[Tmac]

Depressed and see no end. I am frustrated most of all. Many feelings shoved back like I have been for 41 years. Have new ones on top of it like....assaulted at work and a chronic infection from it. Then was told I had a cancerous tumor in the would as a result of the chronic infection, 4 surgeries in 6 weeks. Next came PTSD and Depression. Yes in therapy and on meds.
April 20th my brother I have not spoken to in 10 yrs for good reasons died at the age of 42. The next blow was a very good friend and relative, my sister-in-laws brother 41 took his own life on May 2nd.
I thought it cant get worse, I was wrong. Having the PTSD and depression added to my workers comp case since the assault cause it. So the defense got a court ordered subpoena for all session notes and email correspondence between me and the T. My worry I have been talking about childhood issues which includes my brother and other things. It is none of their business but now they get to see it all....I feel so exposed.
What is making me more depressed is whats going on inside of me....
41 years of suppressing feelings shoving them back out of the way.
I want to get them out and need to get them out. Especially the deaths I need to be able to mourn and can not. Here is why.....I am a soda bottle filled with small rocks they are my feelings turn the bottle upside down what happens they all get trapped by each other trying to come out all at once.....frustrates me depresses me....here is what I think will happen when i do actually try to let some out.....imagine a champange bottle with a cork you keep shaking that bottle until the cork starts to slip. Once the cork blows all the emotions are going to come out fast and furious and no control over what happens.

Right now I need to find a way to start releasing some of the pressure inside or I am going to explode......I want out of this depression and that is whats making it worse....I can not process one thing then another issue comes along then another crap keeps happening I feel like there will be no way out. I am trying my best to get out of this depression with therapy (which I have a trust issue with now due to the subpoena) and on meds. But it is the crap that keeps coming my way too fast for me to process what came before it. I have not even been able to grieve the 2 deaths b\c they got wedged in all the other crap. Sorry for the ramble but I can not take much more. I am hoping this might help a little but I doubt it. I sit in therapy and zone out and can not really say how i feel b\c i am so overloaded and again very untrusting of my T because of the subpoena crap which I know is not her fault. The subpoena just reinforced my over all trust issue.

[turquoisesea]

If my files were subpoenad.... I would be a mix of FURIOUS, super upset, super embarrassed, horrified, wanting to hide from everyone and everything, and ... I've got trust issues too and I don't think I'd trust very easily for... quite a while. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As embarrassing as it is though, I think you can move past it, and it's a limited number of people who get to see it right?

I'd advise MAKING time to start the grief process in a productive way. I had some trouble getting through the death of a loved one which lasted a very long time because I repressed it - at the time it happened I wasn't in an environment in which it was "safe" to express grief. But then 2-3 years later... everything came back HARD and ontop of other problems that had come up. And it caused depression all the way through and inbetween. My advice - get pictures of the people you have lost, write about them, do what feels right. Maybe even set some time aside every day or every week to mourn. Maybe talking about them with a friend would help. Just, try to find a way to EXPRESS the grief or whatever else you are feeling. I find that words and crying have helped the most, I am lucky to have had my bf to help me too.


Deal with the current events one step at a time. Wake up. Brush teeth. Shower. Etc. Try your best to leave time to deal with emotions - journaling has really helped me - but pick the most important "problem" and work on that first - one thing at a time , always.

sending you many hugs

[idontknow13]

((((((Tmac)))))

[justfloating]

(((((((((Tmac)))))))))

I'm sorry things have gotten so hard for you. I don't know what I'd do if my files were subpoenaed, and I know it probably sounds silly, but try to be as open with your T as you can despite that (I know, easier said than done...) Bottling anything up any further than you already has isn't going to make things any easier. Maybe even if you're not willing to discuss particular issues with her right now, you could just sit and talk about how you're feeling on a given day? Sometimes there's a real release in just acknowledging all the feelings you're having even if you're not exploring their source.

Good luck with everything, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

[stkittprincess]

Tmac,

Hello, I am Kitt and I am new here. Just wanted to let you know that you certainly have plenty to be upset and down in the dumps about.

I am glad to see you feel comfortable posting your issues and sharing your feelings with the members of this forum.

Never lose hope in dealing with your fears and depression.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

[In_The_Darkness]

Tmac = Green and I_T_D = Red

I am so sorry. It's obvious you feel angry and frustrated because of the feelings you have to keep bottled up. Well. Why not let the cork off for a little ? Tell SOMEBODY, ANYBODY just how you're really feeling. Let it out before the cork shoots off and smashes something, because that's a load of broken glass hearts.

If yoy carry on keeping all these emotions, thoughts and feelings in the bottle...they will all come streaming out and nothing's any good.

Let it out hun. Cry. Punch some pillows. Just. Let it out. xxxx

.-. Good Luck .-.

[Berries]

(((((((((((Tmac)))))))))))))

You have a wonderful imagination. You use imagery so well. I suggest you use it to not only describe the present but to describe a future--a future that you want.

Maybe use imagery to paint a picture of how you can release some of those rocks a lttle at a time, so the cork doesn't explode?

I feel for you. I care.

Don't ever forget that the people at PC are always on your side

[Tmac]

TY all...one is the loneliest number they say...Coming here helps sometimes. Yes the subpoena has me freaked big time. Mainly because I have sent many "freak out" emails and shared poems that say a lot about me past and present. The T spoke to my attorney and tells me she thinks everything will be okay. Easy for her to say since it is not her dirty laundry that will be aired out for all to see. I think exposed is an understatement for how I feel about it. I can say what this has gotten me.....a major issue with the trust thing and it is actually causing me to dissociate more in T instead of saying how I really feel like....there is a delete button on emails! Letting out how I feel when actually talking to someone is not something that comes easy. Most of it from growing up, you were not entitled to opinions or feelings! At the age of 41 I feel like a real loser because I feel like I still am not entitled to either. Guess that is where being online and the anonymity of it all makes it a little easier to speak your mind. The really funny thing is I feel very vulnerable after I post, how crazy is that? It all just adds to the depression! Thanks for the support!