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  #1  
Old Dec 23, 2019, 02:40 PM
DarkMagician DarkMagician is offline
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Does anyone else know what this feels like because it tortures me everyday. The feeling you get when people try to blame you for emotional suffering you're going through. I don't get why I can't find someone who's more understanding with me.
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  #2  
Old Dec 23, 2019, 03:22 PM
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LilyMop LilyMop is offline
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Maybe it would help to try and look at it from another angle. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn’t...

Is it at all possible people are trying to encourage you rather than actually blame you? That can feel like blame. It’s annoying for people to minimize your feelings but maybe they think they are helping?

Maybe people are pointing out where you have some better options? Maybe from someone else’s perspective, your situation just doesn’t look the same as it does to you.

Either way, is there something you can learn from the message they are giving you? I say this because I can think of times people were trying to communicate something to me and I just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand at the time.

If you find that people really are unfairly blaming you, well then you just need to try your best to tune it out. There’s a saying about not taking criticism from someone you would never take advice from. If that’s the case, then kindly move on.

Best wishes to you and I hope you feel better soon. There are plenty of people on PC who will listen without judgment or blame
  #3  
Old Dec 23, 2019, 05:15 PM
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Buffy01 Buffy01 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkMagician View Post
Does anyone else know what this feels like because it tortures me everyday. The feeling you get when people try to blame you for emotional suffering you're going through. I don't get why I can't find someone who's more understanding with me.
I understand how you feel. I feel like this all the time. I wish I had an answer as to why people treat people like this.
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Old Dec 23, 2019, 08:42 PM
Imokay2 Imokay2 is offline
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I've found this to be the case when I'm trying to communicate with someone who can't handle what I'm trying to talk about. This is what the professionals are here for. I wish I could talk to someone about these things, like a friend, but experience has taught me that I can't. I hope you have a good therapist or counselor. If not, maybe you can find one.
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Old Dec 25, 2019, 03:13 AM
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bpcyclist bpcyclist is offline
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Oh yeah, I get this a lot.
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  #6  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 04:04 AM
Anonymous48672
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Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post

Maybe people are pointing out where you have some better options? Maybe from someone else’s perspective, your situation just doesn’t look the same as it does to you.


Either way, is there something you can learn from the message they are giving you? I say this because I can think of times people were trying to communicate something to me and I just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand at the time.
Lily, I bolded these two paragraphs in your response because what you wrote, is a perfect example of minimizing someone's feelings.

Minimizing is psychological invalidation.

What you wrote in bold above, invalidates DarkMagician's feelings because you don't validate DarkMagician's feelings, but invalidate them. At least from my perspective that's what it appears as.

Maybe you don't realize it, but telling DarkMagician they have to learn something from being invalidated is rather mean.

I would never tell anyone how they should react or think or feel the way you have told DarkMagician. I don't think it's very respectful of DarkMagician's feelings. I'm trying to communicate something to you that I hope you could understand.
  #7  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 04:10 AM
Anonymous48672
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Originally Posted by DarkMagician View Post
Does anyone else know what this feels like because it tortures me everyday. The feeling you get when people try to blame you for emotional suffering you're going through. I don't get why I can't find someone who's more understanding with me.
I can empathize with you DarkMagician because my feelings get minimized (psychologically invalidated) by my family members anytime I try to talk to them about what I"m feeling or going through.

So yes, I know exactly what it feels like. My sister and brother blame me for feeling angry and sad about my circumstances, which is their way of psychologically invalidating my feelings because they don't like me.

I hope you can find someone who emotionally supports you. Everyone deserves to be emotionally supported.
  #8  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 04:41 AM
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seesaw seesaw is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
Maybe it would help to try and look at it from another angle. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn’t...

Is it at all possible people are trying to encourage you rather than actually blame you? That can feel like blame. It’s annoying for people to minimize your feelings but maybe they think they are helping?

Maybe people are pointing out where you have some better options? Maybe from someone else’s perspective, your situation just doesn’t look the same as it does to you.

Either way, is there something you can learn from the message they are giving you? I say this because I can think of times people were trying to communicate something to me and I just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand at the time.

If you find that people really are unfairly blaming you, well then you just need to try your best to tune it out. There’s a saying about not taking criticism from someone you would never take advice from. If that’s the case, then kindly move on.

Best wishes to you and I hope you feel better soon. There are plenty of people on PC who will listen without judgment or blame
Dark Magician, I do know what it feels like to go through this. When I was at my sickest and trying recover, members of my family blamed me for being sick, like I have control over having been traumatized, by them actually, and what it did to my brain chemistry having experienced abuse and trauma for over 20 years. I remember the abusive phone calls from my stepmom and bio dad accusing me of not doing enough and how they tried to put me in a group home (which was totally inappropriate and no one would have admitted me -they just wanted to get me out of view). I am sorry you are experiencing this too.

I agree with LilyMop that if you wouldnt take advice from these people then listening to their criticism is pointless as well. Sometimes we just have to tune the idiots out.

I went through phases in my recovery where people tried to "help" but their best intentions felt like blame. I doubt their intention is to invalidate you but rather to validate themselves. It's sort of a failing in their empathy towards you.

And as Lily said, you will find plenty of support here and people who can validate you and completely know what you are going through.

I found as I went through stages of recovery that there were some things I was ready to hear and some things I wasnt. They werent necessarily meant in ill will, but since no one else can live in my head, those people couldn't know that those statements were harmful, not helpful. If these people are close to you, the best thing to do is respectfully and politely ask them to not make such a statement and tell them it doesnt help you. I've had that conversation a few times, and it usually led to someone asking what could they say or do to help. And then I often got the help and support I really did need.

I hope this helps a little. I'm sorry you're feeling blamed for your illness. My bio father was super big on that and spread it through my family and it was very harmful. But i have fought back against that kind of thinking and I do feel better standing up for myself in that regard.

We are not to blame for our illness but we are responsible for the recovery or management of it. And that's the unfair part, but it's true. If you are ever feeling judged, shamed, blamed, you can always talk it out with us. We are always here to listen.
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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...

Last edited by seesaw; Dec 25, 2019 at 04:55 AM.
  #9  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 04:26 PM
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luvyrself luvyrself is offline
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Another word for invalidating someone and putting all the blame on them is ‘gaslighting”. Wow,I have so much trouble with that. For me, It s about setting boundaries or avoiding the person if possible. Lately I am trying to get my own neds met instead of trying to change the people who do this. I find the males in my family rely on this technique quite a bit. They obviously dont want to help. Duh, why punish myself by engaging with them!
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  #10  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 06:00 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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I wish I knew why...
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  #11  
Old Dec 25, 2019, 06:03 PM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I wish I knew why...
Because then they don’t have to admit any of their own culpability.
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