[turquoisesea]

emotional abuse. Constant emotional abuse = home. She doesn't mean to do it. but it happens. I feel trapped, I die emotionally within a week. I'm dead emotionally, I'm on overdrive just because of the threat that's been there. I didn't get on the train today... my Dad might be coming to pick me up tomorrow... my bf is leaving today. Should have left a while back. So scared. Dunno what to do.

I feel like going back for the whole summer will mean I will get worse nd therefore will make me unable to go back to school next semester which means I can't get better, endless cycle. Or even worse I won't be able to hide whats going on when it goes boom this time because I DON'T HAVE A ROOM at home ... any place to hide in... an they'll send me somewhere

[leacon]

Sweetie I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it right for you. If you want to to could you explain what you mean by emotional abuse? I wonder because my own mother makes life for my sisters and myself unbearable and is unaware she does it. My only advice is to not assume everything will be bad. You may have learned enough about coping to deal with it for a few months. Take good care of yourself.

[tarabug922]

It sounds like you're going through an awful lot. I too would be nervous. I think your feelings are appropriate and I would worry should you be having any other response. Look honestly at the options you have and make the best choice for you. You know what is best for you and I believe you have the courage to make the right choice. Know too that the cycle is on an upward swing because you have made progress since the last cycle and that keeps you going in an upward trend even if you do slip back for a little while.

my therapist once told me recovery is like taking a trip from new york to california. If you get lost in colorado you don't go all the way back to new york and start over again, you just find yourself in colorado and continue. Recovery is amazing because nobody can take away the progress that we have made.

I wish you all the strentgh and courage you need.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[justfloating]

A little low on words but I have TONS of hugs for you. I'm sorry things are so rough at home, but know that you always have a place here at PC to escape to and get your feelings out if you need to. Take the best care of yourself that you can.

[turquoisesea]

leacon - by emotional abuse... no she doesn't mean to do it she does it primarily to stay in control of the household. It's a mix of a lot of things, including guilt trips everywhere, making me feel like I'm a horrible person if I inconvenience her in any way. She has control over the transportation, and if she feels I'm taking too much of her control or ability to randomly leave the house if she wants to she will not allow me to go anywhere. So the house is like a cage. I used to cope by not feeling... but I can't do that anymore.

tara - it's good to know that the progress won't be lost. I feel like it will to some level but I need to hold onto what there is.

(((((((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))))))

thank you everyone for caring.
going home tomorrow... wish me luck

[leacon]

Thank You for explaining what your mother does when you are home. I think many mothers try to control their offspring. My own mother has tried to control me and is very self centered. Good for you to realize it is not deliberate. You realize that she loves you, but she does not know how to relate to you well. Knowing this helps you to accept her and still know it was not the best childhood. Keep in touch

[turquoisesea]

all I want is my bf back and everything to go back tomorrow... instead I have my dad sleeping in bed, I'll have to sleep somewhere not so nice but that was my choice. I'm thankful to him.

But I just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. I can barely stop the tears from coming.

I'm scared of tomorrow but even now this is torture. How am I going to survive even this much pain for 3 months let alone the next few days?

I want to call my bf but everytime I do it hurts. I can't do distance. I can't go back home. The whole point is to be practicing right now - getting better. I WAS better but now this... just a week ago (before I knew this was going to happen) I was planning a recital , practicing almost reguarly minus when I was sick, and even socializing some with the friend who's nearby. Now all I want to do is shrivel up and not exist anymore. I don't even want to touch my cello.

This is bad.

[turquoisesea]

this is getting worse every day.

I don't see how I can survive.

Even if I can get back in 3 months there's nothing left even if I'm still alive physically. And even then it won't be enough cuz I'll just have to go back.

I don't want any of this anymore I want everything to be over.

[psjeff]

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on at once weighing you down. Hopefully, by talking through things here you can make some simbelence of things and take it litlle by little. I know this is cliche, but this too shall pass..................................

[kebsfroggy]

I know how unsettling a trip "home" can be. It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 60 the apprehension you feel is normal. Especially with dealing with emotional abuse.

Like tarabug said if you stumble a bit, you don't have to start all over in New York. You have grown emotionally since you started your journey. If you stumble, you pick up your journey in Colorado.

Remember one thing above all else, you have control of what happens to you. The biggest challenge and chance of victory will be in picking the battles to assert your independence.



Feel free to pm me any time.

kebs

[silver_moon]