[Have Hope]

My emotions, mood and outlook today are all darkened, due to getting triggered by someone’s death and by other things.

We’re all alone in the end and that’s the bottom line.

And with death we grieve alone.

Life truly sucks sometimes. Today is one of those days. I’ve dealt with far too much death and suddenly today I cannot stop crying.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

My emotions, mood and outlook today are all darkened, due to getting triggered by someone’s death and by other things.

We’re all alone in the end and that’s the bottom line.

And with death we grieve alone.

Life truly sucks sometimes. Today is one of those days. I’ve dealt with far too much death and suddenly today I cannot stop crying.

Im sorry that your having a really bad day. Grief will cause an individual to feel different emotions.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

Im sorry that your having a really bad day. Grief will cause an individual to feel different emotions.

@Buffy01, thanks so much.

And it sure will. Grief is so personal. I finally cracked today and let it all out. It's cathartic.

I hope things are better tomorrow. But right now, I am just in a bad place and can't snap out of it.

[downandlonely]

So sorry for your loss.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

This last death I didn't even really know the person. It's more so that this most recent passing of someone I sorta knew triggered me about all other losses in my life and made me feel extremely sad and despondent about life.

[Bill3]

[moodyblue83]

I view death as not the end but a transition back into the universe.
Death is a part of life. Death is the great equalizer. Your grief will
subside over time. Our own personal life is meaningful and meaningless
at the same time. We grieve the loss of those we loved or knew to some extent.
I think the best way to get over grief is to celebrate the persons life !
Think of the good times. The happy moments. Remember , grieving is
a selfish emotion. Your sad over a loss but think about the person who
actually died !

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by moodyblue83

I view death as not the end but a transition back into the universe.
Death is a part of life. Death is the great equalizer. Your grief will
subside over time. Our own personal life is meaningful and meaningless
at the same time. We grieve the loss of those we loved or knew to some extent.
I think the best way to get over grief is to celebrate the persons life !
Think of the good times. The happy moments. Remember , grieving is
a selfish emotion. Your sad over a loss but think about the person who
actually died !

Thanks for your thoughts - with ALL those I've known who have died, it's not the loss I am grieving. It's the fact that I've known too many people whose lives were cut short, and that's what makes me the saddest. It's not about me - it's about them and all those who loved that person.

And there's nothing wrong with grieving the loss of that person from your own life. Have you ever lost a parent or someone very close to you? It's really really difficult. There's a hole now and a void that my father used to fill in my life - in my whole family's life. And that's hard to deal with now that he's gone. And it's not just about me - I am very concerned about my mother. She has never been alone in her entire life! She is now dealing with retirement, all alone. She was married to my father for over 57 years! Since she was 23 years old.

So, you're insinuating it's selfish to grieve the loss? I firmly and respectfully disagree with your POV That's very insensitive and judgmental, in my opinion. Lose someone close to you in your life, and see how YOU feel.

Grieving the loss of someone who filled a role for you in your life only shows your love & appreciation for that person, it is not selfish and it is not to be judged.

And what about someone who

Possible trigger:

kills themselves, like my ex fiance?

His life was more tragic and sad than anything. And of course, his death by

Possible trigger:

his own hand

was most tragic. There's NOTHING to be celebrated under those circumstances.

[MuseumGhost]

Wow, Have Hope. That is some Class-A, heavy duty pain. Very heavy. No wonder you are grieving and having it come at you in waves. Especially after what you've recently been through.

I don't think Moody was saying our grief doesn't matter--I think he acknowledged that it does. Perhaps he meant it in a bigger, cosmic sense. I do think he was trying to help, not hurt.

When I lost my mother to cancer, I was only 24. It was a bigger and more sweeping, devastating loss than I knew at the time. It has taken me years to get over it and I'm still not done processing it all (and I am a mature 60+). She was so different to me, but I realized rather late that she was my rock and my safe place and everything that mattered to me. All I dreamt of my whole life was being free of my wacky, dysfunctional family---but after losing her, nothing felt more important than getting back and supporting what was left of us. I still miss her so much that words will suddenly fail me, and I can fall to weeping with very little provocation.

I could tell you stories about some of the insensitive and ignorant things people have said to me over the years. But I fear they would only deepen your pain. No one who is mourning a loved one needs to hear unhelpful nonsense like that. And I do mean, people have been very uncivil and deliberately cruel about it.

I think that the pain of losing someone to suicide is perhaps the worst kind of pain of all. I have seen big, strong, stoic grown men fall to pieces just realizing that loss. Something like that is bound to have continuing repercussions for a long time. How can it not? We are not made of stone.

You take your time and get through it the best you can.

Sending love and sympathy, and wishes for peace your way.

[divine1966]

Grief is unique kind of pain. It often comes and goes. I feel that it comes in waves. Grief doesn’t really go away fully, it just keeps taking different forms.

Yes losing loved ones to suicide is a hard thing to overcome. I don’t know if it’s helpful but a rabbi at a funeral of a family member said some profound things that I found helpful. One thing he said was we wish they seeked help and we wish it didn’t end this way, but all we can do is respect their decision, respect their choice and remember them the way they were, honoring memory of them. “Respecting their choice” stuck with me.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@Buffy01, thanks so much. :hug::hug:

And it sure will. Grief is so personal. I finally cracked today and let it all out. It's cathartic.

I hope things are better tomorrow. But right now, I am just in a bad place and can't snap out of it. :rain3::rain3::rain3:

You're welcome. Sometimes we have to let it all out.

[AzulOscuro]

I personally don’t understand how people in some cultures or countries, may celebrate the life of a person so soon after his/her death.
I couldn’t do it. At the beginning I feel pain for the loss. Not in selfish way, as @moodyblue83 mentioned (I can understand the way (s)he sees it, but I also feel sadness for the person who passed away.

I needed six months to accept my dear dad’s passing. Of course, he’s not conscious anymore, he’s not here but I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to enjoy life and take the best out of it. I suffer for him along as I suffer for his loss and what he represents to me.

I neither understand why people celebrate a person who passed away’s birthday or anniversary of birth since this person is not here anymore.

[divine1966]

I think by celebrating birthday of loved ones who pass away we honor their memory. Celebrating might not mean you go out drinking but getting together with family, put flowers on a tombstone and maybe have a meal together is a perfectly acceptable way to remember loved ones on their birthday even if they aren’t longer with us.

[Have Hope]

My husband lost his dear younger brother in the Twin Towers terrorist attack. His brother died an absolutely horrifying death. He may have jumped, but we do not know for sure. Each year on 9/11, I grieve with my husband and on his behalf. He grieves over this enormous loss to the family to this day, 21 years later. It still impacts him profoundly, and the sadness is deep. The tears come. His family was never the same after the loss of their son/sibling. His father lost his entire business, which involved millions of dollars. He wasn't making sound business decisions after the death of his youngest son in the most tragic attack the US has ever faced. My husband cries every time 9/11 is even mentioned. On 9/11, we do visit his memorial and attend services.

Grief is profound and can have long lasting, life changing effects.

Thank you all for your replies, and for your thoughtful and heartfelt sentiments. I am worn out and cannot reply individually right now, though I want to. Each of you had something meaningful to say. The best I can do atm is to thank you all, and to send my hugs to each of you.

@MuseumGhost
@divine1966
@AzulOscuro
@Buffy01

[AzulOscuro]

Maybe my way of thinking is because we have a day along the year to do the same you described.
It’s a personal thing. I’m not criticising it. Only I saw in the News how in the States there are gatherings of people attending to meetings to celebrate lives of people who recently died.
I could’t do it. I need more time. I attended to my father funeral and it was a nightmare for me. I still couldn’t remember positive things because I was not ready. I only felt sadness for the loss and needed to be alone.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Maybe my way of thinking is because we have a day along the year to do the same you described.
It’s a personal thing. I’m not criticising it. Only I saw in the News how in the States there are gatherings of people attending to meetings to celebrate lives of people who recently died.
I could’t do it. I need more time. I attended to my father funeral and it was a nightmare for me. I still couldn’t remember positive things because I was not ready. I only felt sadness for the loss and needed to be alone.

I understand you fully. I am similar. I guess various cultures can and do view death and funerals differently.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I understand you fully. I am similar. I guess various cultures can and do view death and funerals differently.

And within a culture, each individual grieves in a different way, too, of course.

[Have Hope]

I am like the black widow - I have had FOUR ex boyfriends who died far too early in life, and all by bizarre or unexpected circumstances. I've lost a few of old college friends too early in life. One was an accidental drug overdose. She was a roommate of mine in college as well as an old friend. I also have a friend who's son committed suicide at the age of 12.

It's all just so incredibly sad.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

And within a culture, each individual grieves in a different way, too, of course.

I think grief is very much an individual and personal thing, on top of cultural norms. No one can judge someone else's process, and no one should.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I am like the black widow - I have had FOUR ex boyfriends who died far too early in life, and all by bizarre or unexpected circumstances. I've lost a few of old college friends too early in life. One was an accidental drug overdose. She was a roommate of mine in college as well as an old friend. I also have a friend who's son committed suicide at the age of 12.

It's all just so incredibly sad.

Not a black widow, at all!
This is very unlucky for you and these people.
I guess it has been very hard to going through all these losses. I can’t even guess what it may be.

I remember when I was socially isolated, a friend of my sister passed away. A young guy. He was only given a week to live. Seventeen years old.
I didn’t even know him but I felt so bad. I even wrote a poem on my journal dedicated to him.
I repeat, I didn’t even KNOW him.

I remember my dad was very protective of me because he knew how sensitive I am.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

Wow, Have Hope. That is some Class-A, heavy duty pain. Very heavy. No wonder you are grieving and having it come at you in waves. Especially after what you've recently been through.

I don't think Moody was saying our grief doesn't matter--I think he acknowledged that it does. Perhaps he meant it in a bigger, cosmic sense. I do think he was trying to help, not hurt.

When I lost my mother to cancer, I was only 24. It was a bigger and more sweeping, devastating loss than I knew at the time. It has taken me years to get over it and I'm still not done processing it all (and I am a mature 60+). She was so different to me, but I realized rather late that she was my rock and my safe place and everything that mattered to me. All I dreamt of my whole life was being free of my wacky, dysfunctional family---but after losing her, nothing felt more important than getting back and supporting what was left of us. I still miss her so much that words will suddenly fail me, and I can fall to weeping with very little provocation.

I could tell you stories about some of the insensitive and ignorant things people have said to me over the years. But I fear they would only deepen your pain. No one who is mourning a loved one needs to hear unhelpful nonsense like that. And I do mean, people have been very uncivil and deliberately cruel about it.

I think that the pain of losing someone to suicide is perhaps the worst kind of pain of all. I have seen big, strong, stoic grown men fall to pieces just realizing that loss. Something like that is bound to have continuing repercussions for a long time. How can it not? We are not made of stone.

You take your time and get through it the best you can.

Sending love and sympathy, and wishes for peace your way.

Thank you for your kind words -- I'm so sorry for your own loss. It IS devastating.

And thank you so much for your love, sympathy and peace...

[moodyblue83]

Maybe I should clarify something. I didn’t mean to sound insensitive to the feelings and emotions we experience after the death of a loved one. I tend to look at life from a universal standpoint. Just really trying to make sense of it all. I think there’s a reason different cultures grieve in different ways. Speaking for myself I still grieve the loss of my mom 50 years later. In a way , I’ve never been able to move forward.
By not getting past it I deprived myself of a happier more productive life. I was miserable to others. I think I should just leave it there for now. It gets too complicated because we’re dealing with something in the psychological realm.
I wish all , peace of mind , & the calming of the storm within.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by moodyblue83

Maybe I should clarify something. I didn’t mean to sound insensitive to the feelings and emotions we experience after the death of a loved one. I tend to look at life from a universal standpoint. Just really trying to make sense of it all. I think there’s a reason different cultures grieve in different ways. Speaking for myself I still grieve the loss of my mom 50 years later. In a way , I’ve never been able to move forward.
By not getting past it I deprived myself of a happier more productive life. I was miserable to others. I think I should just leave it there for now. It gets too complicated because we’re dealing with something in the psychological realm.
I wish all , peace of mind , & the calming of the storm within.

Thank you for this post - I was responding to your statement that grieving is a selfish emotion. And I responded the way I did because it triggered me.

I revert back to my prior statements that grieving is very individual and personal for every single person. I don't think we can judge or make comments on another's grieving process - like you said, you've been grieving a loss for 50 years and it has impacted your life negatively. But that can happen. A significant loss can be most profound and can change an entire person's life for the worse. Look at my husbands parents - they lost their entire fortune because they lost their beloved son in 9/11.

[MuseumGhost]

Have Hope, your husband's response to the 9/11 anniversary is very much like mine. I did not lose anyone I knew, but it still felt like a horrendous and overwhelmingly horrible attack...and it DID feel very personal (I grew up in NYS, and had many college friends who lived in or near NYC.).

It was a hellishly long day, too. The days that followed were agonizing, and I didn't know anybody who was there (at least, I don't think so)...but I have friends of friends who lost someone.

I personally felt like every neuron in my body had been pulled through a knothole. And I know that the onset of my major depression is largely down to the attacks on that fateful day, because I cannot really get over it.

Your husband's grief is perfectly understandable to me. I have a very hard time watching documentaries about it, but I do it as a kind of exposure therapy. Every fiber of my being reaches out to the souls who were lost, and the families of those people. It must be unimaginable pain.

I think it collectively changed all our neural pathways, I really do.

To me, 21 years has zoomed by, in comparison with the way grief can linger and revisit us.

You have both been through so much. Sending love...

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

Have Hope, your husband's response to the 9/11 anniversary is very much like mine. I did not lose anyone I knew, but it still felt like a horrendous and overwhelmingly horrible attack...and it DID feel very personal (I grew up in NYS, and had many college friends who lived in or near NYC.).

It was a hellishly long day, too. The days that followed were agonizing, and I didn't know anybody who was there (at least, I don't think so)...but I have friends of friends who lost someone.

I personally felt like every neuron in my body had been pulled through a knothole. And I know that the onset of my major depression is largely down to the attacks on that fateful day, because I cannot really get over it.

Your husband's grief is perfectly understandable to me. I have a very hard time watching documentaries about it, but I do it as a kind of exposure therapy. Every fiber of my being reaches out to the souls who were lost, and the families of those people. It must be unimaginable pain.

I think it collectively changed all our neural pathways, I really do.

To me, 21 years has zoomed by, in comparison with the way grief can linger and revisit us.

You have both been through so much. Sending love...

Thank you so much.

I can understand how deeply 9/11 impacted you, especially having grown up in NYS.

Every year 9/11 is agonizing to get through - I experience my husband's deepest grief and I cry & mourn too. I also had an acquaintance I Knew in college
who died in one of the planes - he is one of the heros who rushed the cockpit. I am proud of him for that. Every year my classmates put up photos of him all over Facebook to commemorate him.

You mentioned exposure therapy - sometimes, on 9/11, I have thought that it's not the best idea for my husband to watch the incident over and over again, because it just traumatizes him every year. So he re-experiences the trauma every time. I didn't think this was the best way to heal... in fact, I think there are better ways to heal like visiting his memorial, which we also do, and going to services, which we've done. But to continue watching the event and reliving it every year? I don't know - for me it only is just deeply upsetting. But I cannot tell my husband what to do, how to handle it or how to heal himself. That's all his own process.

That being said, 9/11 most certainly will never be forgotten - nor all those who tragically died and their families.