tons of respect from people. One of those groups contains a few people who are ACTUALLY friends of him who would see that, and I made a concerned post like that before. I'm worried about cultivating a reputation of me being an obsessive, pathetic loser stalker that nobody has any choice but to look down on and avoid.

I especially hope I didn't offend him with my well meaning message, if he even read it before I deleted it, thinking that I'm treating him like a baby and not like an equal, strong person who's capable of living his life. Perhaps I get so worried like this because I want control... that's what I read whenever I try to Google "being overly worried about somebody else" over and over and over again to try to find SOME helpful advice for my situation whenever this anxiety pops up. I usually get accusatory, negative answers; being a selfish control freak, caring more about yourself than others, being manipulative, etc. I'm not trying to do that.

Maybe I do this because my mom has always babied me and I can't tell her I'm feeling bad without her freaking out and asking a bunch of follow up questions, instead of just telling me what I WANT to hear: "It's okay. *insert sage life advice*". I should probably also mention that I still live with her, in my late 20s, and think of moving out but know she reacts VERY negatively and hurt to the very idea of me leaving and "abandoning" her.

For years I've thought about getting into a REAL relationship with a guy so that I could stop obsessing over celebrities, but dating has never worked out for me. It's always ended in quick disappointment and pain. So I've stopped even trying to date. How am I supposed to NOT be desperate, in any situation? I feel like I can't stop going into over-protective, over-caring mode making people pity me and avoid me. My mom is like that too. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE HER. How do I stop?

Blue I don't have answers but wanted to leave you a hug.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of anxiety and that is being projected into your crushes(crushes in themselves are normal). I can relate to obsessively Googling to find answers but as you found out there is a lot of c**p out there on the internet, no you are not those bad things you read about. You are struggling with anxieties and other past traumas besides, the answers will not be on Google.

If guided meditation vids work for you then that's great you've found something that helps. If I have any advice for you it's to try to develop hobbies and socialise outside of the home, to branch out a little. Doing these things can provide a distraction and hopefully keep your anxious mind busy - this is what I found.

Lastly no your thoughts and feelings do not have the power to impact on those we've never met. In fact our circle of influence is actually pretty small even among people we do interact with, this includes your mother - you most definitely are not responsible for her either.

Take good care.

I just want to say that I was in the same boat. However, I let go of my crush/obsession and moved on. I figured it was the only way I could regain sanity and focus on my life. It also helped that he married and had a kid. That really made me sit down and realize that my obsession needed to go, otherwise I would be an unhealthy individual.

I hope you get to the same point I did and are able to move on and focus on your life.

I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know I hear you and am sending big hugs. It sounds like you need a little more time with your therapist. Good luck.

What activities to you have that engage your thoughts? Step away from the internet and try doing something else.

(((Blue)))

I'm sorry you're feeling so so so bad

I recognize that this might sound weird but something that helped me re-frame my childhood experience (in which I felt guilty about stuff that was, in retrospect, clearly not my fault) was learning about Family Systems Therapy. I don't know enough about it to give a good summary here, but it has to do with, like... for example, my mom needed someone to take care of (because she's making up for the fact that she didn't get taken care of enough in *her* childhood), and I unconsciously recognized that so I became ill and dependent on her. Or like my parents needed someone to blame for their marital woes so I recognized that unconsciously and became "a problem child." I dunno; I'm not explaining it in any kind of way that makes sense, but it's worth a Google. (I learned about it by reading a book called "The Process of Change," which gives a lot of real-life examples of this kind of therapy. I think the particular therapy that they talk about in this book is really weird, but the theory they use is interesting.)

Other potential Google search terms might be "projection" or "displacement?"

If nothing else, know you're not alone in having guilt about things that you intellectually understand you did not cause.

Thanks. You know, that's actually a really good point. I've been thinking lately that maybe I NEED to be worried about these guys I have crushes on. I need them to be sick and in need of help, so that in a way, I feel needed and wanted. I've never actually been in a relationship, only awkward and disappointing dates. This is a whole subject in and of itself, that propelled a lot of my self hatred and suicidal ideations. Maybe if I had a real life relationship, I wouldn't be so highly keyed in to the slightest emotional cues of people I have crushes on. Of course that makes it seem like I need to quickly and desperately jump into a relationship to solve my mental problems... which is highly unlikely to solve much.

So which is it? Do I get a relationship to save my mental health, or stay single and work on myself? As long as I'm single, I still obsess over a guy I've never met. I work in a black and white scenario of either running away from any relationships and burying myself in a hole, away from all social contact, OR being like my mom in the past and desperately chasing after a man caring for her, and completely losing herself in him and being a slave to him. I've never been taught a healthy in between, so I can't really recognize how to make that happen.

No new responses?

I'm sorry no one has responded, Blue.

FYI, no relationship can "save your mental health" because depending on a relationship to "save you" just sets you up for failure and being ultimately crushed in the end. It's always a good idea to stay single and work on yourself so that you can overcome your issues. That way, you can achieve your goals and everything else sort of falls into place (including relationships, if that's what you're into).