[Have Hope]

I am all alone with this. I cannot cope anymore. I almost feel suicidally depressed. This is not good. I am going downhill fast.

[LadyShadow]

So sorry you feel alone. I am really lonely too tonight. Just know there is someone out there is thinking of you on this Christmas Eve. I hope you feel better soon, ((HUGS))

[downandlonely]

I am sorry you feel so alone. If you're feeling suicidal, please call a hotline or go to the hospital.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

So sorry you feel alone. I am really lonely too tonight. Just know there is someone out there is thinking of you on this Christmas Eve. I hope you feel better soon, ((HUGS))

Thank you so much. I’m so very sorry you feel lonely too. ((((((( hugs))))))))

I’ve never felt so down. And I’ve never felt more alone.

Thinking of you too. Maybe make a wish.. a wish upon a star.

[Anxiety Princess]

I'm sorry that you're feeling alone, @Have Hope. I'm thinking of you as well.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I am sorry you feel so alone. If you're feeling suicidal, please call a hotline or go to the hospital.

Thank you. (((((Hugs)))))) I’m not to that point... almost but not quite. I just cannot cope anymore.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Anxiety Princess

I'm sorry that you're feeling alone, @Have Hope. I'm thinking of you as well.

Thank you, dear. It helps to feel someone cares. (((((Hugs))))))

[Have Hope]

I just spent time with my family. My smile is fake. My laughter is fake. I’m miserable and am dying inside. I’ve never felt more alone with my feelings than I do right now. I cannot talk to anyone. I can’t even talk to my husband about how depressed I am. This is the worst holiday. I hate it. I wish I could cancel it. I want to run away and run far away.

[Anxiety Princess]

(((((Have Hope))))) I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. I understand how it feels to be dying inside and yet still manage to smile and laugh like nothing is wrong and everything is right with the world. Is there anything that you can think of that would make you genuinely happy right now? Even if it is something small, like some alone time with your spouse or a bubble bath? It may help you in some small way. Take care of yourself.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Anxiety Princess

(((((Have Hope))))) I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. I understand how it feels to be dying inside and yet still manage to smile and laugh like nothing is wrong and everything is right with the world. Is there anything that you can think of that would make you genuinely happy right now? Even if it is something small, like some alone time with your spouse or a bubble bath? It may help you in some small way. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, hon. It’s just so hard. I want to cry in my pillow by myself. I can’t take a bubble bath.. I wish there was something that would make me feel some amount of happiness. I’m crying right now and just wish I could disappear for good.

[Have Hope]

I’m so tired of facing challenges in my life. I literally cannot take anymore. It’s been one abusive boss after another, one abusive boyfriend after another. A lifetime of abuse. And I’m just done. I’m finally cracking.

[Have Hope]

I’m a nice person. I’m a good hearted and kind person. I work hard. I do not deserve all the abuse I’ve received in my lifetime. I do not deserve it. No one does.

[Have Hope]

I think I’m having a breakdown. Maybe I do belong in a hospital. I don’t want to go.

[downandlonely]

If you are not safe, a hospital is the place to be right now.

You are right that you don't deserve the abuse. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

[Have Hope]

Thank you and I do... I have a few close friends, and my therapist. But no one I can talk to right now. I can’t dump all this o.n my husband right now. I really don’t want to go to a hospital.

[Have Hope]

I’m not about to harm myself so I am in fact safe. But I’m having suicidal ideation.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I’m not about to harm myself so I am in fact safe. But I’m having suicidal ideation.

There's something very wrong if you are feeling THIS badly and you can't speak to your husband about it. Can you go stay with a trusted friend for a few days so you at least can be with someone who you can speak to about it? The only way to heal is to be around people who promote your healing. It does not sound like your husband is someone who promotes your healing if he cannot be there for you to listen and validate and support you. What's worse is that having to bottle it all up around him, what it sounds like, is even worse for your healing.

I am not one to promote going to the hospital unless you are in fact suicidal or in danger of self harm, because I know all too well how poor the quality of care in a hospital can be, as well as the fact that they pretty much are only equipped to deal with people in imminent danger from self-harm/suicide. If you don't fit into that drastic of a category, then the hospital will likely be traumatizing. I think the best bet would be to go stay with a friend who is willing to listen and provide a safe, healing space for you away from whatever is causing this trauma. Based on your statement of going from one abusive BF to another, I am concerned your husband is also abusive?

It doesn't sound like going to the hospital will be helpful to you. But could you get online and do an emergency therapy appointment with an online therapist (better than nothing)? Or, as I suggested, as a big favor of a friend to allow you a safe space in a guest bedroom or sofa for a couple of nights to relax and let your guard down?

I hope you feel better soon. Stay safe.

[Have Hope]

@Denise27 Omg.... that is sooooooo perfect right now. Thank you soooo much!!!!! And thank you to everyone replying and helping right now!! Thank you.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by seesaw

There's something very wrong if you are feeling THIS badly and you can't speak to your husband about it. Can you go stay with a trusted friend for a few days so you at least can be with someone who you can speak to about it? The only way to heal is to be around people who promote your healing. It does not sound like your husband is someone who promotes your healing if he cannot be there for you to listen and validate and support you. What's worse is that having to bottle it all up around him, what it sounds like, is even worse for your healing.

I am not one to promote going to the hospital unless you are in fact suicidal or in danger of self harm, because I know all too well how poor the quality of care in a hospital can be, as well as the fact that they pretty much are only equipped to deal with people in imminent danger from self-harm/suicide. If you don't fit into that drastic of a category, then the hospital will likely be traumatizing. I think the best bet would be to go stay with a friend who is willing to listen and provide a safe, healing space for you away from whatever is causing this trauma. Based on your statement of going from one abusive BF to another, I am concerned your husband is also abusive?

It doesn't sound like going to the hospital will be helpful to you. But could you get online and do an emergency therapy appointment with an online therapist (better than nothing)? Or, as I suggested, as a big favor of a friend to allow you a safe space in a guest bedroom or sofa for a couple of nights to relax and let your guard down?

I hope you feel better soon. Stay safe.

Thank you @seesaw! I’ve already burdened my husband today about it and I don’t want to continue to burden him and ruin his Christmas. I can talk to him I just feel like I shouldn’t. I can’t leave to stay with a friend either. It’s helping to let it out on here right now and to receive support around it. I will call my therapist Thursday or as soon as possible after Christmas is over. I just don’t think it’s fair to dump this on my husband out of the blue.

HaveHope. Your promise to yourself sounds heartfelt and wise. We all feel lonely sometimes and we are brave to take on our troubles with an open mind and strong heart. Going to the hospital is not always a realistic option when we feel helpless, but there are people out there who can help. I hope your night gets better and I hope your tomorrow is peaceful. May your holidays be full of joy and cheer.

HaveHope, it sounds like your job and boss and work environment is toxic to your well being. Can you ask for time off? I believe you can take a medical leave but you have to go through the Family Medical Leave Act, or something like that for time off related to mental health.

Otherwise, if talking to your boss won't improve your work environment or the way you are treated there, then I think you should quit for your mental health's sake. Frame it to your husband as a career path change.

If you've reached a breaking point mentally around the way your job and work environment and people there make you feel, you have to leave. You cannot change anyone.

Even if you calmly speak to your boss about your concerns, and you put an action plan in place for what you want improved, that does not guarantee that your boss will change.

People in toxic work environments stay for these reasons: health insurance, a regular paycheck, and fear of no references. But, is it worth it? To stay in a place that is bad for your health, literally?

I don't think you need to check yourself into the hospital temporarily. I think what you need to do, is actually quit your toxic job.

[mrsselig]

HaveHope....Sending you major love and hugs right now. Really sorry for how you're feeling, but....it's positive that you reached out. You are right to seek help.....and this is a sign that you have the hope to move forward, and you want to try for a better future. Work can be stressful, work environments are often toxic, but as others have posted here....there are ways to change this. Sometimes we just need to "be" day to day, minute to minute, second to second....just "be" in the moment. Be here now. One breath at a time. So glad you posted here. . . . . . so many good folks here, so much support. . . . I know things will turn around for the better for you. . . . .

[Anxiety Princess]

@Have Hope I hope that you're feeling a little better now. I'm worried about you. You're right, you don't deserve to be abused in any way, at work or otherwise, and that includes being overworked and underappreciated. Please stay safe, and let us know how you're doing when you can.

[Have Hope]

Thank you all sooooooooooooooo very much!

I fell asleep in the midst of breaking down. Guess I needed the rest.

I deeply appreciate everyone's heartfelt and sincere replies to help. I appreciate it more than you all know. It helps to know that people care, even if we are strangers on the internet, it helps to know that I can reach out for help and receive caring replies. It helped!!!!

It is now Christmas morning, and I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas day with my problems.

I think what happened is I got really triggered by my past abuse, surfacing because of my current work issues, and I got overwhelmed by it all. I'm pretty sure that's what happened, causing a meltdown.

@StreetcarBlanche, unfortunately, I cannot quit my job. I have financial responsibilities. I would lose my apartment, my car and I would have no place to live. It's not realistic but I thank you for your desire to help and for your sympathies!!

Today, I am going to try to not think about work issues that are bothering me. Today I will be with family members celebrating Christmas. My husband and I have a present to open together under our tree.

I am going to try to put all this aside for now and if I can.... at least for this morning.

A huge heartfelt THANK YOU again.