Emotional triggers and self-improvement

My parents invalidated me, and just about .every emotion I ever felt as a child; therefore, whenever I encounter similar situations where I feel my feelings are being invalidated, I get triggered.

I also am triggered around issues of control; whenever people try to tell me what to do, how to do it, how to feel or NOT feel, I am triggered. My parents were very controlling of me. I need to come to my own conclusions, however long that takes.

I am triggered when my boundaries are disrespected. My boundaries were disrespected as a child; therefore, I get triggered every time someone crosses my boundaries or crosses my lines of respect. People disrespecting my wishes and needs is most triggering to me.

I am learning about all these areas, and I am learning how to manage my triggers best. I am trying to grow.

I also have a lot of self-improvement goals for myself this year. I don't believe in new years resolutions because I always break them, lol.

But I am ready to face some issues I've been putting off facing for a very long time:

-exercise: start exercising because I don't
-my eating habits: lose 15 pounds
-boundaries: have stronger boundaries
-emotional triggers: responding vs reacting
-3 drink limit when out
-exercising self-care
-stop obsessing and ruminating
-be okay with "good enough" and trying my best: not expecting perfection

What's strange is that I came up with all of this not from my therapy, but outside of therapy dealing with life.

This is more like a journal entry so that I can document my goals and my triggers, how I need to grow and where I wish to head in life. I also want to track how I'm doing with each on a regular basis.

I'm not asking for opinions or constructive criticisms. I am simply documenting this for myself to visit and revisit. It may not be in the right forum, so mods please move if not.

Anyone have self-improvement goals or emotional triggers they want to share? Feel free.

My triggers are similar to yours. I had an experience yesterday where I handled it well and am proud of myself. I remained calm, got through the visit, spoke to the other people there who were not the people who hurt me, acted naturally, then left without incident.

Good for you, Tisha!!! That's something to be very proud of!!

Hey @Have Hope thanks for sharing and great goals!
Understanding and managing your emotional triggers: Live your true story
I thought this article was interesting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope My parents invalidated me, and just about .every emotion I ever felt as a child; therefore, whenever I encounter similar situations where I feel my feelings are being invalidated, I get triggered. I also am triggered around issues of control; whenever people try to tell me what to do, how to do it, how to feel or NOT feel, I am triggered. My parents were very controlling of me. I need to come to my own conclusions, however long that takes. I am triggered when my boundaries are disrespected. My boundaries were disrespected as a child; therefore, I get triggered every time someone crosses my boundaries or crosses my lines of respect. People disrespecting my wishes and needs is most triggering to me. I am learning about all these areas, and I am learning how to manage my triggers best. I am trying to grow. I also have a lot of self-improvement goals for myself this year. I don't believe in new years resolutions because I always break them, lol. But I am ready to face some issues I've been putting off facing for a very long time: -exercise: start exercising because I don't -my eating habits: lose 15 pounds -boundaries: have stronger boundaries -emotional triggers: responding vs reacting -3 drink limit when out -exercising self-care -stop obsessing and ruminating -be okay with "good enough" and trying my best: not expecting perfection What's strange is that I came up with all of this not from my therapy, but outside of therapy dealing with life. This is more like a journal entry so that I can document my goals and my triggers, how I need to grow and where I wish to head in life. I also want to track how I'm doing with each on a regular basis. I'm not asking for opinions or constructive criticisms. I am simply documenting this for myself to visit and revisit. It may not be in the right forum, so mods please move if not. Anyone have self-improvement goals or emotional triggers they want to share? Feel free.

Thank you so much for sharing, @Have Hope! I am not sure what my Triggers may be! But I know I certainly have plenty of things to work on! Your post encouraged me to do better, so thank you so much! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends, and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

@sarahsweets, thanks for the article!!

@MickeyCheeky, thanks very much!!’

I got emotional today at work over something. I felt triggered by this issue. I was more so impassioned by it rather than emotional, but my manager told me I had reacted strongly.

I am trying to monitor my emotional reactions and then my response to people afterwards. I didn't feel in control of my reaction, in other words, and I let it show. I don't like that.

I am a work in progress -- I have so much to work on it's a bit daunting to me. Today I felt overwhelmed by it all.

One baby step at a time. I can't bite off more than I can chew, and I hope I haven't.

I'm thinking of you, and hoping tomorrow is a better day for you

Thank you soooooo much @Fuzzybear!!!!

One thing I know: is that I haven't learned how to cope in healthy ways with my emotions or stress. I developed self-destructive and unhealthy habits as a coping mechanism.

I am now trying to use healthier means to manage and cope with my emotional reactions and upset. It's not easy when this has been a lifelong challenge and a lifetime of unhealthy coping mechanisms to undo.

This is my year of health.

Thanks for including us in your journey of discovery.

Yes! A simple way to look at it is to replace a bad coping skill with a better one.

Thank you both! Yes, I am trying to replace a bad coping skill with a better one, indeed! TY.

Hugs to you, @Purple,Violet,Blue!

It IS a journey of discovery, growth and healing that I have now just embarked on.

I've been good at giving advice and at helping others on their journeys all of my life, and now it's time that I look inwards and wok on my emotional self.

I'm kind of like the mental health counselor who became a good therapist yet who had trouble facing their own issues.

I am now ready to face my own issues.

I have NO idea where this came from within me either. Perhaps I just reached a point in my life where I felt enough is enough. I'm done... I need to heal and really work on my inner world now... I've been SO focused on my career for YEARS, that I've put this all off for years. Now I think I have the space mentally and emotionally to do this work finally.

@Have Hope, just curious, you know you can react in ways (at work, maybe at home too?) that give the impression to others of being overly-emotional about something or over-reacting (guessing this term might come up). And you've identified that that is not what you want and is a bad coping skill. I'm curious what are you doing to change that? Or deal with that? If you are in a meeting and something happens that you start to react to, how will you recognize you are reacting and what will you do instead?

Curious bc quick reactions (that we don't necessarily like) is something we all deal with, and I'm interested in how you might approach responding differently?

@seesaw, good question and I don't know! Count to ten? Take ten deep, very slow breaths? Take a brief or long walk and come back to it? Distract myself with something positive & come back to it? Eh. Who knows! I'll try all of the above.

To answer your question though, I don't have a strategy in mind. Perhaps something for me to research further. I am proud of myself though for not losing my cool very recently over something I was triggered by, and instead, I drew firm boundaries (because people were crossing them) and I kept my cool. That was progress.

I think it's progress when a person is willing to realize they have a problem in the first place. And also have a genuine desire to work on understanding it and learning how to control it better.

Some individuals genuinely do NOT want to be self aware.

I thought about this thread last night. I had a horrible experience and I ended up facing a husband that talked loud and down to me so badly and was out right mean and called me stupid when I really did not deserve to be treated that way. My husband chose to blow up at me when there was no reason for him to do so and he could have responded in much calmer more respectful way. When he gets in this mindset, he doesn't CARE to know how badly he is behaving, not even when I tell him how badly he is behaving. When he engages this way he is not willing to be self aware AT ALL.

Personally, I respect when someone is willing to recognize they have a problem and wants to actually do something about it.

Recently, I have been in a state of overanalyzing and as usually, I play devil's advocate, but am having difficulty making sure fast conclusions about how I feel and why? and am also looking to replace bad coping skills with better ones.

That is great! I'm glad you were able to keep cool and be firm.

I asked the original question bc its something I've worked on over the past 2 years and has definitely been a challenge but I've made a lot of progress. The biggest challenge is to even know I'm reacting. There's a lot of self awareness to be built.

Good for you!

Although I was able to control myself in the situation I posted about earlier on this thread, I still got emotionally triggered later, when home, reflecting on it. I handled it well in the moment but have been fairly upset about it. But, it’s still best to feel good about how you acted in the moment. At least you don’t say anything that escalates it and gets used against you later.

Thanks @seesaw. I know for myself I’ve been so conditioned by my dysfunctional childhood that my emotional reactions inwardly are practically automatic. Then I have a knee jerk reaction. So I’m trying to learn the art of responding vs reacting, meaning responding with logic and reason to my upset or trigger without reacting outwardly in an upset way. Not sure if that makes sense. I read about this once. That’s where I learned it from.

I guess that‘s called emotional regulation? Not sure.

It’s not easy for me. I know that.

Thank you for sharing Have Hope. Your post is very wise

Thank you, @Thirty shades!

It's really helpful to me, and I hope to others on here, to help me develop greater self-awareness and self-control.

Here's a very simple example of responding vs reacting:

React:
Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better.

Respond:
Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation.

First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without it. Third, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.

SO, I am working on taking a deep breaths before I respond with an emotional reaction.

This is a big deal for me. I am trying to undo, or rather rework, years of emotionally reacting. lol. Oh Lordy. But this is GOOD!

I also want to try and notice whenever I am projecting.

I really have my work cut out for me with this thread and these issues. I was almost down about it yesterday because it felt like a huge mountain I must climb.

Then I re-read the list of five things I wrote down that I like about myself, so that I don't feel so negative and down about ALL I have to work on and improve. That list is most helpful. A friend suggested that I create it and read it every day, when I was feeling super depressed last week. What a great idea!

@seesaw, since you had asked about a method of how I would go about doing this, here's a GREAT .excerpt from an article:

The main thing to learn is mindfulness and the pause.

Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react.

Then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, not act, breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.

Watch the reaction go away.

Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?

At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.

Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.

Source: Learn to Respond, Not React : zen habits