[amy83]

My bf is finally admitting he's depressed. He said a couple weeks ago that he doesnt know why but since his birthday he's been so tired, etc... Well that was about 6 weeks ago. We've been having issues with our relationship. And he finally told me tonight he's not blaming me this is all on him he just doesn't feel like caring about anything anymore... He says he feels like he is in a downward spiral and he thinks he's getting depressed. He feels like maybe this isn't a good time for himto be in a relationship. But he doesnt' want to hurt me he's just telling me how he feels. Now granted everytime we've had a problem he wouldn't tell me this before he just said he didnt know what was wrong. I want to know how to help him feel better. I know he's not going to go to a doctor. He has no insurance and no extra cash to get to a doctor. I already told him I care so much for him and I will be here to support him and that I want him to feel like himself around me and that I won't push anything with our relationship on him. That I just want him to be happy and I want him to be able to talk to me. All this stuff hurts me so much that i"m crying for him. I told him I dont want to break up with him, and asked if I'm being selfish for trying to keep him. He said he doesnt think its selfish to feel the way i do. I just want to help him I want to get him back to where he used to be..... What can I do??

[Pomegranate]

I posted in another forum to you about this. Reading here, it really sounds like you are trying to hang on to him. Maybe if you step back and give him some space things will get better between the two of you. You can't force someone to want to be with you. He may just not have enough courage to come out and say he wants to end the reltionship, or take a break from it. He did say he does not feel like he should be in a relationship at this time. You should respect that, respect his feelings. Love is doing what is right for the other person, love isn't just making yourself happy. I don't mean to sound harsh but you are hurting him and yourself if you keep trying to hang on to him or fix him when he is indicating he does not want that.

Perhaps you should spend some time thinking about why you need to be in a relationship with him so badly?

[turquoisesea]

Be available to listen. Make an effort to understand him, the depression, and the mix of the two.

Don't push too hard.

And don't blame yourself for how he's feeling. Remember that it's his problem when it comes down to it. You can help, but you are not responsible for it.

Good luck.

[amy83]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

I posted in another forum to you about this. Reading here, it really sounds like you are trying to hang on to him. Maybe if you step back and give him some space things will get better between the two of you. You can't force someone to want to be with you. He may just not have enough courage to come out and say he wants to end the reltionship, or take a break from it. He did say he does not feel like he should be in a relationship at this time. You should respect that, respect his feelings. Love is doing what is right for the other person, love isn't just making yourself happy. I don't mean to sound harsh but you are hurting him and yourself if you keep trying to hang on to him or fix him when he is indicating he does not want that.

Perhaps you should spend some time thinking about why you need to be in a relationship with him so badly?

He was just telling me he's starting think that maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship but told me today that we're not breaking up....
Personally I think he does want help and he just has no where to turn.
I need to be with him because i've fallen so much for him and I care so much for him and I seriously worry that if I let him push me away he's gonna fall way too deep into this. None of his friends or family know what is going on and he won't tell them. I want him to know that i care and i will do anything to make us get through this. I really don't think that by trying to help the person you are with hurts them. Don't you think that sometimes a person gets so depressed that they try to push everyone way when really they just need help and don't even know how to ask yet???

[thalia2]

- Whether he needs to see a doctor depends partly on how depressed he is. Depression can be dangerous and/or disabling for some people. For others self-care is enough. You might want to ask about thoughts of hurting himself, how he's doing at work and in school, to get a sense.

- If you think it's more than a mild depression you might want to contact a group like the depression bipolar alliance. They might have suggestions for ways people with no insurance can get care (free clinics, etc.) They also, often have support groups (free) for people suffering from depression and their families.

- If he decides on self-care, a lot of the best treatments for depression you can do without a doctor.

• Exercise - especially aerobic - has been shown to help a lot.
• You might have heard of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is one of the best psychotherapies for depression. What you might not know is there are CBT books you can do on your own that can help (I think I also saw somewhere a free online CBT course - you can try googling it). A standard book is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's really pretty comprehensive and helpful.
• Behavioral activation is important - the idea that you try to keep to a schedule and keep active - even though with depression you generally don't want to - but doing nothing tends to make depression worse. Warning: an s.o. telling someone who's depressed to get active and get out of bed usually is a horrible idea. A better way is to try to "facilitate" activities - try and make it easier for the person to be active in ways they might enjoy and which don't overwhelm.
• Make sure other basics are being taken care of: the sleep schedule is normalized, there's enough light, the diet is nutritious, drinking is not excessive - that sort of thing. I'd recommend a trip to the GP if he could afford it - it's always a good idea to rule out physical issues which can cause or mimic depression - thyroid issues, etc - sometimes these can look like depression. Ordinary things like urinary tract infections or sinus infections even can cause tiredness and psychological symptoms.

- Things you can do:
- listen in a nonjudgemental way. Bear in mind that most people who are depressed are extremely sensitive and can be really unreasonably sensitive. So acceptance is key. They're guaranteed to be beating themselves up - you can really help in offering the perspective they lack while not chastising them for their negativity.
- I disagree with "giving him space." It sounds more to me like depression than a typical "rough patch" in a relationship. And depression gets worse with isolation. You don't want to be in his face, but it's good to be *there.* People with depression often isolate because they think they're "no good to anybody" or a "wet blanket." Or they worry they'll drive people away. Ironically sometimes people isolate themselves during depressions to preserve relationships - it can backfire in that it can alienate people and it makes the depression worse.
- Irritability and a lack of interest in relationships and others can be huge in depression and real relationship killers. You need to set boundaries (e.g. you shouldn't tolerate abusive behavior), but try not to take it too personally either - especially if the behavior is out of character - it's probably something that will clear up as the depression lifts.
- take care of yourself first. If that's hard to do for yourself, remember you can't help him if you're in an emotional upheaval, or feeling responsible for his depression. Get support and take time for yourself and don't feel guilty for being happy even if he's not.

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((((amy83)))))

You know I am here to support and that I care. There have been some really good points made. Yes, sometimes people get so depressed that they push others away because they don't know how to ask for what they need or they do not know what to say. Sometimes it is to protect others and they are just afraid that others will leave if they really knew what was going on. In any sense, being there and supporting him is important but not being pushy or overbearing. taking care of you is very important as you cannot be there for him if you do not care for you first. Know that we are here for you and care.

dps

Originally Posted by amy83

Don't you think that sometimes a person gets so depressed that they try to push everyone way when really they just need help and don't even know how to ask yet???

yes. im actually in your bf's position right now. i had a gf for 2 years & 6 months now. about 2 month ago, we talked the matter that you've talked about with your bf, i told my gf im too depressed to do things, i dont know what to do anymore, she asked why im so quiet lately, we dont even having an intimate / sexual relationship anymore, i dont hang out with my friends anymore, all i do is quiet. we had a fight that day. she's really upset about me not doing anything about it, not even ask her for help, and i think what hurts her even more is because i said that i dont feel like i want anybody around me anymore. she stay quite until i leave her house and keep quite for like a month. everything is ok right now, i guess, but this is an unfinished business cause i think we both pretend to forget about my problem (again), we do better if we dont talk about it. we always fight when we talk about my depressed problem.

now, about your bf, i think i can understand his problem. yes he wanted to get help but he dont know where to go, not even go to doctor, i never go to doctor, family doesn't know, nobody except you, and his bestfriend perhaps? when we depressed, too depressed, sometimes we just feel numb and empty, nothing is matter anymore, thats why i think he looks like he try to push everybody away but in the same time he do wanted some help, he wanted someone, you, the more imprtant thing is im sure that he wanted someone to understand his problems and accept him for the way he is. im sorry that it hurts you, but it does need a big heart to deal with people who's having depressing times. often i feel so guilty for hurting my gf with my depressed problems. so if you think that you are the person for him, hang in there and dont give up on him, you can get through this cause the love is already in there, now you just need to fight for it to keep it. tell him that. thats all i can say. hope this helps even if just a little.

[amy83]

Turquoise, Thalia, Purple, and silence
Thank you all for your input I really appreciate that on here everyone cares and will give their opinion. It really helps me to see both sides of the issue. I do deeply care for him and i am going to try to help him. He is coming over tonight and we are going to get the day tommorow without my kids, so hopefully he can talk to me and if not at least maybe I can get him out of the house and we will get to spend some time alone together.

[Fuzzybear]

(some good replies here,sorry i'm late as usual and dont have much to add, as you've seen people here do care )