I’m not a good friend

AzulOscuro · Apr 14, 2020, 05:43 PM

I barely have contact with people because of my social anxiety so I have only a person I can call friend, I mean a person I trust and I can count with and he can count with me. Real friends.
Other than that, I of course, value a lot the possible friendship I could make online because it’s the media I move in a more natural way. Due to I feel less inhibited and feel less pressure. The thing is I have noone of this last. I thought I had it but I should have done very bad that I don’t have it anymore.
In off-line world (I don’t like to call it irl because for me both worlds are real), I’m pretty much as this: When I meet or someone is introduced to me, I never ever think this person maybe interested in a friendship with me just the opposite, so I try to do the best at this moment for this person or people feel as confortable as possible and forget about future contacts because I see I can’t contribute anything.

On another side, my online experiences, provided me with an insight that support my idea of inadequacy on the offline word.

I know that it’s not reasonable to get to conclusion for a couple of example or experiences but I can’t avoid feeling myself a failure just now.

Raindropvampire · Apr 15, 2020, 04:34 AM

I'm sorry you feel that way

AzulOscuro · Apr 16, 2020, 10:50 AM

I didn’t want to worry people who can read my thread. So, I think it would be good an update. I wrote it in a moment of very low confidence and lead by my cognitive distortions.
Basically, I ran away from any deep contact. Why? Because of my fear to be rejected or feel of inadequacy.
I won’t ever get to be a good friend because the more closer the more I feel the need to look for clues or signs of rejection.
And this can be a minimal sign, many times, I then realised of my misinterpretation. And I’m pretty radical especially if I feel myself low of self-confidence or the anxiety for inadequacy begins to arise.
Who in the earth are gonna feel safe having a relation with a person like this? I’m saying it out of pity. The reality is the reality and I’m the only one who can fight to solve the problem and avoid these “proto” reasoning leads my life.

Stan65 · Apr 16, 2020, 11:22 AM

I feel very similar. I have 2 incredibly good friends in my life whom I’ve known for about 10 years but they are online friends whom I’ve never met in person. Meeting someone and trying to develop a friendship is impossible for me due to my anxiety and difficulty in opening up to someone. Trust is so difficult it takes me a very long time before I can take a risk and let the walls down

AzulOscuro · Apr 16, 2020, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stan65

I feel very similar. I have 2 incredibly good friends in my life whom I’ve known for about 10 years but they are online friends whom I’ve never met in person. Meeting someone and trying to develop a friendship is impossible for me due to my anxiety and difficulty in opening up to someone. Trust is so difficult it takes me a very long time before I can take a risk and let the walls down

Can I ask you whether these relationship are satisfactory? Because it seems they are. I don’t mind if they are few. I’m not looking for a million of friends as the song says. What I’m worried about is that I screw up the good I have because of my insecurities.
Do you also look at for clues to see whether you are being welcome, even more when the friendship is becoming deeper? That when I give myself the credit to look for having doubts in regards. Other occasions I neither wonder my mind about if I can be accepted or not. I self eliminate.

Stan65 · Apr 17, 2020, 08:17 AM

“Can I ask you whether these relationship are satisfactory? Because it seems they are. I don’t mind if they are few. I’m not looking for a million of friends as the song says. What I’m worried about is that I screw up the good I have because of my insecurities.
Do you also look at for clues to see whether you are being welcome, even more when the friendship is becoming deeper? That when I give myself the credit to look for having doubts in regards. Other occasions I neither wonder my mind about if I can be accepted or not. I self eliminate”.

The relationships are very satisfying and I also do not want many friends mostly because it’s a difficult for me. When I developed these friendships I was very careful and would gradually open up and share one thing about myself something like a small bit of my mental health disorders or my criminal history and look for a negative reaction. With my two friends I found they did not judge and so would then take another risk and share something else. Once I find acceptance, feel comfortable and have trust I try to open up. I don’t think I could do anything like this face to face but online I can do it and when I do feel accepted I am able to put out of my head all of my self doubt. It takes me some time and risk and there have been some who don’t understand mental health issues and I try very hard to not let that make me feel like it’s me.

AzulOscuro · Apr 17, 2020, 08:00 PM

Before anything, thank you for your reply. It was a very direct question and not everyone is ready to reply.
This been said. What you say makes a lot of sense, this is the way I feel also comfortable with while knowing people. I couldn’t go faster, either. It’s ok with me if it weren’t because I have a terrible panic to know new people. So, the probabilities to know like-minded people are largely reduced. And once I know them, even being with them for years, the feeling of acceptance you have with your friends, this is something I can’t ever get.
I know here the main problem is me, I’m a pretty reasonable person in many aspects of my life but not in this.
Thank you again and congratulations!!!