What Am I Doing Wrong?

According to sources I do everything right: Exercise, eat pretty healthy and not over eat. Don't do drugs or drink alcohol. I'm spiritual, so I meditate, pray and do spiritual activities. When I can, I listen to and help other people. I care a lot. I got my weight down to a healthy weight range, my body image issues are nearly entirely resolved. I don't hate myself nearly as much as I used to. I think I'm pretty cool, albeit not perfect. I work, take care of finances to the best of my ability. Am poor but grateful. Take my meds and attend appointments.

But I am often an emotional wreck, or emotionally unstable. I've had maybe....three emotional break downs within the past 3 months. I don't seem to handle emotions well at all. And I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I try so very, very hard to be healthy, keep it together. But then I crumble. I even keep a regular journal to deal with thoughts and emotions and I still have issues. I don't know what to do.

Unfortunately I don't know what to tell you about this. I've had similar concerns. No matter how much I might want to be different than I am, psychologically speaking, in the end I always just seem to end up reacting in the same old ways.

I read, fairly regularly, about how pathways get worn into the brain, sort-of like ruts in a dirt road. And the longer one's thoughts & emotions continue to run down those pathways, the "deeper" they become & the harder it is to get out of them. I've also read that a lot more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically like to believe. And, then too, perhaps there's a genetic component mixed in here as well.

I think, whatever the cause(s), the reality is it can take a long time, & a lot of work, to establish new patterns in the way one reacts to things especially when it comes to such things as emotions. When all is calm & everything is going well one can, perhaps, manage to be more thoughtful... more emotionally balanced. But when the going gets rough the tendency, I think, is simply to fall back into those same old well-worn patterns.

You mentioned you take med's & attend appointments. I don't know if you also see a therapist. If not, that might be something to consider if you can. I think having the opportunity to delve into this, to discuss incidents where you broke down emotionally & how you might have handled the situations differently, over time might help you to implement new ways of managing your emotions. I do think you probably would need to keep doing this repeatedly over a period of time though. Simply discussing it occasionally with a family member or friend, or even with a therapist, isn't likely to result in the kind of lasting change you want to achieve I don't believe. The way of handling emotions you want to change has presumably been in place a long time. It's likely to take time & work to change them. Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

Don't suppress your feelings. Feelings are a natural part of healing. As you heal, you will experience even more feelings!

((((unfoldingxwings)))) Trust me, you've already accomplished a lot. Be proud of yourself. Of course, there's still work to do, but you're definitely on the right path Do you see a therapist? I'd continue on this path and maybe seek professional help if these breakdowns continue

To answer everyone: I was in therapy, but then they released me from it. I'm considering going back into it. Because I thought I was done and didn't need it anymore. My therapist thought so too, but now I'm not so sure. It's like...different things have come up now that I didn't know were issues back then. My spirituality helps a lot. But if I can train myself to react to things in a different way, then it would definitely be worth my time. So I called and made an appointment. I'm going to go in with a list of things I want to work on.

((((unfoldingxwings)))) Let us know how it goes.

I too have noticed similar issues in my life. With years, I have learned to become more aware and in control of my behavior and to force myself into calming down, but it always follows after "the damage has already been done".

I have a strong tendency for "avalanche memories" effect. If someone insults me, I always feel a sudden uncontrolled rush of memories of all those moments when I was under attack (both emotional and physical), especially from the time of my school years. These memories rush down like an avalanche, bringing more and more other similar memories and emotions with them, and at the end it all always trigger physical reactions - I get shaky and switch to "fight or flight" mode.

Of course, as soon as I become aware of that, I can calm myself down and adjust my final behavior to not appear very stressed out, but it doesn't change the fact that I had this "avalanche" in the first place. No matter what I try, I can't get rid of it, despite the fact that I'm currently already 38 and my self-esteem is not that low as it was in school years. Maybe some meds could help, but I don't want to take meds every day just to be protected against these avalanches that occur maybe once a weak or even less often.

Maybe I should blame the fact that I'm an introverted person and, as far as I know, science has proven that introverts have this tendency for very deep associative links and long-term memories. It's just how the brain is wired. I can only accept that it will always work that way and try to somehow desensitize myself to make the effects of it less intense and shorter by switching my awareness to some other activity. For example, recently I started learning to play a clarinet, and I find that it helps tremendously to take away the stress and to push my emotions out through intense - and musical - breathing.

So, I can only suggest you to find some way to transform and express those emotions in constructive ways. Even pain can be expressed constructively as a form of art.

Take care and be safe.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I hope you can find one that will help you. I have heard dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can help with those overwhelming emotions (although I have not tried it myself).

Here's a link to some more information about it: An Overview of Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Maybe you can look for a therapist who is trained in DBT. Just a suggestion.