[Overcastbutclearing]

I am not feeling too strong.
I just feel like life is crashing in from all sides and although I am trying to gain cover from the wreckage what I am finding is it is just piling up on top of me...almost oddly protecting me.
I should be able to get myself out of this.
It has been a long time since I have been this emotional and having tapes play in my head. I don't want people who think I am healthy and talking with me again to back away because that is what happened before.
It is like, I can keep shoving it all in or I am going to fully burst...arrgggg!

[Myzen]

Hi sj,

Tell us all about it, we won't back away.

Myzen.

((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))))

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((SJ)))))))))))))))))))))

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks, but it seems when I go into the chat room to do live chat they have little clusters and no one is talking to you.
I haven't take n my meds in 2 days...I just don't think they are helping.
I am having severe panic attacks but am dealing with them.
I am just really tired, you know, of all the bs!

[Wants2Fly]

Hi SJ --

When I first started going to chat, I also felt that I didn't know the groups, that there were clusters, out of place.

I guess it's like entering any other public environment where I don't know anyone -- people will be talking to each other, have already known each other. Some people here have quite long histories.

If you are in crisis, there may be someone, or more than one person, who will go into another room with you.

At first, I would go into chat for fairly short periods of time, mostly listen. Now I chime in more, but sometimes there are lots of new people, and I don't know them. Many times, they are very much younger than I am, so I feel uncomfortable.

Also, try to bear in mind that everyone who comes here comes with issues of their own. Some of us do not have a lot of great social skills to make a new-comer feel welcome. We are learning social skills here!

I hope you will feel more at home in chat as you stop by more often. I know you will find people who want to talk with you.

[Overcastbutclearing]

I am not in crisis....If I were I don't think I would be online discussing it. But, I do feel like %#@&#! and I am afraid to talk with people who know me because they act weird when I am not feeling well in my head.
I want to shut the world out and just be by myself...yet that doesn't seem like an option either.
I am afraid of my feelings. Sometimes they are so strong. I get so anxious that I can't breath.
I think I am just realizing I really do hate myself...and aint nothing I can do about that right now.

I can't advise you about chat as I never go in but I can sympathize with your anxiety and your feeling that you can't breathe. I've felt that way several times and it sucks! I really, really hate anxiety. That is the one thing that I feel that I can't do much about. Take care of yourself and please post again...keep us updated. Pat

[Overcastbutclearing]

When will I feel better?
When will the pain go away? How much journaling, crying, taking meds, and sleeping must I do?
Nothing is working! Why why why me!?!?

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((((SJ))))))))))))))))

When you will feel better? Probably not today, tomorrow, or the day after.

When you start feeling better, it may be for a second here, a second there. Then a minute, a few minutes, an hour. You probably will backslide.

How much . . . must you do? A lot.

Nothing is working. It probably is, just very slowly. Like the tide going out. You can't see any difference between one wave and the next, but come back in an hour and you will see some small change. In 6 hours, a lot of change.

Why you? Because life isn't stagnant. It's a continual cycle of growth and decay, of our bodies, relationships. Perhaps the only thing we have that can grow and improve in perpetuity is the soul, if you believe we have one.

[Overcastbutclearing]

What happens when your head continues to tell you there is only one way out of the depression? Been depressed on/off for 15 years. Sometimes it is severe, sometimes it is faint, sometimes I am really healthy. But then, it all comes back at some point to the really dark side of it....and I mean, if that is going to continue like that why take meds and seek therapy.
Don't you think people get tired ot hearing it? Don't you think the therapists after a while think you are helpless too?

[Wants2Fly]

SJ -- It seems that depression is a fluid condition for many of us. It overtakes us like waves, then ebbs like the tide. It's awful when it's upon, a truly dreadful disease.

For personal experience, I would say yes, people get tired of hearing it. I wish I could say otherwise. One can hope to find some friends, however, who find enough redeeming qualities in one to stick with one. And perhaps to find places, such as here on the forums, who understand so that we can turn here instead of overburdening other friendships and family.

As for my therapist, I pay my therapist to offer acceptance and hope. I'm outta there when s/he doesn't.

[Overcastbutclearing]

I guess to some people it seems like I am hiding my feelings by talking on this site and not talking with the people in my life, like my girlfriend.
But, sometimes you just need to be neutral.
I cannot take much more!