[darkpurplesecrets]

What do you say when everything is turning and nothing seems to be okay. When it seems so dark and again words seem a million miles away yet there somewhere needing to be said. Wondering if you make sense at all and if anyone is listening or even wants to hear. But you write hoping something will start, someone will know you are here, someone will hear you and you won't be alone.

I feel so scared and afraid to reach. Even though I know that if I do not it could be the end. What is happiness? Where can we find it? Can words really reach out to tell someone what we feel and what we need to say? Can what we don't say be heard as between the lines so many times is where the real pain is. Somewhere in what we cannot seem to find the words to say.

Knowing that people care and are here for us, feels that we are in the wrong to say the things we feel. Seems so ungrateful for us to write at times. But yet if we do not--we push everything back up inside and hide from everyone. That hurts even more as then we are alone and hurting ourselve more. Sometimes, burying ourselves away in the darkness and crying silent tears seems to be the only way to make it through the night.

Darkness seems to last forever and the day never seems to come back. And even right now--the day seems dark. Fear seems to be lurking all around. And we are afraid to be seen or heard. Why is it so hard to open up? To reach for a hand or to let go of the pain. We can write about it and post--but it feels as though the pain is ripping us from the inside. And our heart is tearing apart.

Does the pain ever stop? Does the feelings ever go away? Can we ever be whole again? Feeling helpless and alone are so real. Even though there are people around--I feel so alone. We all do. The tears are gone right now and feels like they are stolen once again. Trying to be strong and courageous is really hard. Sometimes death feels the only way out yet that feels so scary.

Many thoughts go through our mind. Sometimes my head hurts from thinking yet never uttering a spoken word. Sometimes it is from all the voices that seem to need time, yet I am afraid to hear what they have to say. Afraid to be heard, I shut down and say nothing. Become so quiet that no one knows. Trying to paint on a mask but the colors run together to where you cannot tell. And the mask gets so heavy that it is hard to hold up any longer.

I just want to cry and let it out. But I cannot seem to do that. I am scared. Afraid that that is weakness. For some reason, this need to be strong overpowers everything. But in that my weakness hides me from getting help. And I feel like I am failing again. I am scared and unsure right now. I fear myself and what is happening. Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe again?

dps

[idontknow13]

(((((darkpurplesecrets))))))
No words....I hope it stops......

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((idontknow13)))

thank you for the hug. It means more than you know.

dps

[Naturefreak]

(((darkpurplesecrets)))

[depressedalaskan]

((((((darkpurplesecrets)))))))
I do understand what you are asking and how you feel. I just wish I had the answers.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((babysteps09))))

Thank you for the hugs. They mean so much right now. Sending you hugs right back.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((depressedalaskan))))

Thank you for your hugs and love. For your understanding. And no words are okay. Thank you for understanding and for your support. It really means so much more than you could know.

dps

[Naturefreak]

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you Dps ............Take Care of yourself

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( dps ))))))))))))

I hear and understand what you are saying, you are a good person and only deserve the best in my opinion so I am sending you the best hugs that I can muster.
Maybe if we all lean on each other the loads will be lighter.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((babysteps09))))

Thank you for that wish. Today has been hard and triggering. We had a day surgery today and was hard. I left and do not remember all of it. But it was very triggering and scary. I am hanging in there--sometimes by a thread but I am hanging. Still finding it hard to breath a lot but with time this will get better. I just keep writing hoping someone will understand somehow. And that by writing I can let out what I am holding inside so deep that somehow relief will come. Writing helps me not react in the wrong way also. Thank you for thinking of me. It means so much more than you know.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((gimmeice))))

Thank you so much for that hug and the group hug. For your kind words and for caring. It is hard sometimes to lean on others. It is not what I mean to do. But I am so thankful that you and others are here. I fear so many times that I am alone and that I make no sense in what I write. That others get tired of reading my words and that I will be alone.

I write because I do not know what else to do. To get out the words help me not to react to what I sometimes feel inside. Fighting to stay above water sometimes is all I can do. And letting others in my world is hard except through these words. Afraid to come right out and let someone know where I really am--I write in a way that I hope someone will know. That maybe someone can read between the lines where the words will not come.

Thank you again for your support. It means so much more than you could know. I hope it is okay that I keep posting and that others will not get tired of what I have to say. For I know so many times it is the same thing only in a different set of words or phrases. I am reaching out in the only way I know how right now. I am too afraid to just say what I need to say. But I am trying.

Thank you for being here and for caring and for listening.

dps

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{dps}}}}}} I always feel your pain when you write. Your clarity with words is amazing. I do know that the pain seems to be an endless loop, but I am hoping there is a good end to it one day. Hope keeps me going. You are not alone.

Please take care of yourself. You are very special.

Mary Alice

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((((PlanningtoSurvive))))

Thank you so much my friend for your words and your caring. I want so much to be able to feel what others are saying. To feel I warrent such words that come from all of you. I fear sometimes I don't. And in my words I try so hard to express what is going on yet, I guess the fear has always been there to not really say what I need to say because it always meant so much trouble and fear.

I know that someday, things will get lighter if I keep working on it and keep letting out the pain as I can. I write what I can because I am afraid of saying too much or of pushing others away or no one being there. Words are all they did not take from me. In fact, they taught me to write--not talk. Words have always been our friend--the only way to let someone know we are here.

Even those sometimes I find myself monitoring wondering if I say the wrong thing if I will be punished. So I say as much as I can and hope someone knows what I cannot seem to write. Because so many times it is what I cannot write between the lines that I need someone to hear.

Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Sometimes it feels as though no one is there. But I know that when I come here there are so many that reach out. Words keep me going and so does your support, and others here who have been so kind to lend me there hope and strength.

You mean a lot to me too. And I thank you for being who you are and for reaching out your hand to me. I just hope I can be half to others here of what they have been for me and the love and support they give. It means more than anyone could know.

dps

[Amazonmom]

If remaining by ourselves in misery is strength, what good is it?

When we choose to be "weak", admit our pain, and ask for help...then we find ourselves on the path to contentment, happiness.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Amazonmom))))

Thank you for that. It does make sense but it is hard to do. Especially when you have been threatened all your life. But we are trying. But your words are wise and something to think about. Thank you.

dps