[sinking]

I am so furious at myself i want to die and have planned It.

Just had to tell someone...

[TheGal]

Oh no, sinking...

Hugs if wanted...

Please be gentle with yourself.

If you want to talk more about your feelings, we are here.

[sinking]

Thank you... right now im numb again....

[sinking]

WHY do i wish and expect OTHERS to save ME and i dont seem able to do it MYSELF?

anyone can relate or has an answer?

[TheGal]

It's hard...

Do you find you can save others, though?

[sinking]

i keep trying saving others, but i never got to do it...

why?

[TheGal]

We sometimes look to save others instead of ourselves by means of filling the inner void.

[sinking]

This is brilliant, thank you!

[TheGal]

I learned that from a very good psychologist who was not only a therapist but a teacher.

She taught me many things including "codependency".

[sinking]

Could you please tell me more about codependency? i know what it is but id like to know what you have learned. thank you for sharing.
hugs

[TheGal]

I am still struggling with it, to be honest. I wasn't brought up to identify and look after my own needs. I often felt guilty for putting myself first. For wanting to be respected. That all stems from the dysfunctional dynamic in my "family of origin". A significant "inner void" developed in myself. That's because to survive in my family, I had to walk on eggshells and put the caregivers' needs ahead of my own. This is called "parentification".


I helped others before myself in hope that they would help me in return. I used to invest a lot in other people, instead of investing directly in myself.

The pattern repeated in my adult life and I, as a result, was in an abusive relationship with a "narcissist" who took advantage of me and whom I allowed to control me.

You might want to start a separate thread about codependency, so you can get feedback and different points of views from other people.

I did a quick search on this forum, and there are already some threads that you might wish to read:

codependency
https://mysupportforums.org/search.p...rchid=10167317

codependent
https://mysupportforums.org/search.p...rchid=10167321

Hugs to you, too!

[TheGal]

Also, have you heard of "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs"? I am looking into this so as I can start identifying my needs and take better care of myself.

[sinking]

Hi,

thank you for explaining me so well codependency and the logic behind it.

i think my case is different though. i have always had to emotionally provide comfort to myself alone and even if during the years i have tried to help others (mom especially - but also many other people met online), it never got to the point where i could not count on her on emergencies.

my doubts here come from WHY i want to reach emergencies to be taken care of or better, WHY, i want my doctors to get worried about me and save my life.

i've understood why i cannot do it myself, but i think its manipulative on my part to seek that from them and i hate it.

but im like that only with doctors, no one else knows of my daily struggles and plans to commit suicide.

why do i want doctors to save me from suicide?

or better, why do i want to attempt seriously and fail?

[TheGal]

Ah ok...

Maybe you are looking for unconditional love from your doctors?

[sinking]

I dont think its even that, i feel i already have it.

maybe i want them to see how "twisetd" i am for wanting to hurt myself (in any way) and tell me not to do it for xy reasons.

im looking for reasons not to hurt myself or kill myself. and i think only docs can give me that. maybe that why.

thank you for helping me thinking about this. its VERY important to me.

also, i feel kind of proud for wanting to hurt myself, i dont know why.

[TheGal]

I'll have to consider what you just said ... I don't have an answer off the top of my head.

Do you have a psychiatrist? Have you talked about this in a frank manner with them? I'd consider taking what you just wrote to them and having a deep discussion about it, asap.


Also, you need to consider editing your post to include "trigger warning" for the content about self harm that might be alarming for other people to read.

[sinking]

I have just spoken with my psych about this, she will help me. thank you for suggesting i talk with her honestly.

now i need to think some more. and i will edit the posts, thank you for reminding me.

hugs

[TheGal]

It is good to know that you connected with your psych and will talk honestly about this.

Let us know, if you want to, how you get along.

Hugs

[sinking]

It's all thanks to you @TheGal. THANK YOU
hugs

[TheGal]

Originally Posted by sinking

It's all thanks to you @TheGal. THANK YOU
hugs

Thank you! I truly feel for you. But give yourself credit, you are the one who did all the hard work - you posted on here for starters AND you called your psych!

Kudos to you!


Big hug!

[sinking]

Psych cant do anything except assisting to my self destruction. at least i wont be alone...

[TheGal]

Originally Posted by sinking

Psych cant do anything except assisting to my self destruction. at least i wont be alone...

Ask your psychiatrist to refer you to a good psychologist.

This is my take on your situation, so take what might be useful for you and leave the rest. Keep in mind that I don't know your entire story and that I am also coming at this from my own biases based on my set of life experiences.


Find a good psychologist: someone who understands not only classical psychotherapy, art/myth and philosophy but who also knows the techniques of dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), as well.

It is possible you may have to consult more than one person who can teach you how to manage yourself. Ultimately, you need to take responsibility for your own healing, but that doesn't mean doing it all alone. I hope that makes sense.


One thing that the good psychologist I had in the past said to me was that I'd have to "see myself within context" and to "see the paradoxes in which I live".

Somehow, to me, my paradoxes although contradictory on the outside seem very much to have an internal logic.

For instance...

Possible trigger:

Suicide might seem to be an act of being "out of control", when really it was, in my case or view, a means to "having control". To exert my control by taking my own life with such "hubris". A ultimate act of rebellion to win self by losing self.

You also need to look at the payoffs... even in destruction what are you getting out of it?

You seem to be a highly intellectual person and this can be good, but it can also be your Achilles Heel... yet another paradox.

You need to understand yourself and your motivations in an intellectual manner, but also find a way to cultivate a greater sense of "the being" and "the doing" (not only "the thinking" which if taken too far becomes masturbatory) by pursuing something like DBT which incorporates some Buddhist practices and mindfulness.

Or you might need a martial art to practice. Or something else that is really physical like swimming or jogging.


You also might consider doing some volunteer work to help others and ground yourself in the practical. I have a friend who finds great comfort in helping at a soup kitchen for people who do not have enough to eat. Some people prefer to help animals.

Rest assured that you are completely normal in the realm of the human condition and that it's a matter of putting together the pieces of the puzzle and figuring it all out.


Anyway, I hope some of what I've said helps.

Hugs, if wanted...

[sinking]

Thank you so much for your detailed and with so much insight answer. i'll have to think about it all, but just know that for me the logic is the same: its about getting control.

what i get from self destruction? peace of mind. i feel i deserve the worst and get and push myself to the limit. i get a clean conscience as if i deserved to be punished....

thats it for now, i'll have to think more about the rest of what you said.... and THANK YOU! you're the best! hugs

[TheGal]

I'm glad what I said could be of some use to you. I might eventually repost some of it in a new thread, in hope that it might be useful to others as well. Btw,I don't know about my being the best, however; I do understand the figure of speech... I'm just a fool looking to make my way in this world. haha I hope that makes sense... You know, by writing to you, it is helping me, too... so I thank you for the opportunity.


Anyway, now you have to ask yourself some important questions and do some deep introspection.

What questions are you going to ask yourself?

Do you find yourself curious about working on this puzzle?

Wishing you peace, love and hope...