[Overcastbutclearing]

This is how "life " is for me.
Maybe my black and white BPD thinking is not allowing me to adjust to the gray right now.
I just want to stay hidden, not have to deal with my fears and pain. Not have express my thoughts deep down in my soul.
I keep telling myself I can control it all alone...I have for so long. But I am losing my grip.
Anyone out there want to throw me a rope...without putting me on an interogation of just how hurting I am?

sj, I'm sorry that you're feeling the downside of a cycle right now. I too have bipolar illness (I don't seem to like the wrod disorder) and I know that the depression can be overwhelming. I'm going to offer up some advise that was given to me by a very dear friend on this site (friend... I really hope that you don't mind). The key to learning to live with these cycles is in a few ideas that all work together. First of all, I've found that the harder I struggle at one end, the more severe the backlash. So hard as it may be, try not to struggle. Part of the not struggling is the realization that "You are depressed and you're ok. You will be okay. You know that this passes." What I mean is that with bipolar illness, the depression will pass and it's not going to hurt you if you don't let it. When you are able to acknowledge this statement, then you give the depression so much less power over you. You can also try to find things that relax you and help to dull the sharpness of this double edged sword. What I try to do is this... you mentioned that you would like to hide from your fears and pain. I have fears and pain too aside from the illness. Well, don't deal with them right now. You sound like you're not in the right mind frame. There's a time for everything and if you try to deal with these things before you're ready to or when you don't feel up to it, then you're only feeding the depression. Instead of dwelling in the pit, try to remember that it will pass. When I'm in the pit, I've recently learned that there are things I can do to ease the pain... not remove it, but ease it. You could try calling a friend or relative you haven't spoken with for a while. That way you're sure to have plenty things to talk about. You could put in a movie that you live and curl up on the couch with a nice pillow and blanket. Maybe you could listen to your favorite cd. Anything to help you ease the pain. Kind of like a distraction. I hope that some of this helps and that you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself.

Ry

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks Ry.
What you write makes sense unless you are so far down in the hole you cannot get out.
They say there is light at the end of the tunnel...for me it is just another train coming head on!

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Be kind to yourself, as Ryan says.

[Overcastbutclearing]

LIES, INJURY, FRUSTRATION AND EXIGENCY!
NOTHING EVER GOES IN MY FAVOR! I NEVER GET BREAKS!
WTF!

please know that we care and that we're here for you..pat

[Wants2Fly]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

NOTHING EVER GOES IN MY FAVOR! I NEVER GET BREAKS!
WTF!

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Hi SJ -- I know this place you are in, and it's a bad one.

Once I posted a list in depression of all the ways that I failed and was a miserable, useless failure. A member named Dexter was kind enough to take the time to dispute every point on my list, one by one. There were one or two times where I didn't agree with his reframing, but for the most part, he made me see that there was alternate way of seeing what I was labeling was failure.

This is your illness talking to you. One of the techniques of cognitive behavior therapy is to dispute our distorted thinking, to argue ourself out of our black hole. I'll admit that the effect may be limited and short-lived. But the climb out of the black hole of darkest depression is accomplished in stages. So if I talk two steps up and out of the hole today, and fall back one and three-quarters, perhaps tomorrow or the day after I will advance a tiny bit higher.

Sometimes, when I am in the very darkest place, I can't argue with my black thoughts. Perhaps you can post the specific ways you think that you haven't gotten breaks. Perhaps some of us will find ways to help you reframe them. Perhaps in posting the list you will start to remember that an apparent defear or set back led to positive change or brought something positive into your life.

In the meantime, hugs if you want them.

[Overcastbutclearing]

It just seems like nothing goes my way. I try and I try.
I was in a bad wreck almost 3 years ago and yesterday I found out the MRI place has lost important films that would allow my to get some decent money back.
The case in itself has been a nightmare because it took my attorney 2 years to find the guy who hit me...now this.
I am about to be laid off from my job on April 29th...my office is closing. I did well here and although I will have another job it is still really scarey because I am used to what I do here and I don't like meeting new people etc.
My gf is just now finding out about BPD, which I have been dealing with for 12 years and now she is up my *** all the time trying to get into my head and all I can do is shut the door tight which makes her frustrated and me angry.
I am just beginning therapy again with a former therapist from 7 years ago and I thought I just needed a tune up but it seems like things are falling apart for me...and I just feel like all I want to do is make my T proud of me and right now in my head all I want to do is cut, run away and crawl into a hole.
I just wish the pain would go away.
I wish I had the strength to take myself out of the misery.