[Wants2Fly]

I write in my journal almost every morning. This morning, contemplating teaching my class, I wrote:

I don’t care much about work anymore. I feel as if I tried and tried in life to make it turn out “right.” Each time I was out of work, I did my best to learn new skills and retool myself for another career change. Each time I got a new job, I tackled the job with enthusiasm and high hopes.

When I buckled down and studied for 6 years to get my Ph.D., I thought: There, now I’ve really shown the dedication and the commitment to earn my spurs to enter a financially stable profession that will allow me to retire with dignity. Then, I was slapped down again.

I was also slapped down by my mate in life, abandoned soon after I was post menopausal, got sick, lost my job. I do not believe it is possible to be in a loving relationship ever again, because my ability to trust is gone, and I just don't care enough about having a relationship to make compromises with anyone. And I feel cheated that I feel that way.

Something has gone out of me. Yes, something has gone out of me. The fight. The ambition. The will to succeed. I sit in this recliner knowing that my financial situation is dire and doing little to change it. I am not doing nothing to change it. I send out resumes. I look for freelance work. But I have not hit the bricks to file an application to be a substitute teacher with the public schools, or to get temp office work, or to go to all the department stores to get work as a clerk.

My eyes are falling shut. This journal is a bore. I feel sleepy. I want to curl up on my soft bed and go back to sleep. For the next 30 years. Then fall into a coma and die. As far as I’m concerned, my life is over, and I am just marking time from here on out. I do what I can to make marking the time better – looking for work, praying, building a relationship here and there. But really, the will to do better and be better and “make something of myself” isn’t there anymore.

The Effexor makes it possible for me to keep going. But when I turn over a rock, there's a lot of underlying disappointment, despair, and hopelessness.

Maybe this is just a mood. I thought I had been doing better than this.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((WTF)))))))))))))))

Oh sweety, I am so sorry your feeling this way. I don't know if I can be of much comfort to you now as I am feeling similar to how you are feeling. All I can tell you is that your not alone. I try to look ahead for something brighter and better. I look to my children to give me strength. They are the reason that I go on.
I hope that you can find that strength in something close to you.
I am here if you need, as we all are. Take care and please let me know how you are doing.

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks Jen

[lenjan]

Sounds like a midlife crisis to me ;-) (still working through mine, so no advice for you)

[drunksunflower]

what's your phd in?? wow! yay for us for studying so long !! {{{hugs}}}

you seem like the sweetest person - i hope you can be happy one day.

xxxxx

[DocClyde]

I understand how you feel. I am working on my Ph.D. presently, but am not at an employment situation which I think is suited for my education. However, I guess I have to make the best due until something else comes along.
I really hope things come along better for you soon.

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you Candy, Clyde, and Sunflower.

[Myzen]

Hi Wants,

I could really feel that post, and I don't think it's just you. I have had loads of acquaintances in education who have done all the education and training and still don't have a living wage. Some of them are on part time money, but guilt tripped into doing full time hours. In the UK, public sector employment contracts have been under seige since the 1980s and there is no sign of it getting better; now the pensions are being threatened. In my view, the halcyon days in education are behind us.

Sorry for the doom and gloom, but that's how it is over here anyway.

I'm wondering if there is a low profile solution for you to buy some time? I don't think that people with long term illness should have to work. Are there any programmes or benefits that you could get?

I guess you have checked all this out anyway, but IMHO if there isn't some help out there for you, there SHOULD be.

Maybe we need a Union. Fighting depression is hard enough, without fighting the world as well!

Good thoughts, Myzen.

i pray that the meds aren't just masking my illness.....and i know how you feel about your feelings....i told the psychiatrist that "i've lost my joy" and that is true.......i used to be such a joy=filled person...people would comment on it and that really felt good. when i had the B and B, i was able to quit advertising after two years because people enjoyed it so much that they booked a year in advance.......i'd have to have to rely on that now.....i'd starve to death because no one would want to be around me.......i don't know what the answer is. pat

[Wants2Fly]

It's sad to know that so many of us just "keep on keeping on" -- doing our best -- but without the joy . . .

[dayzee9]

((((((((((((((wantstofly))))))))))))))))))

Hi! It rang a lot of bells for the "overview" of my "life's progress & accomplishments" I have all this great education in psych nursing (& general nurse); working as a crisis counselor for years; survived being in the Army just so I could "save the world" (as psych specialist); spoke to the masses on lecture circuit panels about AODA, ED, and etc....ending with how "Life gets so much better! Afterall, I'm a SURVIVOR!" People were awed at the grand hurdles I have "cleared"

What do I have to show for it? I'm an unemployed psych LPN; still plagued w/ many PSY conditions; living in Public Housing; on SSI....and still in therapy?

What I have to show for it is THIS!!! (((I AM STILL ALIVE!!)))) Getting out of bed is a MAJOR effort; I'd rather stay there forever sometimes....just pull the covers over my head....but...IF NOTHING ELSE!!! I AM a SURVIVOR!
(which I cannot say about quite a few of former PSY friends who are now 6 feet under)

((((WantsToFly))))) I see you still posting for yourself, but mostly for others, almost on a daily basis...
You keep trying to help others..........

You're with people, you care (something that's getting harder and harder to find in this world) The hours aren't the greatest; the pay isn't the kind that will pay your rent; but the greatest accomplishments in life, I have found...you can't frame & put on your wall to show off. You give constant hope (regardless of personally needing something like Effexor -me, too - just to walk over to your computer) You are giving others hope.

What you give, like you do alot! Will sustain your belief in love, life & possibly find another "door" to somewhere else in your future...and that's gospel!

I'll be looking for your future postings, as usual...

(((((((((((((((((((DayZee))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Wants2Fly]

I don't deserve all those kind words. Thank you from my heart. I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

One thing I haven't brought into it is how many middle-aged people in the US believe we experience age-discrimination in the job market. A very hard case to prove -- employers can always say one's skills are outdated and a thousand other excuses. One has to know other older applicants who've been overlooked, and how does one find them? It sounds like you may be in that boat as well.

I hope the end of the year finds all of us celebrating. Hopefully together.

Thank you Dayzee. Peace and blessings.