I recently read a question in the game section of these forums asked by a member to the next one to answer "what's your best day you have ever had?". I tried to think to answer the question, but I couldn't. I didn't remember one single day I feel it is best day I have ever had in my life!! My life of ~40 years has nothing to be remembered. I have no good memory to cherish. None. I even didn't attend my graduations, all three of them. This has been my life: meaningless. Now, because of my experience I don't plan to have children who are the source of joy for many normal human beings. So, probably I will spend my life just like this. Alone and lonely, with no good memory to remember, and die and be forgotten with no trace of ever been lived one day.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm very sorry my question caused you pain.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate, @Nxious! It is hard when it seems like nothing good has happened in our Lives. But we have to keep fighting and hope for a better future. Please do NOT give up! Life isn't over yet and there's still time for you to tunr things over and live an happy and peaceful Life. I'm not sure what you're doing right now to help yourself, if you're seeing a therapist and whatnot, but whathever you do I wish you Peace and Love for you and all the people you care about! Please keep fighting and NEVER give up hope! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Nxious, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for WHO YOU TRULY ARE! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME for Advice and Support! I'm sure plenty of others will help you out as well! Please NEVER give up hope AND PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Things can still get better! THAT'S A PROMISE!

No wonder I feel low all the time. All my life has been just studying. For what? Nothing. Just to end up pathetic and self-pitying loser. If I knew this is how my life would turn out to be, I wouldn't have studied and wasted time and money for nothing. These resources could have been given to someone else who is more fit to live and contribute to society.

Funny how I was thinking I would be happy when I finish school and I will have a family and a lead a normal life with a stable job, a house and car ... etc. All was just a mirage, and illusion I will never reach.

My only option now is just to accept my fate and live in peace with it. Trying to change it is not working. It's not for me this life. My mind isn't wired to live with people. I probably would have been happy as hermit or as a monk, but now that I am no longer a believer, this isn't an option either.

This what happens when you are weak mentally and emotionally, have no character and no confidence whatsoever, with zero social skills. Being intellectually smart is irrelevant in this world if you don't have social skills, although I don't consider myself intelligent, as intelligence implies adaptability, and I am far from adaptable.

All my life I have been afraid of social interactions and I avoided it whenever I could. Even when I go to grocery stores, the cashiers don't seem to be happy dealing with me, just based on my face expressions and general look as I barely do or say anything. They say "hi how are you? and have a good day" to the person in front of me, but when it's my turn, they don't say anything. No hi, and nothing. I probably communicate non-friendly non verbal signals. That's why I prefer to go to stores where they have self check-out machines, because I don't have to deal with people.

I speak and no one listens, and no one speaks and I listen.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm listening I just am not very good at answering. Always worried I will say the wrong thing. But you are being heard

Thanks. I am in a very bad place. Nothing in my life is working, and if it wasn't for my parents, I would be living on the streets right now. Painful reality. I need some emotional support. People in real life don't care. Recently I reached out to the employment services office in my city again to help me find a job, and they told me I am not eligible now for another one-on-one training!! I need to wait another 6 months to be eligible again!! To see a psychiatrist there is a waiting line of 3+ months. I cannot afford private ones. The people I know stopped responding to me. Just in the last month I reached out to two people, and both told me I will get back to you later, and they never did. I live 1000s of miles away from family in a foreign country. I am completely alone here with no help or anyone to listen or check on me. A doctor I visited recently asked me to bring someone for a procedure with partial anesthesia, and I told her I don't know anyone. She told me if you want to do it, you have to bring someone with you to take you home after I will probably just cancel it.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm so sorry you are stuck in a situation like that. If it helps you can message me anytime. I will always get back with you but I'm only on late at night so it might take a few to get back to you if you message me during the day. I work 3rd shift and spend most of my night here.

I know talking online doesn't take the place of real live conversation but if you ever want to chat I'm here.

Nxious, are you living in a foreign country outside the U.S., or does your family? I thought you were living in the U.S. at the moment. Try the free clinics where you live. They tend to have mental health counseling resources.

I am no longer me. I am not a nice person. Everyone hates me. They want me to be happy and sociable to acknowledge me. I am not sociable and I cannot help it. This is how I am. But in this world there is no place for people like me. Of course I can be whatever I want, but you don't get what you want. You have to fake. You have to be someone else. There is no place for everyone. Only for those who conform. Conform to the norm. To the majority who are normal sociable human beings.

Today I questioned myself if I am really a human. I don't feel like I am. I have a shape of a human, but from the inside I am not. My thoughts and my mental processes are not adapted to live in society. Change then, they say. They don't know anything about change. Change doesn't happen on will or wish. It's a complicated transformation.

Recently I asked my only two supervisors for letter of recommendations to apply for a job I am interested in, and both haven't replied to me. I KNOW they think I am lazy and not competent. One of them actually told me "this is what you get when you don't do well", talking about why I am struggling to find a job!! I wasn't feeling good and I was socially isolated, but how could an 18 months determine my whole professional career?!! This 18 months have ruined my life with a supervisor who undermined me all the time, even when I did well. Without a job my situation is 1000x worse. At least I was going and seeing people, even if I wasn't talking to them. Now I am COMPLETELY isolated, have no self-esteem, and with no accomplishments, and with 3 years employment gaps, how can I ever find a job? But this is my priority now. To get a job. And then I need to start building my life and start over.

My social problems are the cause of all of this, and my childhood abuse is the cause of my social problems. I will never forgive my father for his abuse and how he ruined my life. All his money means nothing to me. Sometimes, I feel I am revenging from him. He thought he could make us successful by abusing us. I want him to admit he was wrong and to apologize for his abuse and to stop treating me like a puppet. My siblings suffered from him, too, especially the older ones. Now they are married and have children and busy with their lives.

But me, I am still angry, bitter, and indignant. I keep repeating myself. Probably it's the OCD. People don't believe me when I talk about my childhood abuse. Because they didn't see how actually my life has been. The situation I am in is years of ignoring. Years of not solving the problems. Years of pretending everything is OK. Suddenly, everything has collapsed.

I am far away from home, and people there (my relatives) still think I am successful. They don't know I am unemployed. Alone and lonely. A loser. I am off social media because I don't want to talk to anyone lest they know I am a loser. I also don't want to see how others live their lives.

I felt a pain in my chest. It has been occurring a lot lately. I should stop writing. I feel very angry now and frustrated yet helpless and hopeless.

[Lavenderlilly]

I feel you. Ironically I was just thinking the other day what if I needed to have a procedure and someone to drive me home, what would I do? I have no one as well. Are there any ads for home care ads on craigslist near you? Someone may do it for you for a reasonable price?? I'm sorry you are feeling alone, just know you are not alone in the feeling and you posting how you feel helped me to know I wasnt alone feeling this way. Thank you