dying

Thinking about suicide can be comforting, though if it gets too strong there's a huge fight not to do it. I've just had a prolonged fight with myself about that. Right now those feelings aren't so strong, but I am left with a huge awareness of death, which I really don't find very comforting at all. Can anyone relate?

i get that way almost daily. usually have to ride it out though its terrifying.

(((((((((debbie)))))))))))

I sometimes get that way, yeah. I haven't been suicidal for a while but every so often I still become a little more aware of how fragile I am, how fragile my life is, and it really scares me. They're not comforting thoughts at all. When it happens I try very hard to distract myself -- even if all I can do at the time is count ceiling tiles -- and by pouring all my concentration into anything else, it usually helps those thoughts pass, sort of like ignoring someone who's bothering me until they get the hint and leave me alone.

They're not your thoughts, they're the depression's. Don't let it fool you into thinking anything it says is right or true.

I've stepped back from the edge a few times but usually those thoughts are my constant companion.

Sometimes if I make an abrupt change in what I'm doing
going outside from inside
turning on or off the radio
do dishes instead of sitting
I can stop going down the road my thoughts are taking me.

When the action is not on my "to do" list the results are better.
Unfortunately it never lasts for very long.

((((( debbie )))))

kebs

I can completely relate. I have never actually attempted suicide but I have thought about it a lot.
In a related vein I've lost both my parents in the last 4 years and that adds an elment of thinking about death that went beyond considering my own.
For some reason I don't want to go at length here. Except to say that life and death and the confusion and lack of comfort accompanied by thinking about both of them seem to some how be inextricably connected. I guess for me it has to do with the uncertainty of both.
No matter how hard we try to improve our living we often seem to get side lined by occurances or our own thoughts regarding and end up doubting the future. Of course death seems to be the greatest unknow of all and so it seems natural to be discomforted by it.
Again for me being raised a Catholic, the issue of suicide has implications of even greater suffering should it be accomplished. So I'd rather not think about it.
I just keep trying to tell myself that my life has value. That no matter whether I get to know it or not, the exchanges I've shared up till now or possibly in the future with others may have had a profound or even simple affect on those other lives. That makes mine worth while. Therefore, I need to keep living.
Thanks for being there.

((((((((((((( debbie ))))))))))))))))))
I can totally relate to what you are explaining for me I try different relaxation techniques and usually the thoughts of death passes. I am sorry that you are going through this I hope you see some improvement soon.

Debbie, let me quote: "Thinking about suicide can be comforting, though if it gets too strong there's a huge fight not to do it".
And if you did it, you would not see the next quote: "I've just had a prolonged fight with myself about that". and if your dead, you can't type...or be with others that care post me back!!

I suspected I may not be alone. Thanks for your replies. I find that being around people helps, even if it's just sitting in Starbucks. And consciously trying not to think about it, which is counterintuitive!

Hi Debbie,

I wanted to offer you the resource of the Samaritans. Their numbers are
Boston: 617.247.0220
Toll-Free: 877-870-HOPE (4673)
You can call them anytime twenty-four hours a day. They are a suicide prevention line and know how to talk to people in crisis. I would highly recommend calling when you are feeling suicidal or even just thinking about it. Having a non-judgemental person to talk to often helps us de-escalate.

You know you're not alone and that's comforting. And also know that there is something better out there for you. Medication and therapy can help if you're not doing either you might consider looking into it. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I hope things pass soon into something better.

Love and Hugs,
Tara