[mscrane]

I am a new poster.....looking for objective support.
Last week my daughter (who is 18) came home and announced she was pregnant. She has just finished high school and works part time at a shoe store...she has no real prospects..her boyfriend comes from a precarious family and has no prospects either...(his parents are elated about the news)...they all plan to purchase a townhouse together and let the happy couple live in the basement...
My husband and I barely speak....intimacy is a thing of the past....we had reached a "comfortable" area of co-existance and were beginning to search for some sort of happiness if you will...
I work part time as a preschool teacher and go to school part time....my mother had a dibilitating stroke 2 years ago and I assist my father in caring for her.
I work out 6 days a week...cardio/weight training/pilates/yoga...all the good stuff...I take my vitamins and supplements.........my prescription meds for depression/anxiety and insomnia.....i read the Dalai Lama and try to be positive and happy...I eat healthy (avoiding the white processed chemical food)....I don't drink or smoke or do recreational drugs...I strive for honestly and fairness........but it is a huge sham...the demons hover and I struggle internaly every single day...my co-workers would describe me as a happy-go-lucky environmentalist who believes in justice for all...inside I scream..."when do I get a break? heal yourselves!!!!!" and then I feel guilty...............

[dogtanian]

(((((((((mscrane)))))))))

i don't know what to say in terms of help - but i do have a rough idea of how that feels, i was always the one everyone came to but no one knew i was a mess inside it all. is there anyone you can talk to? i'm sorry this isn't very constructive

everyone here seems great at being around and helping, i'm sure you will get a lot of support. xxx

sounds like my life, just before the divorce. i can identify with your doing everything right and people thinking that you've got it sooo together..

as for help, i don't know what to tell you..tell me how you FEEL about the baby announcement? is this something you and your husband can deal with, in a healthy way or are you really upset about it? how long have you been married?

i'll be online off and on today...look forward to hearing from you. pat

[mscrane]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years...I had my daughter young..( I was 19) and I was alone..My husband adopted my daughter when we got married...the biological father has been out of the picture since the very beginning....
I see history repeating itself.....although I was as open and understanding as possible with her...gave her everything I could in regards to being there...the best education...life experience (travelling, ect.)....there is so much out there that I missed, though and I was hoping she could experience that.....but now she is going down the same hard road that I went.....
I am 38 and still in school....we don't have alot of money and live in a 2 bedroom adult-only apartment building...it is nice but not by any means luxurious...
My parents helped me when i came home pregnant..but they have money....and resources and I fear I cannot give my daughter and this child the financial resources they need...and i fell terribly guilty...I feel guilty for feeling angry and resentful and dissapointed...that maybe in the end I didn't really give her what she needed to avoid this from happening again...
My husband is very stubborn...and somewhat empty emotionally....he is very "logical" and finds it hard to think outside the box. He very rarely speaks and when he does it's usually to critisize....or control....he is not a "warm" person and his relationship with her is tense as well.......
I cherish any response.....I feel so alone sometimes...I don't have a huge social circle as I have issues with social situations...I feel as though I don't fit in..I do best with children and animals actually....
I hope I don't sound too "flaky"....

[Feynman]

Thanks for sharing your feelings and challenges with everyone and welcome to the forums. I'm a newcomer here as well and I can relate to your post. I deal with persistent feelings of guilt, insecurity, and hopelessness, even when my life looks great from the outside.

<font color="blue"> My best try at being objective... </font>

You are dealing with difficult problems that ANYONE would have a hard time coping with. A pregnant daughter, a less-than-perfect marriage, and a mother who needs care.

As far as I can tell from your posts, you seem to have handled the curveballs that life threw at you pretty well...you take good care of your body, build character, and strive to be positive and happy. You have re-entered school as an adult, you work part-time and you have given your daughter the best life that you were able to. This is all after a shaky start on your adult life. (?)

Your life doesn't sound like my idea of a "sham." Be careful not to discount your triumphs from the past. This looks like another challenge that life has thrown up for you, and you'll probably deal with it just as well as you dealt with the other ones.

I would not beat myself up too much about the choices your daughter made. There aren't any guarantees in the parenting business. All you can do is mantain the kind and compassionate support that you have shown her throughout your life together.

The nauseating feelings...yeah, they are tough. Have you had them before? Some scientists suggest that minor depression is more about habits of thinking than about brain chemistry. (see Martin Seligman's "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life")

You sound like a really neat person with lots of cool interests. I hope we get to know you better. Hang in there!