Life crashing down on me...

Err.
I dont know if this is specifically me needing help, or maybe a rant. You can decide..

Ok so, lately I've just realized reality, and everything about it, and it's gotten me into a deep depression.

First off, weight. I do eat for comfort, I've realized that, and it seriously is making me mad. I've been eating healthier and excercising alot more, but nothing seems to work..

Second, my whole family is like SCREWED or something.
My older sister is a transgender, Female > Male, which I have no problem w/, but it seems as if she wants things SO bad, like money for surgery, a new id, and she's driving w/out a liscense which worries me ALOT. And, she's really stuck up at times, as if she cared only for her self, and maybe a few others, but those "others" aren't us, being the family which loves her the most.

Thirdly, my cutting. UGH. I cant stand that I do this, but I have SO MUCH ANGER inside of me that I take my anger out on myself, odd I know but what can I say? I'm weird.

Fourthly, my look. My friends and family and people close to me say I'm pretty, but me on the other hand, well I think I'm ugly. I dont KNOW if my brain is playing some sort of trick on me to where I'm seeing something totally different, but I REALLY think I'm fat & ugly, (no, I'm not a skinny girl who thinks she's fat, I really do have poundage) no doubt. I look in the mirror and think WHY do I look like this, then again, there has GOT to be a reason I look like this.

Then, my anger issues. I piss my mom off ALOT with my anger, but I cant help it. I take my anger out on one of two things: 1. Me, 2. The people I love.

Sixth, love. Okay, I'm 13. What? Love? Yes, love. I've sadly realized the truth-girls around me have someone OTHER than family or friends to love them, I dont. I WISH for ONCE I could be pretty enough to just have someone like that, I guy who loved me for ME. And well, I don't know when or how soon its gonna happen.

Lastly, reality and the world itself. Ive realized thats all thats shown off are girls who are super tiny, and then the world is totally screwed, w/the economy which depresses my mother, and I HATE seeing my mom sad.

asdfghjkl;'
As you can see, I think my life is just about screwed from here.

>.>
Thanks for letting me let all this out;;

You're so young, just a tender thirteen and I don't want that to take away from anything because your feelings are just as real as anybody elses. It does sound like you have a lot going on.
1. Your weight - you have realized that you eat for comfort and that is a huge step. Maybe you could try a program like overeaters anonymous, it's a great twelve step program that is free and is a place you can be totally honest with other people. Or just see what you see and exercise and try to eat healthier, see if that works for you.

2.Your family - It sounds like you love your sister very much and you just want some of that love reciprocated. Your concerns for her are very real and honest. It's good that you can see your true feelings, that you're not hiding your feelings behind the food.

3.The anger - cutting is a coping mechanism, albeit not a very good one, but nevertheless a coping mechanism. The key is to find out what is making you so angry. If it's the need for more positive attention you may be able to say to your parents that you need more positive attention, especially from your dad if you have one. That may help. Also, learn whether you like a. seeing the blood or b. feeling the pain of cutting and then try to replace that with something that doesn't do so much harm, like a red marker or a rubberband. Sounds silly I know but it does eventually work.

4.Your Looks - right now you're at an age where looks seem to matter to everybody and it seems as though everybody is always analyzing you and everything you do. That will be the feeling for a while, at least until you get a few years older. Just try to hang on the knowledge that you are beautiful inside for just who you are. You don't have to be super skinny and unhealthy. Those women are happier than you necessarily, some of them are miserable and anorexic/bulimic just trying to keep the look. Very few people come by that look naturally. Just accept yourself the way you are and others will admire your self-esteem

5.The anger - again, try to acknowledge what is causing the anger, the root of the problem. Is it the lack of attention from boys? or from your dad? Give yourself a timeout when you feel the anger rising, just say mom I need a timeout right now. Then when you feel it leave go back to her and talk.

6. Love - comes when you don't look for it. As long as you are happy with yourself that confidence will shine through your personality and be a huge turn-on. Guys like women who are confident it's more sexy than being thin with low self-esteem. Know that whatever body type you have there is a man out there that will be attracted to you specifically. You just have to wait and know that the time will come. I promise.

You have a lot going for you. You have a family that loves you. A family that you love and that's important. Having that core connection will last a lifetime. Try to make a list of positive things in your life and think on the bright side. let yourself see what you have going good. and ask for what you need. Most of all love yourself so when others love you, you will be able to understand what that is.

All my love,
Tara

I agree with tarabug in pretty much everything so I'll stay brief.


Maybe it's both - rant and looking for somehow to get better. And that's good. Ranting is good. Looking for ways to fix things is good too.

Just wanted to say, depression... cutting... it's hard to deal with alone. Is there anyone you can turn to to talk to about these things? It sounds like a lot is going on in your home, and even talking about this might help.

Thank you so much Tara. You dont know how much you made me feel better.

I'm fifteen and i feel like my lifes gone to **** too.
Even if you don't have depression, things will definitely get better. To be a teenager right now is fairly crap... And to be going through all of this too probably makes it very hard.
My life is probably incredibly different but I can really relate... to me being thin was absolutely everything. I've tried "comfort eating" before but it really didnt make me feel better, just fatter and more worthless than ever.
When you want to binge or you feel like utter crap try doing something else? like try to spend a few minutes with your family, you dont have to tell them how you're feeling but it really helps me feel less alone.
And i take my anger out on myself too... i hate arguing. i hate hating people. so i just hate me instead. and its not healthy and its not going to help anyone but its a habit i think needs breaking.. and i know how addictive harming can be. Do you see a counsellor or anything? if you dont, try to? you really need to talk to someone about it [:.
And "love"... well at thirteen i was still single and to me it seemed like everyone else was all loved up and happy.. so i went out with a guy that treated me like crap and used me. in decemer though i started going out with my current boyfriend who had been a good friend for a while... and i guess things just happen. as it turns out half my year still havent even dated yet and im fifteen, so it really says nothing about you to not have so far.
and im probably not the best person to give advice right now because im in a veryy negative state of mind but just remember.... other people are going through these problems too. its ok to rant, keeping it all inside really screws with your head and its bound to make you angry. and you're not alone with the self esteem thing, 90% of teenage girls have issues with the way that they look. life gets better for everyone, i promise!
just keep holding on :]
x.

Frankz,

You're more than welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

Hello, Frankz! Your rant is far more than a rant, but as a rant it's exceptional. Please feel free to rant here.

Witchy, you know? 10 + 3= how you feel. Why doesn't one of the major theme parks build a roller coaster called 'The Adolescent'?
1.) "It's been done!"
2.) Nobody would get on it again, given a choice in the matter.
Let's see-13. (I'm 44 now and have three kids). First thing that comes to mind is geek. Grease; in theaters and on my face and hair. And ofcourse, the movie "Carrie" (you know, Stephen King). Just kidding, I'm not commenting to give you the creeps, but some fun things to do that just might be value-added.
When I was 13, I read "The Diary of Anne Frank" and every Judy Bloom book I could get my hands on. That was a long time ago, but reading accounts of other people my age and what they experienced helped me realize I'm not the first, don't have things the worst, and I'm not alone on planet earth with my feelings. Through my social worker, I just learned of a 13 year old gal who had a baby.
You see, some things never change, and basing your self worth on proving sexual attractiveness or worth always ends the same way (if you've noticed all the babies).
I rode my bicycle alot when I was 13. Shudder to think what my fluctuating hormones would have left me looking like if I didn't get all that exercise. Well, you children have even more escalated development than we did, and we had quiete a bit.
Don't be afraid to be an original; think of yourself as being in a 'cacoon', lame as that sounds. The world will continue to turn, and you won't fly off of it if you shut off all the media in your life for a little bit, and get busy at the most important thing you'll ever do-becoming you. Think about it-how can you be an adult and establish healthy relationships if you don't learn how to get along with yourself?
Sounds like your mom loves you alot-from her stand point, she knows you're changing into a person more separate and distinct from her than you were before; she maybe uncertain as to whether she should remind you of your connection, or give you more space. The important thing is that you two can keep talking to each other.
You sure are articulate for a person your age, how wonderful!
Best wishes on your journey-(no other fingerprint will be exactally like it).