Emotional triggers and self-improvement

Well, let's see. Checking in here. I haven't lost a single pound of my extra weight, I have been up and down emotionally, and at times, far in the dumps. Not much has changed. But I've been keeping my reactions in check, for the most part, which is good.

I am not happy about dieting without results. In a month I leave for the beach. I won't even put on a bathing suit if I am heavy.

I hate that I obsess over how I look and over my weight. I am trying to be healthier about this, but it's hard when being thin has been engrained in you for your whole entire life. My mother obsessed over her weight and over being thin, so does my sister.

I am trying to get to a point of acceptance about it -- like, yeah, it's not my preference, and I don't want to GAIN any more weight, but what's the big deal if I am a bit overweight?

Then I see beautiful models on TV and in the movies and I cringe. I want to look like they do... like I used to look. Not that I looked like a model, but I used to look a lot sexier 20 pounds thinner. UGH.

Round and around I go on this one.

Hey @Have Hope: I do not know how closely you want to track your weight but I'd like to share what I started doing. Before my gastric bypass I was weight obsessed. I "tried" bulimia but I wouldnt say I was bulimic because I believe I was suffering from "disordered eating"(not sure if thats an actual dx or not). I would go from one fad diet to another, fasting, overeating, only eating certain foods, restricting, you name it. I do not believe I had a food addiction but I do believe my early childhood trauma affected me and I believe that those feel good chemicals in my brain were triggered when I ate certain foods. As a child- how do you escape that stuff? For me, it was food. I also believe there was a metabolism issue, genetically speaking, that made me hold on to weight. I had gastric bypass to lose weight- yes but the specific one I had was the roux-n-y. I dont think they were doing the sleeves 13 years ago but I dont remember. I chose this particular surgery because not only did it reduce the size of my stomach to physically affect my eating, it changed the absorption. At the time it was hardly covered by insurance and honestly, more "regulated" in the sense that I had to sign paperwork saying I knew I would have to take supplements for the rest of my life, that I knew it was a tool and not a solution and that I was aware that certain poor food choices could make me sick. I think that was a good thing- because I do know a lot of people who end up gaining weight back. Sorry to bog this down- what I started doing post surgery was weighing myself once a week. I was still weight obsessed and would judge myself by those numbers and by what progress I thought i made or didnt make. Since the surgery I have kept all but about 15-20lbs off. I lose and regain those pounds all the time depending on the type of foods I eat. I may not be able to eat a lot but eating small amounts of crap all day will inevitably lead to weight gain. I found that once I lost most of the weight I was still weighing myself too much. I used my perceived success or failure as a weapon of self destruction to somehow hold against myself which wasnt healthy. Unfortunately for me, the "escaping" through food turned into alcoholism but genetically I am 100% certain that the bipolar mixed with paternal genetics was what lead me to have an addictive personality. I overcame it but now I struggle with smoking. I think you shouldnt weigh yourself more than once a week, once a month if you can stand it. I think you should weigh yourself naked in the morning after you go to the bathroom- at the same time. Its really the best way to really see what's going on. I promise you it really helps with the mental obsession. Sorry to go on and on its just something I am passionate about. In particular we women are held against unrealistic ideals and sexualized and judged by how we look. We internalize those ideals and begin to live by them. Being in that state of mind is like being in a bad neighborhood- you are bound to get jumped.
xxxooo

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I weighed myself this morning and to my great chagrin, somehow I GAINED three pounds! I knew I felt heavier yesterday at work..... but I don't get it. I've been following my Slim Fast diet, I've been really good and eating healthy snacks like fruit and nuts otherwise, then a normal sized dinner. I guess my dinners have been too high in calories. UGH. SO frustrating. I DO want to lost at least 6-7 pounds before I go to the beach in March. Guess I need to watch the calorie intake at dinner. And I will start exercising once my back feels better and when my doctor tells me it will be OK to use equipment that may also work my back muscles. But I HATE that I am overweight and plump. I've been super THIN most of my life. I now am looking at being at least 20 pounds overweight. I am not happy with being this heavy. It's making me most upset. NONE of my favorite clothes fit me, and even the clothes I bought to accommodate the extra weight are now tight. I am not used to this. I was chunky back in high school and in college. In high school, I went on a massive diet for a summer and lost 23 pounds. And after college, the extra weight eventually fell off as I started to eat healthier. But in my adult years, I've generally been very very thin. BIG HUGE SIGH. That's my gripe this morning.

I'm sending hugs and support

Thank you Sarah! I do only weigh myself once a week, but I obsess over how I feel and look in the mirrors. I just don’t like myself heavy. It sucks. And I do have an eating disorder I also grapple with. The whole thing sucks.

Aw, thanks Fuzzy!!!

Thinking of you. Sorry it's hard. I completely understand.

Great post by SarahSweet (and others)!

When I was eating disordered, I used to think that other people could be not-skinny and still attractive, but for some reason, I was the exception.

Now, I stand behind myself whatever weight I am, and focus on other things, like enjoying having boobs!

It's quite a subtle shift, but honestly our bodies can feel delightful when they're softer / curvier.

Just a thought but, maybe it might help to invest in some clothes that really go for it in terms of embracing a more voluptuous style. Then you're going out to meet the future with a certain aggressiveness / FU-ness that does feel excellent.

And... not being hungry all the time should give your mood a little boost.

Oh, and stop looking at magazines.

Big hugs to you. The beach is a real challenge.

Yeah, I would try maybe to focus on your good qualities (everyone has some). My butt is enormous, but I like it that way, and others do too.

Thank you @Purple,Violet,Blue!

It's SO very hard to shift my whole entire mentality like that. I'm trying but it's undoing a lifetime of faulty thinking. I know in my logical mind that it's warped thinking.... I mean, our whole society is warped by thinking and throwing in our faces how women must be thin in order to be beautiful. It's not right, it's not fair. We then develop eating disorders partially as a result of our culture?? And because of other factors? Probably abuse of some sort? It makes me so angry..... sorry, I am now ranting and am going off in a tangent.

It's just hard.

Thank you.

Feel free to rant. It is infuriating, the way these images have got inside our heads.

That it is!!!

I do feel insecure whenever I see a beautiful thin woman on TV. It makes me crazy. I try not to let it get to me, but it's there, staring me right in the face. And my husband sees these women, and I look nothing like them.

I am sick of dieting, but if I don't, I will gain even more weight.

I guess I need to accept that I am 15-20 pounds heavier than I used to be and that I can't lose the weight. I've been trying for three weeks and it's been impossible to lose a single pound.

Big hugs, Have Hope. You're doing ever so well.

Thank you, dear!!

I binge ate over this weekend, or over the last three days. I am most unhappy with myself over that. I have to now start over and try again.

It is maddening to me that I deal with this. It is upsetting. I feel "normal" otherwise, whatever that means. I guess I mean I feel pretty even keel otherwise. I guess I eat through my anxiety and my more difficult emotions. I know I am not alone with that, and that many struggle with emotional eating. It's SO hard to not want to eat comfort foods when I am feeling anxious. I need better coping skills. I don't know how???

Maybe dip into a self-help book, to give yourself a bit of a boost? One of the really good ones. Some are useless. Even with the good ones, the effect is - in my experience - temporary.

I like The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

And 'Self-Help for your Nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes.

Please do go easy on yourself, dear Have Hope! Lasting changes happen slowly...

If you can just improve your ability to forgive yourself for the emotional eating by a teeny, tiny amount, that itself would be a huge achievement!

Thank you so much, @Purple,Violet,Blue! You are a true gem!

I will forgive myself..... I knew I would fall down a few times while attempting this recovery on my own. I do need to go easy on myself. I will start over, beginning today.

And I love the Power of Now.... what a great book!!!! I believe I have it somewhere in my collection. Maybe I'll dig it up.

Thank you for the golden suggestions.

You are such a sweet person. It's awful, the way we beat ourselves up.

Sometimes, I say to myself, `Purple!` (That's not my real name ) 'Can we just have one ******* day off!'

Yes, I love 'The Power of Now'. It is a great, short, sharp shock to worriers like me.

Eating disorders are seriously difficult to treat, as you know. Even just wanting to change is quite rare. There's so much secrecy and denial around these conditions, isn't there?

With me, looking back, working on this masochistic side of myself was really important.

I had quite a bit of treatment for my ED's, over the many years I had them. Have Hope, one of the leading London hospitals gave me excellent (outpatient) care. They tried very hard. I couldn't fault them at all. But they didn't even come close to curing me.

It's strange, isn't it?

Maybe they were too focused on the anorexia (which later became bulimia), I don't know. They were kind of fooled by what their patients told them: 'It's about food / weight / how I look / my body'.

The poor patients couldn't help it, of course! We were absolutely convinced that peering at the weighing scales and thinking about food every second of the day was normal.

Certainly, there is an element of food-phobia, but this is - although incredibly powerful - almost incidental.

Long story short...

A much less sophisticated CBT therapist, duting one six week course, somehow got it!

She wouldn't be distracted by anything I said, and focused ruthlessly on the self-damaging I was carrying out on myself.

Although there were many relapses, I left her thinking, somehow, that she was right... I didn't deserve to hurt myself...

Months later, I was actually feeling that I didn't WANT to hurt myself...

The stage after that was not enjoying the behaviours around ED's, like bingeing and purging, or eating nothing until I virtually collapsed...

It's a crazy merry-go-round I was on! And for most of my adult life!

I hope this isn't upsetting, dear friend.

I just want to reassure that anything you say will not sound mad or disgusting to me in any way.

Awwwww. thank you, @Purple,Violet,Blue!!!

Ah yes, soooo easy to beat oneself up! I am trying not to do this as much, but it's hard.

And it's not upsetting at all to me. I am very sorry to hear you suffered/suffer as well with an eating disorder... it's a most difficult disorder to grapple with, let alone admit fully to others. There IS so much secrecy to it.... I call it the silent suffering.

I have thought about DBT. I know it's emotional for me, at its roots, but also is a weight conscious/thinness obsession for me too.

My sister I think has an eating disorder as well. She looks anorexic... she has been anorexic previously without realizing it. We never speak of it, as a family, or even 1:1. My mother has a disorder with food too, which is how I learned this habit. We all only mention how my sister is far too thin.

I know it may take a long time to get out of it and recover, but I am determined to make myself healthier-minded and healthier with how I treat my body as well. I worry that I am damaging myself. I don't want to have health issues in the future.

I will try and address it with my next therapist. This time, I want to be open about it so that I can actually talk about it and potentially even treat it through therapy. I have not tried this before..... I have kept this a secret even from therapists. It's been hard to admit to anyone.

But it helps to talk openly about it on here... somehow, admitting it and seeing it in the open gives me strength to want to recover that much more.

Thank you for sharing your personal story, Purple.... I greatly appreciate relating to someone about this issue and personal struggle.

Many hugs and blessings to you, my friend!! You are a most beautiful person!

Ah, you are beautiful!

Ooh, that's tough with a sister and a mum who are also seeing things in that way. A kind of awful, mass-delusion...

I was lucky in that I had a couple of encounters which showed me that the rest of the world didn't necessarily agree with me about skinniness being everything.

It's almost impossible to grasp, when one is on that side of the looking-glass.

One time, I happened across some porn by a male friend I really liked. Was I starving myself at the time, in order to be perfect / irresistible / not scared of taking off my clothes in front of him, if something did develop? Probably.

The porn was of larger women!

It's almost funny!

Honestly, though, it did shock me. I felt invulnerable in my tiny clothes. As if I had removed everything from my body that could possibly be criticised!

And, he didn't fancy me!

Big hugs.

Aww!! Thanks so much!

Yes it is harder when family members are also afflicted. Ugh.

That is a funny story about the porn! Wow! And amazing too. I know some men prefer larger women. I guess it just goes to show that thinness isn’t everything!

Hugs!!

Firstly, I was to thank @Have Hope for this thread and for you and others sharing your struggles and triumphs.

This is an excellent article! And I find it very similar to a lot of the techniques tried in DBT although maybe even better...then again, I never completed DBT so maybe it's the same. I've tried most of the things listed here but with varying results...or perhaps I have a loop of triggering emotions that when I think I've acted rationally and still don't get the desired response, then I kinda forget and lose my cool maybe...sometimes. But I feel like lately I've acted pretty rationally, despite how I feel on the inside or what my first reaction was. I've been asking others for advice too sometimes on what theyd do in certain situations and/or what they'd suggest as the best approach. Ultimately I have to decide if this is good advice or not, but I'm getting better at recognizing what could be helpful and what could be harmful, recognizing whether my fear is justified or I'm just scared of the unknown. Sometimes I just get thrown for a complete loop though and still get a negative result even when an action had worked effectively I the past...that's when I have to remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and then decide whether the opposite action will work in the next situation or this was just an atypical event.
Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense. All we can do is our best in any given situation, and learn from what works and what doesn't work. It's great that you're taking such close notes on your own reactions and responses! And are learning from them!